Discussion in 'London and the South East' started by Apryl, Sep 19, 2013.
She May be.
Anyway, has this thread been nominated for thread of the year yet? It's almost in boat happy territory.
FAO fogbat and Onket
(the R gets painted out on a very regular basis )
Ju ne-ver know...
Martina Cole wrote the WORST book I have EVER read. Two Women. Quite stunningly bad. I've not read anything else by her, perhaps they're all gems.
Anyway, back to feeding time at the troll zoo.
I've got two books by Martina Cole. They're the perfect size for putting under my broken clothes rail to make it usable again.
I didn't know Ju-lyked puns.
Is that one a bit tenuous? Am I going to be given my Marching orders?
Come on, you have to get your puns in calender order, or it's just a fucking free-for-all
Congrats to the others for their august performance so far though...
You got burned, corax. Nothing left exsept embers...
I have no obligation to octob... ermm...
Why don't you put a sock to b...... ermmm.......
Ah, fuck it.
january original month puns?
june oh what a pun is?
Come Lucky April
I used to live in the East End, proper east end though not Bow. Bow's proper gentrified now has been for years it's more like Kingston Upon Thames round that manor these days.. Bethnal Green innit mush none of yer Shadwell shlagggs or your fackin Hackney hiphopsters. Pure darn to earth people and no mugs I tells ya.
Right as rain they was in Bethnal Green. Down the baths for an oily hand massage on a Friday afternoonsy, Boxing at York Hall and Pie and mash on Bethnal Green Road. Of course you could have a knees up on a Sunday in the east end if you walked your way round the wicker barskets. Brick Lane (Ruby Murry), Columbia Road (Larvly flowers), Camden (Cheer up goths). Whitechapple was mint. The Blind Beggar and that helicopter an all that malarkey.
Pembury was full of wrong'uns when I lived there. Every day it was avon and cleaneasy catalogs through the letterbox, dog shit everywhere. Even the pizza delivery boys wore helmets when riding their scooters around Pembury. Went in a boozer there one night by mistake and it was full of EDL watching Jack the Rippers..
"You old enough to be in here sunshine?" the barman said.
I nodded and looked around. There where three old skinheads at the bar watching Lilo Lil doing her thing on the pool table. Next I'm approached by a rather voluptuous lady wearing only her underwear who is holding an empty glass up to me.."Chuck some money in for the girl then you shlagggg". I grab the loose change from my pockets with my sweaty hands and drop it into the glass. "How much did he put in Shirl?" "65p Ray" answers the woman. "You fackin muffin get your fuckin wallet out. Would you take your clothes off for 65 fucking pence? I ought to glass you right now you fucking nancy looking twat cunt. What do you want anyway you little cant?"
"I've come to service your pool table"
Is this the sort of stuff your looking for Apryl?
yeh. i did ask for original puns. but you missed the original bit.
i think Apryl's more looking for something like:
dennis never saw what hit him. out of the blue lucy unleashed a right-left-right combination which floored him. as he hit the floor the boots went in - hard. joe hawkins, watching from the safety of the stairwell, cut a dapper figure in his Ben Sherman and Sta-Press. 'pity the rozzers will pick up those beauties', he told dan, as they watched alice, lucy and jill kicking the unconscious form so hard dennis seemed to be jiving on the ground. dan grinned, lit a cigarette. joe pulled out his iPhone 5 and dialled 999. 'operator?' he said. 'i'd like to report a murder'. he pulled out a knife and walked over to dennis' prone form after the girls scarpered.
fuck it, this writing bit's well easy. no wonder richard allen went into it.
Isn't there already a writers group here?
there isn't a writers' group working on housing estate ultraviolence, as far as i know. although i'm willing to be corrected.
If not, maybe you and Apryl should start one?
the difference between Apryl and me is i can write. and i can do the research without boring people here about it. so, the differences between me and Apryl are ...
...few but your London geography is better...?
Did we ever work out who 'Apryl' is?
"Shat it Sue and get back behind the bar, young Mervin here's come to fix the pool table"
For the first time Rays face breaks a smile "Why didn't you say so son? You'll have to wait until Lil's finished her little show and then you can bend down and get me balls out awwwwwwgghhHH, did you here that Sue I said...bend down and get me balls out" "Fackin sharp stuff that Ray you should do stand up between the girls acts" "I do you.....aggggh you cheeky old baggggg...that's why you work behind the bar here innit darling, mouth like godzilla tits like Priscella "
Sue and Ray do a big eastend belly-bump high five and Ray turns round and shakes an empty glass at me..
"I'm sorry Ray but I've put all the money I had in the strippers glass"
"Na son whatcha avvin....on the owse like"
"Oh thanks Ray I'll have a lager shandy please"
"Fackin'ell did you hear that lads...Can I have a Lager shannnnnnnndy. Sue bob down under love and get us a bottle of arrrrrhhhhhh whites lemonayayayde"
It's not the first rough arse pub I've been in since I took the maintenance job on for scala entertainment equipment supplies but it was definitely the most odd. It had one of those bolts on the door that you usually see in horse stable. There was Millwall shirts and scarfs all around the top of the bar and several pictures of ugly looking fat white skinhead forty somethings with 'In memorandum' on brass plates on the bottom of the frames. The place stank like piss. I was dreading having to turn my back on the clientele and kneel down and open the table up to see what was fucked with it.
"Don't worry son as soon as she's popped the cue ball in the middle pocket she'll be off the table and you can get on with your work. There's ya ohhhhh shannnnnndddddieeee baby"
Separate names with a comma.