Which kitchen utensil is the best weapon?
- Thread starter Herbsman.
- Start date
pembrokestephen
New Member
AKA "stun grenade". Very loud bang, and very bright flash. Blinds, deafens and disorientates, all in one handy handbag-sized package.BiddlyBee said:
ymu
Niall Ferguson's deep-cover sock-puppet
I would expect the intruder to be considerably more proficient with the use of weapons than me and I probably wouldn't want to have to get close enough to use a knife if s/he didn't run away at the sight of it. I do not have the skillz of PS. 
So I'd probably grab my big fuck off frying pan which is always on the stove and go screaming harpie on his/her ass. I could use it as a shield and have little danger of missing if I took a swing.
To be honest, screaming harpie was enough on its own last time I had to repel an intruder.
So I'd probably grab my big fuck off frying pan which is always on the stove and go screaming harpie on his/her ass. I could use it as a shield and have little danger of missing if I took a swing.
To be honest, screaming harpie was enough on its own last time I had to repel an intruder.
pembrokestephen
New Member
Well, for flavour, hers certainly come out as the best.BiddlyBee said:Made by Aunt Bessie?
Not so impressed otherwise - I'd always thought of them as "flash-splats", but *shrug*
It's got to be the old wooden meat tenderiser really. You can strike with an amusing tonk on the lightweight wooden side. Or there's always the potentially even more amusing griddle face attack with the studded metal side.
Give it 7 hours and you could have the bashed the intruder into the world's biggest escalope.
DrRingDing
'anti-human wanker'
moose said:
The potato masher which looks like a mediaeval torture instrument.
Or a very modern looking butt plug
dilute micro
esse quam videri
skunkboy69 said:
my vote
subversplat
writer of wrongs
Face in hot chip pan. Although could cause amusement in court when the barristers ask you whether you can recognise the intruder in the courtroom 
Johnny Canuck3
Well-Known Member
Either ice pick
or fish filleting knife
or fish filleting knife
ivebeenhigh
Well-Known Member
you can either
a) drop this on someone or
b) put them inside and sit on top
subversplat
writer of wrongs
Or put some meat in, let it defrost, freeze it again, and then cook it and serve it up to them. That'll teach them!ivebeenhigh said:
you can either
a) drop this on someone or
b) put them inside and sit on top
Johnny Canuck3
Well-Known Member
But if you try to break into my house, the weapon I'll actually be carrying is this.
May Kasahara
take me to the feeling
bouncer_the_dog said:
You've been watching too much Trapped In The Closet.
Tbh, if they were stupid enough to be in the kitchen, I'd simply force them through into the alcove and stick their heads in the cat tray. No one is coming back from that unless they're wearing a Hazmat suit.
May Kasahara
take me to the feeling
bouncer_the_dog said:
Ah, MacGyver. The only man who can avert a nuclear meltdown with nothing more than a monkey wrench and a smile.
Herbsman.
Nah Lotion, Pet, Nor Powder.
I reckon cast iron griddle would be good if you didn't want to kill the intruder (although you probably would kill them if you hit them on the head with it). It's ridiculously heavy and would incapacitate someone if you hit them in the shoulder or across the back, or even in the knee. You'd have to be careful not to sprain your wrist as you swung it at them.
Or you could throw it at them, or drop it on their foot. I'm a bit worried that I might drop mine one day. I don't fancy a broken foot. If it misses my foot it'll break the floor.
The knife would be best for its dangerousness but you'd have to go right up close to them to attact them. You want to keep your distance really. And it's messy if you do attack them with it. blood everywhere. You can't just knock them out with a knife, if you do attack them with it you risk bleeding them to death and I wouldn't want to do that. Don't want a dead person in my kitchen.
Meat tenderiser is probably best - light enough to swing, hard enough to cause plenty of pain and possibly unconsciousness, but not so heavy that it would kill too easily.
Or you could throw it at them, or drop it on their foot. I'm a bit worried that I might drop mine one day. I don't fancy a broken foot. If it misses my foot it'll break the floor.
The knife would be best for its dangerousness but you'd have to go right up close to them to attact them. You want to keep your distance really. And it's messy if you do attack them with it. blood everywhere. You can't just knock them out with a knife, if you do attack them with it you risk bleeding them to death and I wouldn't want to do that. Don't want a dead person in my kitchen.
Meat tenderiser is probably best - light enough to swing, hard enough to cause plenty of pain and possibly unconsciousness, but not so heavy that it would kill too easily.
pembrokestephen
New Member
Hmm.Herbsman. said:
If I found an intruder in my kitchen, and it had got to the hitting-them-with-cookware stage, I think that I'd be aiming to hit them as hard as possible to incapacitate them, without necessarily meaning to kill them...but if that happened, that'd just be bad luck.
I don't think that it's really practical, at the point of defending oneself against an attack, to be able to make fine judgements about just how hard - or with what - you're going to hit someone to strike that fine balance between fending them off and doing for them. After all, what happens if you thunk them to the point that they're temporarily stunned, then they get back up off the floor, enraged, and come for you again?
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