The Tommy Cooper Crap Joke Thread

[Ranu]

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'i'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it'

 

[The39thStep]

I was out diving the other day. I had goggles, flippers and a tank of oxygene and I dived down one hundred feet, two hundred feet and at five hundred feet there was this bloke dressed in a cordouroy jacket, cavalry twill trousers , brogues and a carrying a clipboard. I said 'what are you doing down here at five hundred feet?' and he wrote on the clip board ' I'm drowning'