what do you think ross kemp should do next?

[maximilian ping]

Ross 'n' Dole

Ross Kemp goes round various 'benefit scroungers' houses and gets them into work, mainly by via shouting and using his neck hair.

Benefit scroungers who are foreign are kidnapped and stored in a giant silo ready to be used in his next programme: 'Kemp: Escape from the City of the Damned'

 

[QueenOfGoths]

Ross Kemp On ...

Fire - Ross has to sit on top of a bonfire until he gets too hot and has to get down

The Wagon - Ross sits on the back of a wagon which goes over a very bumpy road until his bottom gets too numb and has to get down

Acid - Ross is lowered towards a tank of sulphuric acid until his toes start to melt and has to get down

On Form - Ross sits on top of a pyramid of 6th Form girls until they can't hold his weight any longer. And he has to get down

 

[electrogirl]

I'd quite like to Grant on acid.

 

[goldenecitrone]

Ross Kemp on a life support machine.

Watch Ross's last moments as the machine is switched off and he travels over to the other side.

 

[QueenOfGoths]

Ross Kemp on a life support machine.

Watch Ross's last moments as the machine is switched off and he travels over to the other side.

.... to have a fight with God!

 

[goldenecitrone]

.... to have a fight with God!

Ross gets a few quick punches in before God turns him into a dung beetle and drops him into the centre of the earth.

 

[Melinda]

Ross Kemp in 'God Smack.'

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

Ross 'n' Dole

Ross Kemp goes round various 'benefit scroungers' houses and gets them into work, mainly by via shouting and using his neck hair.

Benefit scroungers who are foreign are kidnapped and stored in a giant silo ready to be used in his next programme: 'Kemp: Escape from the City of the Damned'

 

[electrogirl]

This is my favourite quote from Extras.

Maggie: [trying to persuade Andy to ask Ross Kemp for a line] Just talk to him. Tell him you loved him in Eastenders, Ultimate Force, Spandau Ballet...
Andy: He wasn't in Spandau Ballet. You're thinking of Martin Kemp.
Maggie: Aren't they brothers?
Andy: In Spandau Ballet, it's Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp.
Maggie: So who's this one?
Andy: Ross Kemp.
Maggie Jacobs: Who's his brother?
Andy: I... I don't know if he's got a brother.
Maggie: Yes, he has. The bald one, looks just like him, works in the Queen Vic.
Andy: Phil Mitchell?
Maggie: Yes.
Andy: Well, they're brothers on the show but they're not brothers in real life.
Maggie: Yes, they are! They're the Mitchell brothers.
Andy: [getting exasperated] What do you mean the Mitchell brothers? You know his name's Ross Kemp!
[Maggie is still looking very puzzled]
Andy: What bit's confusing you?
Maggie Jacobs: [after a pause. mumbles] The brothers.
Andy Millman: The brothers.

 

[Madusa]

porn

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

porn

Urgh!? That's just sick.

 

[goldenecitrone]

Urgh!? That's just sick.

Unless it's a snuff movie and Ross is felated by a pig on a life support machine, Ross, not the pig, that would be daft, before the machine is switched off and we watch Ross drift off to have a fight with God. Covers most bases I reckon.

 

[QueenOfGoths]

porn

Is he made to sit on a massive pile of wank mags until they start to wobble so he can't keep his balance any longer. And has to get off. In all ways

 

[Madusa]

You guys have thought about this way too much.

 

[Madusa]

i reckon he'd be a right grunter tho

 

[Melinda]

And an excessive sweater.

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

I bet he squeals like a pig.

 

[Madusa]

And an excessive sweater.

Urgh!!!

You *always* have to come in and go a notch lower.

 

[Melinda]

Thats how I roll

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

'Ross Kemp on Mads and Melinda' would probably be a popular choice.

 

[goldenecitrone]

'Ross Kemp on Mads and Melinda' would probably be a popular choice.

A sweating, grunting, squealing spectacular.

 

[Madusa]

Cant shake the image of ross kemp naked, sweating...and pummelling.

 

[fogbat]

Ross Kemp's Ultimate Porch.

 

[QueenOfGoths]

Ross Kemp's Ultimate Paunch - a kebab and burger frenzy leaves Ross with moobs and a muffin top

 

[QueenOfGoths]

Cant shake the image of ross kemp naked, sweating...and pummelling.

And grunting. Or occasionally shouting "Tiffany"

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

Ross Kemp's Ultimate Paunch - a kebab and burger frenzy leaves Ross with moobs and a muffin top

 

[Madusa]

And grunting. Or occasionally shouting "Tiffany"

Oh yeah, forgot the grunting.


Oh god! I fell into your trap! Please make the tape loop stop!

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

And grunting. Or occasionally shouting "Tiffany"

I reckon he'd probably shout "Go on Grant, come on me old son, go Grant go!!!"cos being Grant was the high point of his stardom and he secretly misses it.

 

[Augie March]

Change his name to Boss Hemp and become a drug dealer in Liverpool.

 

[steveo87]

Ross Kemp On ...

Fire - Ross has to sit on top of a bonfire until he gets too hot and has to get down

The Wagon - Ross sits on the back of a wagon which goes over a very bumpy road until his bottom gets too numb and has to get down

Acid - Ross is lowered towards a tank of sulphuric acid until his toes start to melt and has to get down

On Form - Ross sits on top of a pyramid of 6th Form girls until they can't hold his weight any longer. And he has to get down

Are you the one that came up with Hole in the Wall on BBC 1?