Wedding Etiquette

[FridgeMagnet]

The trick with lists is to make sure it suits everyone's pockets. If you want the fancy dinner service and used-once-a-decade cutlery set, make sure there's other stuff too. It feels a bit shit buying one side-plate hoping that someone else will buy the other 5, but if it's the only thing on the list you can afford...

Include pint-vouchers for your local pub or summat. Nice way to let someone make a token gesture that will be appreciated.

I like lists to be honest, there's usually a good range of stuff on them from cutlery to some amazing hyperspace toaster. It does feel a bit odd buying people stuff when I'm well aware that they already have all that crap because they've been living together for X years, though.

 

[ymu]

I like lists to be honest, there's usually a good range of stuff on them from cutlery to some amazing hyperspace toaster. It does feel a bit odd buying people stuff when I'm well aware that they already have all that crap because they've been living together for X years, though.

I like them too - but I have had one where there was nothing affordable except a side plate for £18. I couldn't even stretch to a cup and saucer, ffs!

 

[equationgirl]

To be honest, the best wedding I went to had a hot and cold buffet so people could have as much or as little as they wanted - and the wedding cake was lemon sponge which was lovely.

The worst wedding I went to was on a freezing cold day in November, the ceremony was at 12.30 and they didn't let on that the meal wasn't until 5pm. I had to nip out for some biscuits that had been left in the car. And the options were roast beef or risotto - which was from a packet mix!

Guess who spent more?

 

[madzone]

(unless you really are being silly, like expecting them to know to come dressed as an alligator)

It wasn't alligators, it was vicars and tarts OK????

 

[ATOMIC SUPLEX]

I know what you mean but many don't feel the same and one of the questions people usually asked when I was talking about wedding plans was where is your list? It's so hard to know what to do because you don't want to be seen as money grabbing or greedy but if you don't have a list I've heard people moan because they don't know what to buy.

I like them because when most people have lived together for years or already have their own house it's impossible to know what to buy especially if it's not someone you're really close to. I wouldn't have a clue what to get most people (other than very closest mates).

I mentioned in the invite exactly that. I said that we already had a house and all the bits that fit inside and didn't need any extra crap.
I did end up with some money falling out of cards and some wine etc.

 

[JTG]

Hold on. Wedding gift levels should be decided on how well you know and how much you like the couple.

It shouldn't be a case of whats in it for me when i attend.

Wedding lists are a suggestion of what they'd really like off those with the ability and the desire to purchase something really nice. Everyone else, use your own judgement if its beyond your means or if you don't really know us that well and are just making up the numbers.

IMO anyways.

But a gift should be something given without expectation of anything in return. You do not give gifts in the expectation of getting free food and drink, you give gifts because it pleases you to do so. If the pleasure of giving a gift to any particular couple is not sufficient reward in itself, then don't do it. If the reception is only about whether you can get something free out of it rather than to gladly spend time celebrating with the couple, then don't go. I think you're missing the spirit of both celebration and gift giving.

Precisely.

Last wedding I was involved in, I got some stuff off the list 'cos I wanted to and I'm fond of the couple. I turned up to the after meal bash where finger thingies were served and I paid for my own booze. It was brilliant because I was pleased they'd invited me to share the day with them and frankly I would have been happy with no food at all as long as I could have a dance with them and their mates.

The wedding day's all about the happy couple, bollocks to anybody else's expectations.

 

[Yelkcub]

It's their day and they can do it however they want. You have no right to be offended but shouldn't go if you you don't think it's worth your time or money.

(IMO obviously)

 

[JTG]

So the happy couple arent EXPECTING their shiny new gifts listed in their wedding invite then?

Well some may do but I saw the wedding list I had this year as one which the couple provided for anyone that wanted to do presents and no obligation for those that didn't. I had some cash and wanted to buy them summat so I did. I doubt I'd have been seen in a different light had I just turned up for the party and no gift at all.

 

[Detroit City]

jesus christ....over here the latest craze is to put "No boxed gifts, please" on the bottom of the invite in very small font. Meaning they only want ca$h or checks (cheques)

 

[JTG]

Well lucky for me, I have a large family who specialise in such finery on the cheap.

I've been to weddings - for example a couple of friends we getting married in Poland. We flew out to Poland. They were my tennants so I was fully aware of their finacial situation but no one went away hungry. It was a fantastic wedding for all concerned which most importantly, didnt cripple them financially. It can be done. It's just a matter of whether it's a priority or not.

I imagine it's cheaper to cater for a big group in Poland than it is here

 

[Detroit City]

i think Melinda should just not go

 

[Madusa]

I imagine it's cheaper to cater for a big group in Poland than it is here

Not really. It's all relative really. The couple were skint and the parents of the couple both contributed but both sets live in Poland and they dont have the disposable income there as you have generally in the UK. Everything was shoestring but the sentiment was there and it was thoroughly enjoyable day.

 

[JTG]

bet it was still easier to feed people there than here.

 

[Madusa]

bet it was still easier to feed people there than here.

On what money though? That's the point.

 

[feyr]

a few years back, i got invited to a good friends wedding, out in the middle of nowhere, near the village she grew up and her parents (including her very ill and disabled dad) still lived. a couple of our mutal friends from work also got invited but only to the evening do. i declined the wedding invite because i physically couldnt afford getting there with out sharing costs with friends, so instead offered to sort out decorations for the reception while the service was going on .she then said that i wasnt to buy them a gift as that was my wedding gift because i had to fork out for travel/accomodation etc .i thought that was really sweet so ended up organising a whipround at work for everyone to chip in for some items on her very reasonable wedding list, and managed to scrape together enough to get her a few more items from me and mr feyr . she was so chuffed when all her presents turned up, and it made me happy to see her so happy

another friend got married recently , and ended up falling out with a lot of people who she had only invited to the evening do, but had still expected to get gifts from. her attitude was that it was her wedding and she deserved gifts! i went to the eveing do ( but not the service, as it was strictly child free, and i couldnt afford childcare for a full day and evening) and tbh, i did resent having to buy her a gift because it was all expensive stuff ( £50 +) on her list, and i resented her a bit for keeping saying that she wanted to celebrate with her family , friends and their families but not allowing children

my wedding will be pretty traditional, and i wont invite that many of my friends to the actual churchy bit because either i know they a) arent religious, b) very anti religion, c) have a partner who i dont know that well if at all, or d) are more aquaintances than friends after the service, there will be hot meal for everyone who went to the service, and friends that i didnt invite to the service for reasons a and b, then an evening do for everyone and those who i didnt invite for reason d. we arent having a wedding list as such, but have said if anyone wants to give us a gift, we would be extremely grateful for whatever they want to give us, but the best present is their company i cant afford a free bar but we will be providing booze for the meal and a few bottles of cava and a few jugs of sangria for stereotypical value on each table for the evening do which will be tapas food . we will hopefully have guests coming over from spain , so have negotiated special rates for wedding guests at 2 localish hotels, and will be paying for a couple of minibus taxi's to each hotel, and also 1 to my hometown as a lot of my guests are from work and we all live pretty close to each other. the money we are spending on taxi's is less that what a free bar would cost, and means people can have a good time, and not worry about how to get home. we have also said that guests will be expected to wear church clothes for the service, smart for the formal meal, and whatever they want in the evening , even hoodies and jeans if thats what they feel best in. kids are welcome all day, but we have arranged for a couple of my workmates to organise childcare during the actual service for any kids who dont want or cant cope with being part of the boring bit but whose parents want to attend. i am really really excited about it, can you tell? .

 

[cesare]

i am really really excited about it, can you tell? .

Yes! Is it soon feyr? Prioritising help with things like travel, accommodation and childcare is very cool. I hope you have a wonderful day.

...............................................

So much to take into account and organise, so many people expecting different things. Weddings is stressful business innit.

Melinda, re your original question, did you receive your invite then once you'd RSVP'd ... get wedding list and info as a response?

 

[baldrick]

I think it would nark me a bit if the couple had obviously spent a shitload on the venue, say, and it was in the middle of nowhere and accommodation and travel were expensive, and then they just had some sausages on sticks for the guests and you had to pay for drinks yourself. That's more on the basis of hospitality than anything else though, not just because something's expected for a wedding, and I'm not referring to the case here, I don't know enough about it.

that's exactly what the last wedding i went to was like.

i was beginning to wonder whether i was being mean in feeling a bit pissed off about it. We left at midnight, with a 2 hour drive to get home, starving hungry

 

[butterfly child]

jesus christ....over here the latest craze is to put "No boxed gifts, please" on the bottom of the invite in very small font. Meaning they only want ca$h or checks (cheques)

I can think of loads of gifts that don't come in a box.

 

[butterfly child]

When we got married (9 years ago today, not that I'm going on about it or anything!) we didn't want people to buy us anything. But people were asking, so we made the decision to say if people wanted to buy us something, they could buy us John Lewis or M&S vouchers. My FiL wanted to buy us a gift, and he bought us a new fridge freezer.

Our families live in London and Bristol, both of which have both stores, so we knew they would be easy to do.

(My husband said we couldn't ask for HMV vouchers )

I wasn't interested in knowing how much people spent - we opened the gift cards, and put all the vouchers together, so had no idea of individual amounts.

I felt we couldn't afford a free bar, but my husband insisted, so the caterers supplied the wine, beer and soft drinks. That was actually the biggest part of the whole wedding bill, but I think it was down to the staff opening more bottles of wine than we actually used, more than our guests drinking it all.