The Official Simpsons Quote Thread

[akirajoel]

Homer: "Just because we're not rich doesn't mean we don't have.... (starts to cry) Oh I can't even finish! I want to be rich!"

Lenny: "Some party Homer."
Homer: "Shut up, net face!"
Lenny: "Hey, you're in the net too!"
Homer: "I said shut up, net face!"

Frink: "Brace yourselves gentlemen.. according to the Gascromatigraph... the secret ingredient is..... love!? Who's been screwing with this thing?"

 

[Ozric]

Homer: Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: Wait, Homer. What did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Alien: I bring you love
Lenny: Its bringing love! Don't let it get away!
Carl: Break it's legs!

Homer : Son, when you are participating in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

 

[g force]

Ah the post office quote - one of the best

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son"

 

[Nine Bob Note]

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a camper-van solving mysteries.

 

[nick301171]

Lenny: Ah, my eye! My doctor said I wasn't supposed to get pudding in it.

 

[akirajoel]

Moe: "What has science ever done for us? TV off."

 

[billy_bob]

Carl: Way to play the boss's head like the bongos Homer
Lenny: Hey, he's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy!

Lenny (sitting in underpants in a completely bare room): Please don't tell anyone I live like this.

Lionel Hutz: There's the truth (frowns and shakes head) and then there's the truth! (grins and nods)

Marge: That house is on fire!
Lionel Hutz: Motivated seller!

 

[ch750536]

He definately has the best one-liners

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Ralph: I bent my wookie.

Ralph: Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.

Ralph (To a wolf): Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies...

Ralph: I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.

Ralph: I glued my head to my shoulder, now i have two owies

 

[Biffo]

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a camper-van solving mysteries.

Fucking love that one.

Also love:-

When Marge drunkenly gets on stage at a magic show and is made to disappear. The box is opened by the magician and a few little monkeys jump out. Homer says: "So she was made of chimps the whole time!"

In the Jacques/bowling one with the Officer & a Gentleman ending, Homer is carrying Marge out of the factory.
Lenny (or Karl): Hey Homer, what’ll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I’m going to the back of my car with the woman I love and I won’t be back for ….. ten minutes”

Homer: But the nucleon factory is my life.

Bart: Homer, are you licking toads?
Homer: I'm not not licking toads

When Homer loses Lisa when she goes to the museum on her own he calls for divine intervention. I always get the wording wrong but it's something like....
'I know I don't talk to you much, but if you are up there and you can hear me.... help me Superman!'

 

[richsaint]

It's pronounced nookiller

 

[shalashaska]

simpson quotes

mr burns afrter the ramones have played for his brithday:
smithers i want the rolling stones killed
smithers :but sir thier not..
burns:just do it!

skinner arfter hes locked up bart and the bullys i a store room
skinner:wille would god judge me if i threw away the key?
wille:nah sir but the p.t.a will tear you a new arse
skinner:good piont wille but less of the profantity next time
wille:aye sir.. yer underpant wereing dog walking willy hugger!

bart:lunch lady doris your the school nurse!
doris:yeah school budget cut backs they got grounds kepper wille teaching french

wille in a class:bonjurrre yer cheese eating surender monkeys

homer after marge had been out with john the gay store owner
so whats he like marge he dient give you gay did he?

martin to his perents : iv'e been selcted to represesnt springfiled at the national gramma rodeo in canada
nelson:iam going away for a week seeya

 

[shalashaska]

homer

on kent brockmans smartline show during the cat bergler epsiode

bergler: hello homer do you know who this ?
homer:marge?
bergler:no homer but i've got some thing of her's here now , her pearls
there lovely
homer: i've bet you got my dauthers saxaphone rahhhh!
homer starts attacking the shows director
kent:no homer he's the director!

 

[shalashaska]

i think this ones from the same cat bergler show

kent brockman :homer some pepole see your vigalanty squad as some kind of rampageing dinosuar
homer:AHHHHH!
kent:er.. yes i've been told by my producer now to never talk to you again
homer :whooo!

on late night with Mcbane:
Mc bane to his bands black front man:hey schowie ilike your new jacket , it makes you look like a homersexual
the audience boos him
Mcbane :ahh maybe you are all homersexuals

 

[Biffo]

It's pronounced nookiller

No.... It's nucleon. Put 'simpsons' and 'nucleon' into a search engine and see. I didn't get the line word for word but it is definitely 'nucleon'.


http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/downloads/sounds.shtml

http://www.lardlad.com/assets/quotes/season12/clod.shtml

 

[shalashaska]

the film festival

two women in the audience arfter barneys film is shown
:wow that man is a poet
barney:your very kind
woman:exuces me did some thing crawl down your throat and die?
barney:it dident die!

jay sherman:i like barneys film sentive and touching but unforunley called pukeahontis
krusty:yeah well i like burns movie
mayor quimby:yeah me too
sherman : how could you like that movie it was thw worst one
krusty;lets just say it moved me.... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!
uh oh i've said the loud part quite and the quite part loud

jay sherman walking down new york reading marges letter:
do i realy want to leave new york
suddeny Mcbane appears witha M16 machine gun :sherman i've heard you insulted me now you will die !
sherman:hey dudnic your shoes are un tied
Mcbane :they appere to be tied but i'll go in of a closer look
sherman jumps in apassin taxi , and day turns to night with mcbane st standing there looking at his shoes
Mcbane:........on closer inspection....these are loathers

 

[shalashaska]

....

at captain Mccallesters sae food resteruantand homer has eaten every thing
chef:captain that man has eaten all the shrimp and took plastic lobsters
captain:yarrr tis no man tis a remoseless eating machine

the mono rail episode: marge :homer i've got some one who can help you
homer:batman
Marge:no a scientist
homer:batmans a scientist?
marge:IT"S NOT BATMAN

 

[akirajoel]

Mmm... 64 slices of American cheese."
"64... " [eats a slice]
"63... " [eats another]

[Next morning]

"Two... " [slowly]
"One... " [finished]
[Marge walks in]
Marge: "Have you been up all night eating cheese?"
Homer: [slurred] "I think I'm blind... "


[driving] "Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the! Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree............!"
[hits chestnut tree]

 

[richsaint]

No.... It's nucleon. Put 'simpsons' and 'nucleon' into a search engine and see. I didn't get the line word for word but it is definitely 'nucleon'.


http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/downloads/sounds.shtml

http://www.lardlad.com/assets/quotes/season12/clod.shtml

It's pronounced nookiller!!

I think you'll find I was quoting another episode, the one where Homer becomes captain of a nuclear submarine. I wasn't doubting your nucleons, honest.

 

[Ozric]

There were a couple of classics last night:

"Okay Skinner. That's the last time you'll slap your willy around. I quit!" - Groundskeeper Willy

"You did it Nibbles... now chew through my ball sack..." - Principle Skinner

 

[nightqueen]

"You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."- Homer Simpson


" I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn." - Chief Wiggum

 

[starfish]

Grandpa Simpson " Help me, waah, waah, i am the Lindbergh baby, i miss my fly fly"(or something like that)
FBI Agent "Are you trying to stall us or are you just senile"
Grandpa Simpson " Well, a little from column A, a little from column B"

 

[akirajoel]

[Flashback. Young Mr. Burns driving a bumper car -- aims it straight into the legs of an Irish workman]

Irish Workman: Why you!! -- oh! Master Burns. I mean, carry on!

[Young Burns smashes him repeatedly in the legs]

Irish workman: Ah! Oh! Ow! Oh, me leg's gone gimpy. Who will provide for me little ones? Ow!

[Young Burns laughs evilly, cuts to present day and old Burns laughs evilly too]
[cut to shower - Burns still laughing]
[cut to bed - Burns still laughing]
[cut to church - Burns still laughing]
[cut to desk - Burns still laughing]

[slowly stops laughing. wipes tear from eye.]

Mr Burns: "Heh...heh.....he....... What was I laughing at now?...
Oh yes, that crippled Irishman!"

[breaks into laughter again.]

 

[The Groke]

Ah all pure gold - does anyone here read these and NOT hear Homers voice in their head saying it?

I am very surprised no-one has mentioned:

(Homer spies another Identical Homer but one who is dressed in a smart suit and tophat with a mustache)

"GASP That man is my exact double"

(Points off camera to what is revealed as a poodle-type thing)

"But that dog has a puffy tail!"

(Homer chases after dog pointing and giggling)

"heeheeheeheeeheeheee Here Puff!"

 

[Pavel Dybenko]

"Oh the humanity"

Ken Brockman the news reporter as he watches the Duff blimp catch fire, explode and fall from the sky.

 

[Matt S]

"Duff Man...can't breathe....Ohhh...No!"

Matt

 

[Juice Terry]

Mr Burns "Whats up with crippler"
Smithers "He's getting old now sir he has been here since the sixties
Mr Burns "Oh yes, I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippy, that young man didn't think it was too groovy"

 

[mk12]

[Looking for Santa's Little Helper]

Homer: "There he is!!....oh no, that's a horse."

 

[Pavel Dybenko]

"Release the hounds"

 

[akirajoel]

Groundskeeper Willy: "There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman."

Chalmers: "Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children..."

 

[mattie]

Lisa Simpson has just dumped Ralph Wiggum. An angry Chief Wiggum stops Homer, smashes Homer's car tail light and then books Homer for said broken tail light.

Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.

Chief Wiggum, panicking: They are? Oh no. Have they set a date?