The burlesque 'Daily Mail letters page' thread!
- Thread starter Citizen66
- Start date
Dear Sir,
May I recommend to those of your readers who are active in their local Neighbourhood Watch, and most will be I think, that they set up a "Swan Watch" in their local community.
We've done this and mount 24/7 patrols, in shifts, on the village duckpond keeping a wary eye out at all times for predatory so called asylum seekers and their ilk. Several patrol members have resurrected their World War II uniforms including one elderly gentrleman who turns out resplendent in ARP Warden boiler suit and tin hat. All are happy to do their bit for their country.
Lastly may I say what a tremendous community spirit is thus imbued by fostering a morbid fear of crime and most importantly a fear of foreigners and all their peculiar ways.
Yours etc
L. Mydulclass-Twat (Founder and Chairman "Swan Watch")
The Gibbet
Piddlin in the Myre
Nr Nether Parsnip
Bucks
oops Edited to add "so called" to aslyum seekers
May I recommend to those of your readers who are active in their local Neighbourhood Watch, and most will be I think, that they set up a "Swan Watch" in their local community.
We've done this and mount 24/7 patrols, in shifts, on the village duckpond keeping a wary eye out at all times for predatory so called asylum seekers and their ilk. Several patrol members have resurrected their World War II uniforms including one elderly gentrleman who turns out resplendent in ARP Warden boiler suit and tin hat. All are happy to do their bit for their country.
Lastly may I say what a tremendous community spirit is thus imbued by fostering a morbid fear of crime and most importantly a fear of foreigners and all their peculiar ways.
Yours etc
L. Mydulclass-Twat (Founder and Chairman "Swan Watch")
The Gibbet
Piddlin in the Myre
Nr Nether Parsnip
Bucks
oops Edited to add "so called" to aslyum seekers
Ron Merlin
Jus de chaussettes
LJo said:
True enough. However, my sainted mother reads the bloody thing and I have access to it. I know what it's like. I'd still rather mutilate myself in an amusing manner than read it, though
fishfingerer
sultan of cringe
From the tvgohome.com book's Daily Mail Island feature.
Sorry for pooor quality scan.
Sorry for pooor quality scan.
...
Dear Daily Mail
Whilst driving in pleasure through Hampshire yesterday, to my horror I spotted someone WALKING on the pavement. As I was about to turn my fine BMW S3 SUV into an Esso Petrol Station the scruffy prole pedestrian tried to CROSS THE ROAD, ignoring the damage he may cause to my fine BMW S3 SUV in any event of a crash. How prepostorous...that some oik should dare obstruct my passage - ME, THE LOYAL BRITISH TAX PAYER, THE SILENT MORAL MAJORITY, and that this "man", who had a Slavic look about him - was obviously a bogus, illegal immigrant who was over here, spreading his disease, hooked on heroin, part of a terror-cell, making a DIRTY BOMB, taking an NHS holiday or sponging off me ON BENEFITS. Yet when I shouted out of the window: "GO HOME, YOU FILTHY PAKI" a lentil-eating, sandal wearing, femi-trot shouted abuse at ME, a loyal, proud Briton, accusing me of RACISM! Well I never! Now, I'm no racist, I mean, I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS...I am sick to death of the lack of FREE SPEECH in this country, its POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD.
Yours Sincerely
Mr Robert Green-Winstanley
Four Oaks
Leafy Lane
Egmont-on-Chomundley
Hampshire
Dear Daily Mail
Whilst driving in pleasure through Hampshire yesterday, to my horror I spotted someone WALKING on the pavement. As I was about to turn my fine BMW S3 SUV into an Esso Petrol Station the scruffy prole pedestrian tried to CROSS THE ROAD, ignoring the damage he may cause to my fine BMW S3 SUV in any event of a crash. How prepostorous...that some oik should dare obstruct my passage - ME, THE LOYAL BRITISH TAX PAYER, THE SILENT MORAL MAJORITY, and that this "man", who had a Slavic look about him - was obviously a bogus, illegal immigrant who was over here, spreading his disease, hooked on heroin, part of a terror-cell, making a DIRTY BOMB, taking an NHS holiday or sponging off me ON BENEFITS. Yet when I shouted out of the window: "GO HOME, YOU FILTHY PAKI" a lentil-eating, sandal wearing, femi-trot shouted abuse at ME, a loyal, proud Briton, accusing me of RACISM! Well I never! Now, I'm no racist, I mean, I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS...I am sick to death of the lack of FREE SPEECH in this country, its POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD.
Yours Sincerely
Mr Robert Green-Winstanley
Four Oaks
Leafy Lane
Egmont-on-Chomundley
Hampshire
Cloo
Banana for scale
I do read it, when I find a copy in my local greasy spoon cafe or on the tube. And pretty much every time it conforms utterly, deadeningly to type.LJo said:
'Women's' section entirely dedicated to dieting? Check
Article about threats to house prices/savings/pensions of 'honest, hard-working Britons'? Check
Article claiming yet another reason why women shouldn't work or have any fun? Check
Article complaining about 'freeloading' immigrants? Check
Though oddly I noticed this morning that either the Mail or the Express (typography's pretty similar) carried a big headline about how courteous, hardworking, reliable Polish builders working in the UK 'Put Our Builders to Shame'. Funny - could have sworn both had headlines warning of dire consequences as opening of EU borders would cause an influx of jobless Eastern Europeans looking for work...
Ace said:Paul Dacre, and many media analysts, may beg to differ, William.
They might say that the Daily Mail is very cleverly targeted specifically at the lower middle class; that it addresses what they really think, tickles their particular quirks and preoccupations and flatters their sense of superiority.
They might say that the particularly skilfull way it does that - knows the British lower middle class inside out - is largely responsible for its success.
I would say, fair play to them, that most of the "New" Young Urban posters will not be sharing these prejudices; that they find petty minded, xenophobic, parochial and bloody unfair!
I think they are revolted at the mean-spirited fascism-lite of the Mail's ideology.
I also think they would absolutely hate to live in the sort of homes most Daily Mail readers live in. Non-descript, slightly apologetic, resolutely suburban terraces around the outskirts of major cities. They would hate the decor, the remanants of chintz, the Hyacinth Bucket satorial sense, whatever it is that's the modern equivalent of ducks on the wall.
Most of the young 20 something radicals on this board are instinctively repelled by this sort of thing and will want to put as much distance between them and it, once they've acquired their modest but elegant townhouses in Kentish Town and "Stokey"
Actually now you put it that way I agree with you a lot more ... I was just objecting earlier to the way you expressed your first post, which seemed (maybe I was wrong, and I was in a rush anyway) to suggest that Urban types were unreasonably prejudiced against Daily Mail readers ...
I'd say a lot of us were very reasonably prejudiced against them (or at least against their prejudices)
A clash of two incompatible sets of prejudices, perhaps ...
Brainaddict
slight system overdrive
please excuse those of us who want to fend off endless banality, creative voids and vacant minds. We're snobby like that.Ace said:
Dear Daily Mail
I once stumbled across www.urban75.com when I heard that Brian Paddick was legalising peadophillia in coffee shops across Brixton.
Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells
I once stumbled across www.urban75.com when I heard that Brian Paddick was legalising peadophillia in coffee shops across Brixton.
Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells
Tricky Mickey
regular as clockwork
Dear Daily Mail,
It has come to my attention that Tube drivers are actually paid for the hours they work underground. How can this be right? These sponging moaning minnies already get free transport tickets for themselves and their no-doubt "homosexual" sex partners. What next? Overtime payments?
There are thousands of decent, ordinary British people who have just about had enough of this government's namby-pamby nanny-state approach to the unions. It's time to storm the barricades, cross the picket lines and make ourselves heard.
Mr Blair, you betrayed me.
Elsie Buscador, commuter
It has come to my attention that Tube drivers are actually paid for the hours they work underground. How can this be right? These sponging moaning minnies already get free transport tickets for themselves and their no-doubt "homosexual" sex partners. What next? Overtime payments?
There are thousands of decent, ordinary British people who have just about had enough of this government's namby-pamby nanny-state approach to the unions. It's time to storm the barricades, cross the picket lines and make ourselves heard.
Mr Blair, you betrayed me.
Elsie Buscador, commuter
Dear Daily Mail
The UK has continued to slip inexorably towards decline and degeneration. In the last 200 years the interfering, do-gooding liberals have introduced interfering anti-slavery laws, allowed women to work and vote, allowed homosexuals to live free of persecution and done away with the remnants of the feudal system!
Its political correctness gone mad !
Yours
A. Haggis
Kent
The UK has continued to slip inexorably towards decline and degeneration. In the last 200 years the interfering, do-gooding liberals have introduced interfering anti-slavery laws, allowed women to work and vote, allowed homosexuals to live free of persecution and done away with the remnants of the feudal system!
Its political correctness gone mad !
Yours
A. Haggis
Kent
Tricky Mickey said:
That was Seeker, wasn't it, who wrote that???
Dear Daily Mail
Despite the attempts of Mr Blair’s quite frankly Trotskyite „government” to ban Poppy Day I recently made a trip to visit the old battlefields of Belgium. Imagine my disgust to find that the traffic there is on the wrong side of the road, the locals still aren’t using English as their first language and they use that “Euro” money! Makes me wonder what on earth I sent my men to their deaths for and clearly points out the dangers that England still faces from Johnny Foreigner.
Major Snodsworthy-Gimp (retd)
Lower Frampton Gusset
Gloucs
Despite the attempts of Mr Blair’s quite frankly Trotskyite „government” to ban Poppy Day I recently made a trip to visit the old battlefields of Belgium. Imagine my disgust to find that the traffic there is on the wrong side of the road, the locals still aren’t using English as their first language and they use that “Euro” money! Makes me wonder what on earth I sent my men to their deaths for and clearly points out the dangers that England still faces from Johnny Foreigner.
Major Snodsworthy-Gimp (retd)
Lower Frampton Gusset
Gloucs
toggle
wobbly
chegrimandi said:
Yes.
Because people with that mindset want to know that their middle class middle england asperations make them better than everyone else.
I grew up in that sort of community, the type divided by a main road where the ones on the south side of the road considered themselves a cut above those on the north side, where someone repainting their front door was discussed over garden fences because it might affect their house proces, where immigrants were spongers who wanted to camp in their front garden, and where thankfully, no coloured peole wanted to live and bring down the neighbourhood and corrupt their children..
The petty one upmanship, tory voting, and constant complaining is what the mail appeals to. it tells them that they are better than people who don't think their way, because they need that constant reassurance of like minded others to join in a chorus of complaints.
I could fit most of these letters to one or other of my parent's neighbours and their particular top priority.
Dear Daily Mail,
I am writing to you to express my outrage at the way in which this government treats small businesses. Not only are we forced to pay tax to support gays, asylum seekers, and gypsies, but they also dictate the level at which we must pay our employees. Up until the government imposed their minimum wage, my staff were perfectly happy on their £2.50 an hour and with the understanding that should any of the ladies become pregnant, they would be expected to resign; now I find that these politically correct neo-Bolsheviks in Number 10 have decided that this most fair and traditional practice is unacceptable and I am left to pay the price; in the last financial year, I took home only £100,000 from my business. Why should I be squeezed so?
Yours,
A. Nutt, Chalfont St. Giles, Bucks.
I am writing to you to express my outrage at the way in which this government treats small businesses. Not only are we forced to pay tax to support gays, asylum seekers, and gypsies, but they also dictate the level at which we must pay our employees. Up until the government imposed their minimum wage, my staff were perfectly happy on their £2.50 an hour and with the understanding that should any of the ladies become pregnant, they would be expected to resign; now I find that these politically correct neo-Bolsheviks in Number 10 have decided that this most fair and traditional practice is unacceptable and I am left to pay the price; in the last financial year, I took home only £100,000 from my business. Why should I be squeezed so?
Yours,
A. Nutt, Chalfont St. Giles, Bucks.
From overseas...a random letter to the Newcastle Herald.
Editor,
In reply to Maurine Buckets letter, "God Bless John Howard". I would also like to sing my praises for such a worthy Prime Minister.
We may live in the Southern Hemisphere but our British heritage cannot be denied. Yes we do have "American" influences such as Espresso coffee and Pizza, but our duty as a part of the Commonwealth is to support the Monarchy and all that it stands for.
If the War on Terrorism only saves one life then the War in Iraq will be worth it. We cannot live in constant fear that one day a rabid Terrorist may want to harm our children. From the Bible it reads "Slay thee and smote thou...Sayeth the Lord" and it's obvious who he's referring too!
We died at Gallapili, we died in France, we even died in Africa....and by the grace of God....We will die in Iraq!.
I will close with a quote from the Master of Ceremonies and the Commodore in Chief the Uniting States of America, the Present George Bush...."Our enemies are innovative and resourceful - and so are we, they never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people - and neither do we..
Thank You George Bush and from saving our beautiful country from the Iraqi Terrorists.
Thank You John Howard
Beatrice and Harold Witherspoon.
Editor,
In reply to Maurine Buckets letter, "God Bless John Howard". I would also like to sing my praises for such a worthy Prime Minister.
We may live in the Southern Hemisphere but our British heritage cannot be denied. Yes we do have "American" influences such as Espresso coffee and Pizza, but our duty as a part of the Commonwealth is to support the Monarchy and all that it stands for.
If the War on Terrorism only saves one life then the War in Iraq will be worth it. We cannot live in constant fear that one day a rabid Terrorist may want to harm our children. From the Bible it reads "Slay thee and smote thou...Sayeth the Lord" and it's obvious who he's referring too!
We died at Gallapili, we died in France, we even died in Africa....and by the grace of God....We will die in Iraq!.
I will close with a quote from the Master of Ceremonies and the Commodore in Chief the Uniting States of America, the Present George Bush...."Our enemies are innovative and resourceful - and so are we, they never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people - and neither do we..
Thank You George Bush and from saving our beautiful country from the Iraqi Terrorists.
Thank You John Howard
Beatrice and Harold Witherspoon.
Balbi
Hey, Dean Yager!
Dear Sir
I am shocked at the increase in female writers in your fine publication. Why this country has not clamped down on these brazen hussies infringing on what is clearly the work of men is outrageous. I am disgusted that the hard working men of this country are being put out of work by dishcloth waving menstrually charged women. I am even aware that you have a feature specifically for women! This came to my attention when I discovered my wife perusing it, at a time when she should have been about her wifely duties. From now on I request that it be removed from my copy by Mr 'greasy' Arif of our local newsagents (and on that matter, whatever happened to a good english local shop!) It is the thin end of the wedge, mark my words, before long your newspaper will be infested with gypsies, blackies and johnny foreigner. I fully intend to fight back against this incursion into the written word!
Disgusted of Chipping Sodbury.
I am shocked at the increase in female writers in your fine publication. Why this country has not clamped down on these brazen hussies infringing on what is clearly the work of men is outrageous. I am disgusted that the hard working men of this country are being put out of work by dishcloth waving menstrually charged women. I am even aware that you have a feature specifically for women! This came to my attention when I discovered my wife perusing it, at a time when she should have been about her wifely duties. From now on I request that it be removed from my copy by Mr 'greasy' Arif of our local newsagents (and on that matter, whatever happened to a good english local shop!) It is the thin end of the wedge, mark my words, before long your newspaper will be infested with gypsies, blackies and johnny foreigner. I fully intend to fight back against this incursion into the written word!
Disgusted of Chipping Sodbury.
Orang Utan
Maybe I like the misery
Dear Daily Mail,
I am proud to announce that I've never made my wife come.
Yours sincerely,
Geoffrey Bigot.
with thanks to Charlie Brooker
I am proud to announce that I've never made my wife come.
Yours sincerely,
Geoffrey Bigot.
with thanks to Charlie Brooker
It's worth remembering that not every Daily Mail reader actually agrees with it - they may buy it 'cos there's no other paper they are keen on, and dislike its politics as much as you all clearly do.
With the 'left of centre' papers, especially, there's no real choice - either the trivial Mirror or the smug liberal middle-classness of the Guardian and Indie. To me, the Guardian is a mirror image of the Mail, just as predictable and blinkered in it's outlook. I don't buy any of them now.
With the 'left of centre' papers, especially, there's no real choice - either the trivial Mirror or the smug liberal middle-classness of the Guardian and Indie. To me, the Guardian is a mirror image of the Mail, just as predictable and blinkered in it's outlook. I don't buy any of them now.
Similar threads
