Write a headline for todays newspaper that's appropriate to you

[vauxhallmum]

WOMAN CRACKS UNDER PRESSURE IN MARKET

'I was just buying some mushrooms', says the usually perky mum of one, 'when I felt all wobbly and had a big fat cry'

 

[rollinder]

Woman realises she really should get off the internet and try to get some sleep
"oh fuck I'm meeting my mother in six hours time", she said just now.

 

[Balbi]

TWO 6AM WAKE UPS IN A ROW!!
Post-grad student said to be dazed at prospect.

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

Fried egg sarnie shock!!!

The yoke wasn't runny enough, says shocked office worker.

 

[jayeola]

Markets erupt on first roll up of the day

Markets went baserk this morning in the anticipation that a major purchase of tobacco will occur some time today. The backy-index, (HQ on corner shop), is bracing itself for some busy trading.

 

[tufty79]

girl joins library

"It's a bit ace!" she says, having already borrowed eleven books (old favourites, reading list and a Dr Who one) and made Productive Use of internet time. She was heard to remark to her housemate, a local Diamond Geezer, that today wasn't that bad really, despite all the internets in the house breaking completely.

 

[rollinder]

Nuking the fridge 'a good thing'
"George Lucas saved my kitchen" claims Devon woman.

a fridge in Tiverton was finally thoughrely nuked today to remove mould from bread crumbs etc.
During this event the owner of said fridge was overheard mentioning that this was nearly an evil enough task for her to understand why people have cleaners. In mitigating circumstances she had her head inside the fridge at the time so may have been slightly insane.


Smiths' single 'ironically' stolen from Oxfam.
a customer browsing the 7" single wall display at the local Oxfam shop, discovered that the sleeve of This Charming Man was empty. They were later observed explaining this to staff while losing the power of normal speech and appearing like a hyper nervous/terrified of social contact stereotypical Smiths fan.
Describing the incident later to her mum she claimed that she'd thought the Oxfam staff would think she'd taken it, and insisted that she didn't even like that song that much & if she did (hypothetically) steal it, she'd leave the record and take the sleeve.

"Somebody must have taken Shoplifters Of The World Unite too literally" she told us when asked for a comment.

 

[grubby local]

BANANARAMA!
Brixton man's fruity breakfast goes down a treat.

"It was a sweet one from the Jamaican stall in the market, " he said today. "I looked at the bunch and they were very a-peeling, " he added.

 

[danny la rouge]

MAN HAS MIGRAINE

A man has hit out at having to take two pink Migraleve, the migraine drug. The father of two is struggling through his Wednesday morning with blurred vision and fears his judgement may be affected.

Yellow tablets​

"I may have to take the yellow tablets, too," the attractive 43-year-old told friends.

No report is being sent to the procurator fiscal.

 

[jayeola]

Local man plagued by mystery recruiter...
...for a job that is "Central" and whose rate is "competitive". The internet, BT and the Police are thankful for the South London man's consultation, which costs an arm and a leg.

 

[Donna Ferentes]

HOMEWORKER MISSES FAYOURITE DAYTIME TELEVISION PROGRAMME

SAID TO BE "DEVASTATED"

"Lost track of time on internet", statement says
​

 

[Donna Ferentes]

LAZY CAT "SLEPT ALL MORNING"

"Only got up to eat" say witnesses​

 

[tufty79]

local gal is listening to craig david

'i feel boombastic fantastic and all that other trash'

it just popped up on youtube, she claims...