Which kitchen utensil is the best weapon?
- Thread starter Herbsman.
- Start date
skunkboy69
Reverend of Eternal Light
meat cleaver.
bouncer_the_dog
Well-Known Member
spatula
felixthecat
are we there yet?
cast iron wok
Chairman Meow
Perth, WA
Meat cleaver obv.
spanglechick
High Empress of Dressing Up
a meat cleaver, while good for hacking through bone, needs a big swing - I choose an 8-10 inch cooks' knife. Better for stabby, slashy action.
like this:
like this:
pembrokestephen
New Member
Well, to be boring about it, and assuming unarmed combat wasn't an option (like, if I didn't grab something, Mister Intruder would...), then I'd probably go for the boring and obvious
If that wasn't available, then it'd have to be a fairly small stainless steel pan (too big means too much swing, so he'd be able to duck), heavy enough to bring him up short.
Other alternatives would be ground pepper (but might take time to find), broom used as quarterstaff, or the big cast iron skillet, used edge-on.
But, given the choice, I'd far rather be kicking him inna froat with bare feet. Less likely to wake the girls than all that noisy clanging of cookware bouncing off crania, and less likely to blunt the knife bouncing off a rib or something, and having to get the whetstone out again, which is sooo boring.
If that wasn't available, then it'd have to be a fairly small stainless steel pan (too big means too much swing, so he'd be able to duck), heavy enough to bring him up short.
Other alternatives would be ground pepper (but might take time to find), broom used as quarterstaff, or the big cast iron skillet, used edge-on.
But, given the choice, I'd far rather be kicking him inna froat with bare feet. Less likely to wake the girls than all that noisy clanging of cookware bouncing off crania, and less likely to blunt the knife bouncing off a rib or something, and having to get the whetstone out again, which is sooo boring.
FridgeMagnet
Administrator
I think going for the knives is cheating.
I'd go for the meat thermometer. Imagine the comedy antics that could result from sticking that up someone's arse.
I'd go for the meat thermometer. Imagine the comedy antics that could result from sticking that up someone's arse.
pembrokestephen
New Member
Well, it's boring and unimaginative, that's true, but cheating?? Nah...FridgeMagnet said:
Would it be less cheating if I promised to throw it, rather than slash and stab?
ETA: and assuming this was a nocturnal visitor, it's rather more likely that my arse, clad in nothing but a ninja dressing gown, is more vulnerable to meat thermometer abuse than some no-doubt-tracksuit-clad scrote, bent on robbing me of my spice rack...
FridgeMagnet
Administrator
There are so many more options than knives and cleavers - less _realistic_ perhaps, but come on. Tabasco in the eyes. Bombardment with tins of Tesco Value Beans. Squirty cheese in the ears.
And yes - obviously there has to be a hob turned up high for someone's head to be forced towards in a grapple, as seen in every single fight scene in a kitchen in every film ever. A hotplate is best, gas stoves just set fire to hair before you can get close.
And yes - obviously there has to be a hob turned up high for someone's head to be forced towards in a grapple, as seen in every single fight scene in a kitchen in every film ever. A hotplate is best, gas stoves just set fire to hair before you can get close.
FridgeMagnet
Administrator
You stir your porridge with an enormous metal Nazi cock?
Well, takes all sorts I suppose.
Well, takes all sorts I suppose.
pembrokestephen
New Member
That's true. Seeing how close to the flame you can get someone's head before the polyester in the football shirt starts melting...Cid said:
bouncer_the_dog
Well-Known Member
mauvais said:
gutted
bouncer_the_dog
Well-Known Member
I was watching MaGyver the other day. He made a stun grenade with a rubber glove and hid it in a tray of boiled potatoes. i turned over just after he said 'now to find a way to get them to open the tray of potatoes'
I sort of regret turning over now...
I sort of regret turning over now...
pembrokestephen
New Member
Deep fat fryer and a ladle, then. To follow up the frisbee'd dinner plates and randomly hurled skewers. Followed itself by a flanking attack using no more than a food mixer applied to the ears.FridgeMagnet said:
That should disorientate the bastard, at which point I'd really get started. Obviously, the main assault would have to commence with a wave of extra-pointed ninja throwing samosas (hot from said deep fat fryer), followed by sharpened chillis, catapulted using a flexible plastic spatula. Then, an aluminium frying pan makes an excellent racquet with which to "serve" ice cubes at high velocity, which can both injure by impact, and seriously compromise the intruder's tread on the floor, critical for the next phase of the assault, which would be carried out by pouring vinegar into an extremely hot skillet, thereby causing it to decompose into methane which would then be ignited by the flame on the gas hob (this actually works!), and thrown at the intruder, more for shock effect than likelihood of causing burns. Those would be administered by using a highly pumped-up oil spray (those things everybody bought to do low fat cooking, but which are in fact utterly useless), a lighter held in the path of the mist of oil to create a culinary flamethrower.
By this time, the fudge should have reached the requisite temperature of about 140C, and will be ready for throwing. Fudge's advantage over oil is that it sticks, and our intruder will now be struggling to remove material that is giving him third degree burns.
At this point, I would expect him to have begun panicking, so I would take out my urban75 first aid guide, find out from it what the best cure for panic attacks was, and do the decent thing by the poor chap.
Oh, bugger. I forgot to use the salad server gambit. Ah well...
pembrokestephen
New Member
Man, I like your style inna kitchen!mrs quoad said:Throw flour up into a finely dispersed cloud, then use a squirt of oil from a salad oiler across hob-lighter to ignite.
Hey presto, one McGuyver-style stun grenade
Similar threads
