To break-up or not to break-up

[dolly's gal]

It was doing until recently. But the last few weeks have been a nightmare.

well as i'm sure you know, there are ups and downs which come as part of all relationships, and depending on how serious things are with this girl, then a few weeks worth of crap isn't all that bad.

however, if you're not really all that serious about her and can't be arsed going through the down times (and who says you have to eh??) then i'd say it's time to move on.

 

[girasol]

what dolly said ^^^

(although I really can't be arsed with dealing with people who turn into monsters when drunk, been there done it, threw the t-shirt away)

 

[dolly's gal]

(although I really can't be arsed with dealing with people who turn into monsters when drunk, been there done it, threw the t-shirt away)

it does get to the stage when it's pretty hard to cope with, yes

 

[beeboo]

Unless you think her behaviour is so bad that there's a serious chance she's going to ruin the holiday for everyone else, not just just yourself, you're going to have to ride this one out, for the sake of the mate as much as anything else.

I'd give her something of a serious warning/ultimatum though, along the lines of she's got to control herself or else you'll tear up her ticket (put a bit more sensitively of course!)

 

[trashpony]

If you like her apart from the drinking, then maybe you saying something is going to be the wake up call she needs. Sounds like she has a bit of a problem with the booze.

If she were really well-behaved on the holiday and stopped drinking, would you still want to be with her? Or not? Because there's not much point in giving her an ultimatum if you don't want to be with her anyway.

 

[Yelkcub]

If you like her apart from the drinking, then maybe you saying something is going to be the wake up call she needs. Sounds like she has a bit of a problem with the booze.

If she were really well-behaved on the holiday and stopped drinking, would you still want to be with her? Or not? Because there's not much point in giving her an ultimatum if you don't want to be with her anyway.

I think I would, but I can't see how her never drinking would fit our lifestyle. Or do I stop drinking as well? Which would pretty much mean finding entirely new friends.

 

[dolly's gal]

If she were really well-behaved on the holiday and stopped drinking, would you still want to be with her? Or not? Because there's not much point in giving her an ultimatum if you don't want to be with her anyway.

yes this is the point really, isn't it.

 

[trashpony]

I think I would, but I can't see how her never drinking would fit our lifestyle. Or do I stop drinking as well? Which would pretty much mean finding entirely new friends.

I don't think you have to stop too because she can't handle her booze. But if she's going to go through a huge life change, I think you've either got to be really hugely committed to her or dump her. And it sounds to me as if you're not that committed tbh

 

[beeboo]

I think I would, but I can't see how her never drinking would fit our lifestyle. Or do I stop drinking as well? Which would pretty much mean finding entirely new friends.

Can she drink without going overboard though? A friend of mine who likes a bit of a drink is great to have around of an evening when he's had a *few* drinks all too often tips over a line where he becomes a complete nightmare.

When he can keep himself on the right side of that line it's all good - I can spot it these days and start forcing him to drink water or buying him non-alcoholic drinks and pretending they're alcoholic.

Could you get her friend on side and stop her drinking before she turns into a drunken loon?

 

[Kizmet]

I think I would, but I can't see how her never drinking would fit our lifestyle. Or do I stop drinking as well? Which would pretty much mean finding entirely new friends.

Thought you said it was the drinking and not eating?

Whats with the not eating?

 

[dolly's gal]

Could you get her friend on side and stop her drinking before she turns into a drunken loon?

yeh but why should he have to be responsible for this?? it's no fun babysitting someone, especially when you're supposed to be on holiday!

 

[Yelkcub]

Thought you said it was the drinking and not eating?

Whats with the not eating?

She's got some sort of digestion problem that means she's always painfully bloated after eating, so she sometimes avoids doing so. Although during last night's drunken rant she implied she had an eating disorder and had been making herself sick. She's denied that today, can't remember it and was probably being dramatic.

 

[GarfieldLeChat]

"Blindness and tolerance to what you don't like leads to further cycles of abuse."

assumign it's that bad of course and that this isn't an over reaction or of course a controlling partner... Two sides to all of these things and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors...

 

[Yelkcub]

assumign it's that bad of course and that this isn't an over reaction or of course a controlling partner... Two sides to all of these things and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors...

I'm fully confident it's neither of those things.

 

[trashpony]

She's got some sort of digestion problem that means she's always painfully bloated after eating, so she sometimes avoids doing so. Although during last night's drunken rant she implied she had an eating disorder and had been making herself sick. She's denied that today, can't remember it and was probably being dramatic.

Hmm - this sounds like in vino veritas to me. Always painfully bloated so can't eat but can cane it on booze? Very unlikely IMO.

 

[beeboo]

yeh but why should he have to be responsible for this?? it's no fun babysitting someone, especially when you're supposed to be on holiday!

For the friend, it might be a case of that or no holiday at all. I know which one I'd choose!

Anyway personally I see looking after your mates or your girlfriend as something you just do because they're your mate/your girlfriend. Sure, ideally you don't want to be doing it, but when it comes down to it if they're a mate I try to sort them out.

 

[dolly's gal]

Anyway personally I see looking after your mates or your girlfriend as something you just do because they're your mate/your girlfriend. Sure, ideally you don't want to be doing it, but when it comes down to it if they're a mate I try to sort them out.

very true indeed. but if it's a regular occurance it can get more than slightly annoying. and i speak from a lot of experience here. something has to give in the end, and if it's not their drinking, well, it's the relationship, i'd say

 

[beeboo]

very true indeed. but if it's a regular occurance it can get more than slightly annoying. and i speak from a lot of experience here. something has to give in the end, and if it's not their drinking, well, it's the relationship, i'd say

Well yep, definitely.

I still think that ruining Christmas for the girl and her friend isn't to be undertaken lightly though, and I think I'd give her the option of agreeing not to drink to excess on the holiday, or else no holiday. Last chance saloon for the relationship or something. If she can't agree to that, she can sling her hook.

 

[Yelkcub]

Well yep, definitely.

I still think that ruining Christmas for the girl and her friend isn't to be undertaken lightly though, and I think I'd give her the option of agreeing not to drink to excess on the holiday, or else no holiday. Last chance saloon for the relationship or something. If she can't agree to that, she can sling her hook.

I'm definitely not taking it lightly. I just dread the possibility of her going off on one while we're away.

 

[Eva Luna]

I've been in this boat. You take it and take it and take it, and then one time you think 'No, that's it. I no longer respect you and I am out of here.'

 

[invisibleplanet]

That's not the boat that Yelkcub is in

Is that the boat you're in, Yelkcub?

 

[GarfieldLeChat]

I'm fully confident it's neither of those things.

fairy nuff what was it that happened to make yout hink fuck it then if you've been together for a long time?

and one assumes trusted each other enough to invest funds in a holiday together (usually the thing most guarenteed to fuck up any releationship)

 

[Yelkcub]

Thanks for the input everyone. Had a long heart to heart with her last night and we're going to see how we get on during the holiday.

I explained that I don't want to have the power in our relationship that her fucking up and me forgiving her inevitably creates. She says she understands that and knows she has to eat more and drink less and that that's her responsibility.

Here's hoping and thanks again.

 

[invisibleplanet]

You done good, Yelkcub

 

[beeboo]

Good news - sounds like that is for the best. Hope you have a good holiday

 

[Rainingstairs]

I've been in this boat. You take it and take it and take it, and then one time you think 'No, that's it. I no longer respect you and I am out of here.'

yep, and there's no turning back from that point. I'd go on the vaca with her and have fun with your friends while she can be with her friend.

Just think, "I have the tolerance within me to give her this last thing, and then I give her no more ever again." not your time or your cash...which she's had no respect for.

But don't be cruel. I'd let her know how you feel though. Give her to choice to go or not go, but let her know how you feel.

 

[Yelkcub]

"Blindness and tolerance to what you don't like leads to further cycles of abuse."

How true that is.

Sat in work, with a scratches on my forehead and a big red welt on my neck after she lost the plot last night and attacked me.

She's full of remorse this morning, but has agreed to be gone by the time I get home.

The thing is, I'm not a shy retiring type, I can hold my own in a fight (not that I get involved unless it necessary) but the only thing a decent man can do when attacked by a woman is restrain her.

I've lost count of the number of times she promised to get help with her temper but it's too late now.

It's very sad because we do love each other.


Cheers for the outlet.

 

[ice-is-forming]

jeez!!!! you have given her a year and she still isn't sorting it

even tho you both love each other whatever you have been doing hasn't been working, sometimes it takes drastic action, such as seperating, to force your point. only someone behaving like an idiot would carry on doing the same thing over and over but expect different results...

i hope it all works out ok for both of you

 

[girasol]

well, you definetely gave her a few chances... I remember this thread from last year

good luck

 

[bluestreak]

Bloody hellfire. Well, you can';t say you didn't give it your best try.