To break-up or not to break-up

[ShiftyBagLady]

but he woud be lying to her if he said that and leading her on. Yes its awkward and uncomfortable but isnt tha better than stringing the woman along?
Seen as her friend has booked up I think she shoud still go, maybe she could share the room with her friend.... i dont know. good luck.

 

[fractionMan]

Wait until the first day of the holiday, then tell her.

 

[beeboo]

If at the end of the week your mind is made up, and you feel the relationship is over, then fair enough. But you cannot drop someone days before a planned holiday and Christmas.

I think I'm inclined to agree - but I think it really depends precisely how out of order she has been.

You could say "she's made her bed now she's got to lie in it". Maybe this is the case, she's been so unreasonable that it's now not unreasonable for you to finish with her.

On the other hand, maybe it is YOU who has made your bed and has to lie in it. It sounds like the relationship has been pretty volatile over the last six months - to be honest, you're the one that, knowing that you've been up-and-down, have committed to going away on holiday together over Christmas, and it's a bit late with less than a week to go to retract that.

I honestly don't think I can judge without knowing more about the situation.

 

[Eva Luna]

"Blindness and tolerance to what you don't like leads to further cycles of abuse."

 

[clandestino]

OMG you all cannot be serious! You can't break up with her a few days before you're due to go skiiing with her and a friend for Christmas. You've just gotta make the most of it. Have a chat with her, say you're feeling unsure about the relationship but you enjoy spending time with her and want to give it another try over Christmas. Then go and have fun skiing.

If at the end of the week your mind is made up, and you feel the relationship is over, then fair enough. But you cannot drop someone days before a planned holiday and Christmas.

I agree with this. It would be a terrible thing to do to the girl, no matter how badly she's acted in the past.

On a purely selfish level, too, you could run the risk of really pissing off some of your friends if you dump her now. So you'd be on a ski-ing holiday with at least two or three people out of the ten who hate your guts. Doesn't sound like much fun.

Damned if you do and dammed if you don't...so you might as well grin and bear it. Tell her you're unhappy, but you want to try and sort it out on holiday.

 

[invisibleplanet]

Hi. You pissed me off so much last week that I'm not going to give you your present so you can stay here and mope about, whilst your friend will feel isolated from our group of 10 buddies without your presence and feel punished for your actions too.

Sorry - all that conditional love/reward stuff isn't really down with the spirit of the season. She's not a child.

She's been silly, thoughtless, insensitive but - she should still go skiing though - if she has a friend going, they can hang out together.

There's enough of you going for it to be a holiday to remember. Tell her how you feel and that you feel that it's not what you want from a relationship, but don't ruin this holiday treat for her, for her friend, for yourself and for your friends - the situation is salvageable.

 

[Eva Luna]

I would hate to be that girl though. 'Just get through it for everyone else's sake and then get her out of my sight sharpish.' *shudder* Would rather stay at home for SURE.

 

[Kizmet]

Sorry - all that conditional love/reward stuff isn't really down with the spirit of the season. She's not a child.

I have no idea where you're going with the whole good lover thing.. but this is very apt.

It's ain't down with the season.. nor with relationships.

 

[Yelkcub]

On a purely selfish level, too, you could run the risk of really pissing off some of your friends if you dump her now. So you'd be on a ski-ing holiday with at least two or three people out of the ten who hate your guts. Doesn't sound like much fun.
.

Not at all. They are long term friends of mine who barely know my girlfriend.

It's a fucking shit situation that there's no easy answer to.

 

[Kizmet]

I think so.

Maybe that's why it may serve as a buffer... it's a chance to be somewhere else - away from the crap bits of the last few weeks/months.. and do interesting stuff in an environement where you're not forced together.

You could talk to her about how you think you guys should treat this as make or break... and see how the week goes?

Being relieved about something is usually about feeling pressured by something.

Maybe with the pressure off the relief feeling will go too?

And then you can just get on with feeling good.

 

[Yelkcub]

Hi. You pissed me off so much last week that I'm not going to give you your present so you can stay here and mope about, whilst your friend will feel isolated from our group of 10 buddies without your presence and feel punished for your actions too.

Sorry - all that conditional love/reward stuff isn't really down with the spirit of the season. She's not a child.

She's been silly, thoughtless, insensitive but - she should still go skiing though - if she has a friend going, they can hang out together.

There's enough of you going for it to be a holiday to remember. Tell her how you feel and that you feel that it's not what you want from a relationship, but don't ruin this holiday treat for her, for her friend, for yourself and for your friends - the situation is salvageable.

But given that the tantrums and general lunacy are always from drinking and not eating I can pretty much guarantee more of the same on the holiday

 

[invisibleplanet]

It could do her good to see you surrounded by people who know you well, who respect you and love you - she might not have that in her own circle of friends - it could be an eye-opener.

 

[dolly's gal]

But given that the tantrums and general lunacy are always from drinking and not eating I can pretty much guarantee more of the same on the holiday

do you like her aside of the "tantrums"?

 

[invisibleplanet]

But given that the tantrums and general lunacy are always from drinking and not eating I can pretty much guarantee more of the same on the holiday

So be firm and kind about this. If she's a sweetie until she gets into this state, tell her. If when she's in a drunken-state and she behaves like a pratt and shows herself (and you) up, tell her.

Tell her you've got the 'You can go off some people' reaction to her pisshead-antics, and however nice she is when she's not tantrum-drunk, when she gets like this you just want to walk away - ask her if that is her intention or if it's incidental.

Have you ever been through an obnoxious/can't hold your drink phase?

 

[Yelkcub]

do you like her aside of the "tantrums"?

Yes.

 

[Kizmet]

So be firm and kind about this. Tell her she's a sweetie until she gets into this state, and in this state, she behaves like a pratt and shows herself (and you) up. Tell her you've got the 'You can go off some people' reaction to her pisshead-antics, and however nice she is when she's not tantrum-drunk, when she gets like this you just want to walk away - ask her if that is her intention or if it's incidental.

What do you think her reaction would be if he tried to do this?

 

[invisibleplanet]

How old is she?

 

[invisibleplanet]

What do you think her reaction would be if he tried to do this?

I would be embarrassed, and possibly relieved that he cared so much about me/us to mention it.
I don't know what her reaction would be.

 

[Yelkcub]

Have you ever been through an obnoxious/can't hold your drink phase?

At 18 I guess.

 

[Yelkcub]

How old is she?

33

 

[invisibleplanet]

At 18 I guess.

Me too. Too much drinks cabinet gin, and no parents in the house. Playing my flute at 3am when I was supposed to be babysitting. I felt very sick the next day, and then had to endure the sisters telling the parents about it. I was not popular

 

[Throbbing Angel]

do have loads of money?
If you do, suggest you pay her mate back the cost of the trip.
Only a sugestion and I realise that this would be out of 99% of people's reach/ability. Is it worth it though is the question?

And, I have been in a relationship with a tantrum throwing loon - I took far too long to extricate myself from the situation. If you're sure you want out, why wait? Shitty time of year but fuck me, is there ever a good time to tell someone "you're boozing and general childishness fucks me off to the extent that I don't wanna go on holiday with you"?

 

[Kizmet]

I would be embarrassed, and possibly relieved that he cared so much about me/us to mention it.
I don't know what her reaction would be.

Every woman I've known friend or otherwise would deck him.

Though that might say more about me, than them...

 

[dolly's gal]

Yelkcub, what does she do when she's drunk that causes you to row? is she insecure in your relationship i wonder, and this comes through when she's drunk?

 

[Yelkcub]

do have loads of money?
If you do, suggest you pay her mate back the cost of the trip.
Only a sugestion and I realise that this would be out of 99% of people's reach/ability. Is it worth it though is the question?

And, I have been in a relationship with a tantrum throwing loon - I took far too long to extricate myself from the situation. If you're sure you want out, why wait? Shitty time of year but fuck me, is there ever a good time to tell someone "you're boozing and general childishness fucks me off to the extent that I don't wanna go on holiday with you"?

Yup, I could pay her mate's costs no problem, so worth the question, yes.

 

[Yelkcub]

Yelkcub, what does she do when she's drunk that causes you to row? is she insecure in your relationship i wonder, and this comes through when she's drunk?

Insecure - Maybe, she knew my ex when we were together and as always worried I'd take her back. Ex is 10 years younger than us and a model, so I guess most women would feel threatened, but wanted to return here (she's Dutch) to try again and I said no.

 

[Spion]

Some people are just arseholes when they're drunk. Although the last one I knew turned out to have moderate depression and since then I've wondered if there's a nasty-drunk<----->brain-wrong connection

 

[Spion]

The bottom line is, how much does she mean to you? Does the pleasure outweigh the pain?

 

[dolly's gal]

The bottom line is, how much does she mean to you? Does the pleasure outweigh the pain?

spot on.

 

[Yelkcub]

The bottom line is, how much does she mean to you? Does the pleasure outweigh the pain?

It was doing until recently. But the last few weeks have been a nightmare.