To break-up or not to break-up

[Treacle Toes]

Sounds like you a least need to take some time and space for you Yelk. Perhaps that will give her the prompt she needs to fix up on the inappropriate behaviour.
You on the otherhand may just find that you don't want to carry on with this relationship. Sometimes we need a little distance to feel strong enough/ clear enough to make that decision.

Good luck!

 

[William of Walworth]

I never saw this thread originally, back in 2007. On reading it now, without noticing dates, I thought it was all new and current ...

What a sad and distressing story .... but Yelkcub, looks from your posts here that you did everythuig you could to keep it all on track, but that she didn't allow it to work despite lots of chances. I was just thinking (from post 83) that you were doing the right thing.

It took a little bit of time for me to realise that the longer breakup post above was a year later not a few days!

 

[Eva Luna]

Yeah me too, very sorry to hear it, and its such a shame innit, when you really love the person but they keep on doing something damaging. In the end the only conclusion we ever reach is that we cannot change other people. She has lost out, but so have you, if you loved aspects of her. But hitting and losing the plot isnt on. Take care mate xx

 

[Treacle Toes]

I never saw this thread originally, back in 2007. On reading it now, without noticing dates, I thought it was all new and current ...

Me too. Hence my post above.

 

[Yelkcub]

What a sad and distressing story ....

Sad and distressed pretty much describes me today. When you're younger and a little less worldly wise, you can get through these things in anger at the other person. Now, I understand the things in her past that drive her nasty side and I'm just so, so upset that I couldn't help her so we could be happy.

 

[Eva Luna]

Sad and distressed pretty much describes me today. When you're younger and a little less worldly wise, you can get through these things in anger at the other person. Now, I understand the things in her past that drive her nasty side and I'm just so, so upset that I couldn't help her so we could be happy.

Aww Yelkcub, that breaks my heart.

But I think this is just one of those 'things' in life that everyone comes across - you can't 'do it' for other people. In a strange way that is disempowering - after all, no matter how much you love her, what can you do to effect change? But at the same time, these are her problems, they exist in her mind and life, and it is her mind and feelings about her past that need to change - you can't do that for her. In a strange way it is then empowering to her - what is she or isnt she going to do to make that change? How much is she prepared to lose to the existence of her problems?

Anyway, this is about you. Would you say you have accepted it now, that you cant change her, and her behaviour is a risk to your comfort and safety? Its just so sad isnt it, I have been there several times, wanting to help people I love but knowing that nothing I did ever made the difference, and the more I tried the less they tried.

 

[Yelkcub]

Anyway, this is about you. Would you say you have accepted it now, that you cant change her, and her behaviour is a risk to your comfort and safety? Its just so sad isnt it, I have been there several times, wanting to help people I love but knowing that nothing I did ever made the difference, and the more I tried the less they tried.

Yes, I'd say I've accepted it. I've made a fool of myself on here and in person before by saying enough is enough and then giving her one last chance and every time it's got worse not better.

My heart is fucking broken though.

 

[Treacle Toes]

Mourning a relationship (all the love/energy you put in and the ideals you had for it) is normal, give yourself time.

 

[girasol]

Yes, I'd say I've accepted it. I've made a fool of myself on here and in person before by saying enough is enough and then giving her one last chance and every time it's got worse not better.

My heart is fucking broken though.

The only way she'll change is if someone says 'enough is enough'. You've just done that so well done. Stick with it. Maybe she'll sort herself out, but she needs to do it off her own back now, you tried for long enough.

 

[D]

You seem like a really good bloke, Yelkclub. That's all I have to add, really: give yourself time.

 

[Yelkcub]

You seem like a really good bloke, Yelkclub. That's all I have to add, really: give yourself time.

Thank you D.

I don't feel good though, I feel like I've failed her for not getting her to get help. I guess at least if she get's help now, because of this, at least I'll have helped indirectly.

(And then some other fucker will get all the things I love about her with none of the stuff that's making us split up That's life I guess)

 

[D]

That feeling will pass. You didn't fail. And, ultimately, she's not the last person on earth. You may love her, but - one hopes - you'll meet someone else who's better able to take care of herself (and you).

Maybe someone else will get to have the relationship you imagine you could have had with her, but maybe not. You cannot predict.

 

[Yelkcub]

Just picked up some stuff from flat we shared. I'm going to stay at house I own round the corner tonight but it seems wrong

Why can't love be enough?

 

[stereotypical]

Sounds like good riddance if you ask me. I know its hard and all that but the amount of shit you have put up with will mean it WILL be a relief once you get over the initial grief of not having her around.

I think you have to ask yourself in all honesty, would she have tolerated you if the tables were turned??

Think about it like this, you can do better, your obv a decent person and you deserve someone decent who will treat you right. Whats the point in having someone around who causes you so much hassle when you could be out there looking for or at least available for the girl of your dreams.

Get her out your life and never look back mate

 

[stereotypical]

(And then some other fucker will get all the things I love about her with none of the stuff that's making us split up That's life I guess)

Nope, some other poor sod will go through it all mate and the one after and so on until she finally understands how to treat people properly in a relationship

On a side note, I find it hard to be sympathetic with people who put up with shit like this, ok so fair enough they love each other and have many happy memories but for christs sake its YOUR life and its too bloody short to be getting hassle and stress off a person who is supposed to make you happy.

Stop wasting your time and hers mate

 

[JohnnyOrange]

Nope, some other poor sod will go through it all mate and the one after and so on until she finally understands how to treat people properly in a relationship

On a side note, I find it hard to be sympathetic with people who put up with shit like this, ok so fair enough they love each other and have many happy memories but for christs sake its YOUR life and its too bloody short to be getting hassle and stress off a person who is supposed to make you happy.

Stop wasting your time and hers mate

To be fair, when you love someone, care for them and hold out for a brighter future you don't even feel like you're putting up with it sometimes. Looking back on a short-term relationship that had a similar effect on me a while ago (although nothing like this), I now can't believe how miserable I was at the time - I thought I was happy.

But it is too short. You've done the right thing by the sounds of things Yelkcub and you've given it your very best. Ok so you only want to be with one person now, but there's someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are and what you have to give to a relationship, and hopefully you'll be amazed at how easy it feels when you meet them.

 

[William of Walworth]

Johnny speaks loads of sense there Yelkcub, even if you're not really in the right space to find it easy to take in what he says properly right now, the clouds will clear and time will heal. Even if that isn't really what you want to hear atm, I'm sure things will imrpove for you.

Meantime, go out and about with good/close mates and chat and socialise. Look for peoples' supportive shoulders to rely on, in the short term. And if all you end up doing at the w/e is drinking too much beer and raging to said pals, that will at least be cathartic, and if they're true mates, they will understand.

Later, the proper perspective will return and you will feel better, you seem the sort of sense-filled sort who's resilient enough for real improvements to come about. Maybe sooner than you think, with luck.

And as for luck, here's wishing you lots

 

[panpete]

We were/are going with 10 of my mates. A mate of hers has booked up independently to meet is there.

I don't want to ruin her Xmas but I know if I was advising someone else, I'd say look after yourself first.

She dosen't deserve it.
Go ski, and have fun.