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Chapter 3 - Gary comes clean?

As daylight caressed his pallid face, Trevor walked lithely upon the makeshift suspension bridges that crisscrossed the City's shantytowns in the steep ascent from seaside to riverbank. Selecting a suitable route in his head, he hopped onto a makeshift path, and tried to remember the map of Lun Dun streets... It had been years since he last ventured to the surface. The melanin in his skin struggled to boost its B12 levels, after years of anaemic deficiency... Stinking, noxious fumes oozed from all directions, wafting towards his nostrils where they mixed like rancid perfume, made him cough and sputter.
- 'Welcome to the city, my friend', he thought and walked on, unflinching.

He knew, from what last night's cryptic phone conversation had told him, that his friends weren't dead. He knew the rumours of their death had been just a smokescreen, a necessary scam to hide the goings-on. He knew Cornelius, too, was out there somewhere- waiting, observing, like he himself waited and observed... Things weren't always as they seemed. That much he knew.

On his way through the boat-towns, shantytowns, mechatowns, past yurts and makeshift treehouses, traveller's wagons and ancient high-house ruins overgrown with ivy and lovingly renovated by local bolos, he noticed one thing. The residents, no matter where you looked, were uncannily quiet. It was as if, before he arrived, something very strange- perhaps terrible- had happened near these quarters. Perhaps... No, it couldn't be. The Chronomaster was dead, wasn't he? But his adherents may still be here.
Out here, trying to restore the age-old order of hierarchy and power. He shuddered.

Approaching an ancient 'tube' station, his mood brightened. 'Mornington Crescent', the solemn sign read. He darted down into the greyness of the dimly-lit stairs.
He knew about the tribes of Feral Children, inhabiting these abandoned stations. Their business was a peaceful one- Unlike the more quarrelsome 'street' gangs who got their synaesthetic kicks from psychedelic wobbleberries , this was strictly Herb territory. If only he... Owch!
A Feral child just bit into his finger.
-'YUM, LOLZ', the kid laughed with a toothy grin, and stuck its tongue out rudely in his direction.
-'Watch it, you little critter', he laughed hearthily and followed the little fella as the kid pointed further down and waved in a 'come with me' gesture.

As the distant campfire lights got brighter, the heavy bass of jngldub music hit his diaphragm like a friendly punch. Joyful cheers and claps and furious recitals of SMS poetry (he knew they were fond of Shake-a-Spear, the ancient bard, or was it Burning Spear?) welcomed him as he entered the hallowed out subterranean dome functioning as the Feral's camp HQ...
The high, distant ceiling was beautifully lit from friendly fluorescent fungi, but the campfires and lanterns he saw scattered around the place kept a certain old-fashioned cosiness to the place, he pondered.
On seeing him enter, the music died down in a flash.
A hundred mud-streaked faces turned towards him.

His mind whirled, the thoughts moving and twisting around, as he struggled to make sense of the scene before him. The child he had followed scuttled off away from him, looking back towards him and smiling, thumb stuck defiantly in to its dribbling mouth.

The figures before him had stopped moving, and he could feel the caress of their eyes. He had to remember. These must be the grund lings, the ones who would sit and recite sms poetry, gently rocking their bodies back and forth as they sought to remember the words of the Shake a Spear, the rythmn of the words bouncing along - tut-tut-a-tut-tut. The five, the ten, the beat was there, waiting.

There was a greeting. He remembered. The small room. The reckoning.

Trevor felt his throat constrict, as the words began to take shape. It could not be Mor-ley or Mar-ley, and he could never utter the Jon-a-son.

What then?

"Eggs it per pseud!" He called to their upturned faces.

"Buy a beer!" The familiar reply came back.

The music returned along with the claps, the shouts, the dancing and the furious poetry. The feral child was back at his side, tugging on his sleeve, pulling him in. Together they moved into and through the crowd of joyous bodies; it was only as they were nearing the far edge of the throng that Trevor noticed the dome's other occupants. A group of maybe a dozen, they sat quiet and still around a glowing red brazier. The child continued to pull him forward towards what Trevor now realised was a waiting group. His pulse quickened as the seated figures shuffled apart to make a space by the fire.

- Have a warm.

- Thank you.

- Got a story to share in return?

Yes he had a story. Was he willing to share it? No way; at least not all of it and not yet. But he was happy to spin a believable yarn.
 
"before the bio-psyche wars' he said to the attentive crowd, 'this place was all fields. Peace reigned, and the Chronoguiser benignly ruled his people. It was rumoured that his power, and the good fortune of the land rested somehow in the mighty Cockmaster 3000, which was naturally locked away to secure the safety of the nation.

But then, one day, disaster struck- the evil Sabretooth, and his henchmen Blackberry and I-pod hatched a plan to steal the Cockmaster. This they did, under cover of darkness, and soon, that darkness enveloped the country- metaphorically-speaking I mean, obviously. Sabretooth, drunk on power, harnessed the forces of the Cockmaster to create the bio-psyche wars- inadvertently also creating a horde of zombie hares that would aim to destroy all life as we know it.

I-pod suddenly saw the great evil in his master's plan, and challenged him to a duel. they fought, brutally and desperately, man-to-man. For hours they fought, the sweat dripping off their manly torsos- at times it was a bit homo-erotic, like that scene in Fight Club. Eventually, Sabretooth got the upper hand, and then, with one brutal blow, he slew I-pod where he stood. Unfortunately for him, the blow also knocked the Cockmaster 3000 from it's resting place on a nearby table, and it went flying from the room.

Try as they might, searching high and low, near and far, and other cliches, Sabretooth and Blackberry couldn't find the Cockmaster- their source of power and control. Everything was now entering chaos, and they sank into desperation. From this point on, their Machievellian instincts knew no bounds. They decided to use the killer hares as an army to eradicate their enemies, and hopefully find their way to reclaiming the mighty Cockmaster and thus seize ultimate power.

and this is where we are today," Trevor sorrowfully finished. "in the midst of a war we have no hope of winning, with feral children running wild and texting, and anarchistic blood-crazed hares eating anyone who has information, one by one. The bunnies will surely kill us all. Especially me."

He held his head in his hands, convincingly. Would they buy the story? Why not- he'd spun a good yarn. Some of it was even true.

One of the listeners spoke up- "all is not lost! if we could find the Cockmaster 3000, then we could put an end to this zombie misery and return to the golden age, before the bloody bio-psyche wars began!"

There was a general murmur of approval from the group, and Trevor smiled inwardly. They'd bought it! Now for the next stage of his plan.

One other member of the group suddenly spoke. "what I don't get," he said, querulously, "is where Terence Frings fits into all of this?"

"I haven't a bloody clue," said Trevor.
 
The phone rang. Trevor looked at it and picked up the receiver, who the fuck is this at this hour?

'Trevor'
'Yes who is this?'
'Never mind, listen and listen good'

Trevor did not like this aggressive tone. He waited... 'Are you still there Trev?'
'Yeah what do you want?'

'It is top secret - can I depend on you? Keep it confidential nice and tight?
'Yes what is it?'

'We are doing a deep search into possible undesirables, could be a matter of national security. We want to know more about Urban 75, its funding, who are the moderators, tag names - real names, the whole works. Can you help us?'

Trevor thought long and hard. He had good friends on Urban. The voice said 'there's good money we will make it worht your while'.

Money, Trevor needed money.

'Okay but.............
 
...I need to make it clear that you have misunderstood. If you want to have thus type of conversation I want to make a suggestion."

There was a pause, perhaps suggesting that this was not the expected response.

"Go on", said the voice.

"I want to know the secret of the Shake-a-Spear. I know that it exists, as I am sure you do too. Otherwise you might want to consider speaking to my legal representative - who I am sure would welcome the opportunity to meet the person behind the voice on the phone".

Trevor smiled. This was good. He felt confident. He knew he was right. The Shake-a-Spear existed. The poetry existed, therefore the source had to exist.

There was no reply, except for a faintly metallic tone which remained barely audible - but it was persistent - it was there.

"We will speak again Trevor", the voice intoned.

"I look forward to it", said Trevor, triumphantly. Mar-ley had a phrase for moments such as this, in a tale of Doctors and souls and devils.

Trevor put the 'phone down.

"Bastards", he said softly.
 
In an office thousands of miles away, on the shores of the famous antartic break just south of Scott's bar, a computer blinked into life. Green against black, it was an antique, but it still served a purpose, a purpose so pregnant with meaning that it was in green and black. Like a special monochrome, except with green rather than white, because it was special.

Terence's disturbingly young hand reached for the roller ball, he had not time for mice, of any variety, and he caressed it with his soft fingers. He had used Oil of Ulay for a while but had since switched to the superior Oil of Olay. Up a bit and right a bit and then across and down a bit and to the left a smidgen and then down and then right and he found where he wanted to click. CLICK. It went.

Up came the screen. Trevor needed his help again. But how could he get there without his trusty albatross. And then he remembered the amulet of long distance travel that had been buried deep in the snow for years. About four metres diagonally east-east-south-east from his hut.....
 
...and so he popped out and got it. He briefly did a head-spin to celebrate, and then focused again upon his mission- which was- to help Trevor.

But why should he help Trevor? the Veteran had never given a damn when he was in trouble. Had veteran Trevor saved his butler from the HUNTER-KILLER ZOMBIE HARES? no. Had Veteran Trevor helped him during the bio-psyche wars when he contracted a nasty skin disease? negative. Had veteran Trevor ever given him hand-relief when his skin disease had made it all-but-impossible to score with any human female? you bet your sorry ass he didn't. 'Trevor is bent on revenge,' thought Terence, 'but he doesn't seem to spare a thought for his fellow man.'

Terence mooded and brooded, whilst fingering the Cockmaster 3000. "this is going nowhere" he thought. Then, all at once, a genie appeared...
 
Once he heard the ticking of the bioterrorist bomb, he knew that danger was soon enema.

It was no time now to copulate out of the responsibility that he had taken upon himself.

One thing was for sure: this was no time to lollipop around, since time was of the abstinence.

Deflowering the explosive device, however, was going to take a little pasturing.
 
Hang on, thought Terence. Why am I having sexual fantasies about explosive devices? Something's not quite right here. Then, a lightbulb flickered on inside the dismal depths of his mind. He remembered the magic mushrooms he had taken a few hours previously...
 
No sooner had this thought passed through his brain than he heard something move behind him. The footsteps it - or was it they? - left were not the footsteps of a Human Being.

Shaking and sweating with panic, he turned around and looked into the face of a bear.

Reflected in its eyes he could see triumph, apprehension, and yes. Hunger.

How had the bear got into his house?

"How did you get into my house?" he asked, his voice a choked whisper, all thoughts of bombs gone.
 
I'm sulking cos no-one ran with my genie idea

-thought Terence Frings, bitterly. By now, the mushrooms were really kicking in; the terrifying bear melted away as just another illusory thought pattern, and he began to see reality in a different light. Trevor was up to something; he sensed it. Was he trying to mobilise an army of malcontents, losers and bloggers to bring down Sabretooth and his evil henchman? Using the MUTANT KILLER ZOMBIE HARES to his advantage, to gain absolute power? Trevor was a wrong-un- Terence clearly saw this for the first time; "cosmic intuition is certainly one of the benefits of being absolutely munted out of your box" he thought.

"hmmmmmm"

"something interesting better happen in the plot soon!" he mused, possibly the most self-aware fictional character to ever grace the page. His sense of free-will was fucked, but still, he knew what he had to do- defeat Trevor, and swat away the purple ostrich that was trying to peck his mind.

"well, it's still better than that christmas story thread in the drugs forum," thought Terence. And at that moment, he knew it was WAR. Not like mauvais' WAR which was a satirical WAR, but a REAL WAR, with people getting hurt and stuff. It was a potential DISASTERpaint. The messageboard would surely crumble under the weight of inter-forum opprobrium, and then what? What lay beyond a bulletin-board meltdown of horrific proportions? "GERROFF, OSTRICH!" he cried, slapping its beak with his manly hands.

Suddenly his blood chilled. Was that the sound of scratching he heard at the door? The MUTANT HARES had found him!! Oh bugger! He reached for the only defence he knew- it was his one chance to survive- he reached for the Cockmaster 3000. And...
 
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