The burlesque 'Daily Mail letters page' thread!

[Dissident Junk]

^

 

[beergut100]

It is no wonder that today's 'gangster rappers' cannot find jobs, when all they do is sing about smoking pot and shooting people.

Why oh why can't they be more like that nice Nat King Cole?

Yours,
A. MacIntyre (Mrs)
Utoxeter

 

[Ace]

Dear Daily Mail

I fear one of our local army and navy stores' has recently been burgled. While attempting to get to my local coffee shop to meet with Ethel and the rest of the girls, a very rude black man with a council-issue luminous jacket on barged past me as he attempted to walk onto somebody elses property.

Not happy with just tresspassing on someone's land, he proceeded to steal a very large green container from the front of the property and pour the contents into the back of a heavy goods vehicle that smelled rather odd. There were others - of similar ilk - in the street doing the same, also.

Where have all the police gone?

Yours

Marjorie

Too Blunt.

fear one of our local Body Shops has recently been burgled. While attempting to get to my Boots, a very rude man, with leopskin thong on barged past me as he attempted to, headress resplendent, walk into the middle of the road.

Now I am not a shaved head BNP skinhead, but, I feel, if he had already applied he was entitled to a full time grant from Islington Social Services.

Not happy with doing a war dance in the middle fof the road, he proceeded to lift up his thong at frequent intervals to show me his substantial manhood.

Surely he is entitled to the full time care of someone in the Race Relations Industry

Where have all reason gone?

< folds arms smugly >

 

[Agent Sparrow]

Dear Daily Mail

I am writing because a rather nasty anti-authoritarian “bulletin board” has come to my attention. I shall not name the offending place, but it appears that all these people do while they should be working it seems is write on dangerous left wing subjects such as the war in Iraq being a bad idea, how asylum seekers should be allowed access into the country, and even how to make explosives using something called the “Anarchist’s cookbook”! There is a forum on this disgraceful site that talks openly about the consumption of illegal substances, and another one which talks about the most depraved sexual exploits I have ever had the misfortune to read!

This filth needs to be banned! And I strongly recommend arresting the people who visit this site under the new anti-terrorism laws as they definitely seem like dodgy sorts of people!

Yours,

Mrs Snobbybottom.

 

[GarfieldLeChat]

dear daily mail

why oh why oh why are my chromosomes.

yours retired Brig lnt marjory wobble

 

[Dissident Junk]

Dear Sir,

I applaud your recent article about EastEnders star Kacey Ainsworth's postnatal slimming secrets. More women ought to take a leaf out of Ms Ainsworth's book. Concentrating on getting your figure back after birth is far more important for the health of your hus . . . sorry . . . household than going back to work.

Yours sincerely,

Robert Kilroy Silk MEP

 

[oicur0t]

Dear Daily Mail,

Ever since a nipper, we have enjoyed 'Telly' in our family every weekend. I was shocked to learn that other channels now offer telly all day every day! What has the world come to? 'Independent' television, as it has come to be known, is a disgrace! How can we let these random, common, upstarts beam their sordid messages into out homes? What makes them feel they are qualified to entertain and educate our children? Why would I let my wife watch 'Richard & Judy', who are both northern? This kind of thing can be traced back to the slackening of immigration laws and working class loafering. The Sex Pistols should be banned!

Yours faithfully

Greg Dyke (Mrs)

 

[ViolentPanda]

Sir,
yesterday, when returning from a lunchtime aperitif at the local hostelry, I spied a foreign-looking gentleman urinating into the gutter at the intersection of Bulwer-Llyton Road and Moseley Avenue. I was, to say the least, flabbergasted and disgusted. Dont these undoubted bogus asylum-seekers realise that the correct place to urinate is against a wall?

I despair for the traditions of our country.

Yours

Colonel Roger U. Felching-Briskly (ret'd),
9, The Birches,
Sputumfleck Magna,
Oxon.

 

[treefrog]

Dear Sir,

Down with this sort of thing.

Yours,

A. Norak

Dear Sir,

Careful now.

Yours,

D. MacGuire

 

[longdog]

Dear Daily Mail.

It's hot here.

Linda Lee-Potter.

 

[treefrog]

^

 

[treefrog]

Dear Daily Mail,

As a long-standing reader of your fine organ, I have existed in a state of constant terror that I may be burgled, raped, murdered, have my pension docked to pay for Johnny Foreigner, have my children snatched by paedophiles/gypsies/Rockstar Games, or be turned into Soylent Green byt the current communist government for the last 25 years. As none of the above has actually ever happened to me, I am starting to feel more secure and safe. Please find a new threat to keep my wits sharp and my undergarments sodden with fear.

Yours faithfully,

Mrs. P. Ecclefecchan

 

[chieftain]

Dear Daily Mail

I recently went shopping in Kent and didnt bang into Winston Churchill, so much for Tony Blair and his sound bite cronies!

Bring back the birch I say.

Yours sincerly

Ken Livingston
(name and address witheld)

 

[laptop]

Sirs, Madams,

I really suggest you all go to the pub.

Now.

ard féis,
P. O'Neill

 

[Poi E]

Dear Daily Mail.

It's hot here.

Linda Lee-Potter.

Nice one, longdog, fucking great.

 

[William of Walworth]

Dear Daily Mail

Why are our traffic wardens such politically correct Nazis? Only the other day, I parked my Streamline TinyPenisCompensator in Great Missenden High Street, where the interfering nanny state busy-bodies on the Council have seen fit to paint double yellow lines. I left said vehicle there for no more than 57 minutes, and on my return, what do I find? Some uniformed, jackbooted jack-in-office power mad Traffic Warden (doubtless I am 'not allowed' to point out that his English was barely comprehensible!!!!) applying a penalty ticket?

Why oh Why is the average law abiding motorist, who merely wants to express his individual freedom to park where and when he wants, being persecuted by the State, when countless murderers, rapists, muggers, burglars, gypsies and bogus asylum seekers are allowed to roam free, indeed encouraged to do by the Extreme Left who control the Government of the Day.

Yours sincerely

Citizen of the Road
Little Whining
Bucks.

 

[chegrimandi]

Dear Daily Mail,

I thought you would like to know that here in Chester the council have banned Christmas this year even though we are a Christian country. The library now allow those foreign-looking gentlemen on to the buses and they aren't even wearing red or anything. They push in to the queues and generally make a nuisance of themselves. Some of them even have quite smart looking clothes on you know! No doubt paid for out of my pension! I didn't eat coal in the war for these immigrants to take over the country, this country is going to the dogs,

Yours outraged

Mrs Smith,

 

[Groucho]

Sir

Will the moral depravity encouraged by this Marxist administration respect no bounds at all? Amidst the filth and degradation of our crumbling nation my household has always been a bastion of upright values, invaded only by the filth of tax bills and TV license demands.

Imagine my horror to discover yesterday that my wife has added an auburn tinge to her traditional saxon brown hair. I can only conclude that she is intending to have an affair. First they ban hunting with dogs, then they make off with my wife!

I can only pray that this crypto fascist pc judeo-Marxist Government falls before it is too late.

Your obedient servant,

Sebastian Popperwell-crabbes

 

[blackadder]

Very good reading, it seems the Daily Mail is not to the liking for the majority of U75's. I know i'm a clueless fucker, but can someone explain why??
I'm guessing that the mail is run by tories, am I right?

I bought it once, the day after the liberty and livelihood march, just to see if I could spot myself in the pictures.

'walks off to buy the Daily mail to see for himself'

 

[Cloo]

Not so much who it's run by, but the fact that it encourages and lovingly nurtures all that's worst about middle England - xenophobia, snobbery, unquestioning conservatism (with a small c), kneejerk reactions, willfull ignorance ('I don't want to hear your arguments!) and all other manner of prejudices.

I think that covers most of it.

 

[Ace]

Very good reading, it seems the Daily Mail is not to the liking for the majority of U75's. I know i'm a clueless fucker, but can someone explain why??

Well, a lot of them are 20somethings that work in the media

They say they hate the Daily Mail because its "racist" and "sexist"

Which is true. But they also hate it coz its lower middle class

When they're in their 40s they'll be quite happy to admit to getting the Guardain to find out what's fashionable and what to buy.

But right now its probably best to despise it for its liberal and consumerist tendancies.

If you have any more questions along these lines please feel free to just ask

 

[William of Walworth]

Not so much who it's run by, but the fact that it encourages and lovingly nurtures all that's worst about middle England - xenophobia, snobbery, unquestioning conservatism (with a small c), kneejerk reactions, willfull ignorance ('I don't want to hear your arguments!) and all other manner of prejudices.

I think that covers most of it.

Almost all of it ...

Ace you're talking nonsense. People here don't like the Daily Mail not because it's read by people of whatever class, but it's read by stupid bigots from most classes ... and it encourages, confirms, reinforces smallminded prejudices.

 

[Ace]

Ace you're talking out of your hat!

People here don't like the Daily Mail not because it's read by people of whatever class, but it's read by stupid bigots from most classes ... and it encourages, confirms, reinforces smallminded prejudices.

Oh, well, that set me straight!

 

[LJo]

Dear Sir

Might i say how much I enjoyed your regular contributor Max Hastings' most recent musings on the subject of leaves.

I too find my life greatly enriched by leaves. Perhaps you could pay me £1000 to write about them?

Yours sincerely

Mr Leaf
Leaf House
Leaflington

 

[ViolentPanda]

Oh, well, that set me straight!

So it did. let that be a lesson to you.

 

[Ace]

the Daily Mail is read by people of whatever class

Paul Dacre, and many media analysts, may beg to differ, William.

They might say that the Daily Mail is very cleverly targeted specifically at the lower middle class; that it addresses what they really think, tickles their particular quirks and preoccupations and flatters their sense of superiority.

They might say that the particularly skilfull way it does that - knows the British lower middle class inside out - is largely responsible for its success.

I would say, fair play to them, that most of the "New" Young Urban posters will not be sharing these prejudices; that they find petty minded, xenophobic, parochial and bloody unfair!

I think they are revolted at the mean-spirited fascism-lite of the Mail's ideology.

I also think they would absolutely hate to live in the sort of homes most Daily Mail readers live in. Non-descript, slightly apologetic, resolutely suburban terraces around the outskirts of major cities. They would hate the decor, the remanants of chintz, the Hyacinth Bucket satorial sense, whatever it is that's the modern equivalent of ducks on the wall.

Most of the young 20 something radicals on this board are instinctively repelled by this sort of thing and will want to put as much distance between them and it, once they've acquired their modest but elegant townhouses in Kentish Town and "Stokey"

 

[LJo]

Paul Dacre, and many media analysts, may beg to differ, William.

They might say that the Daily Mail is very cleverly targeted specifically at the lower middle class; that it addresses what they really think, tickles their particular quirks and preoccupations and flatters their sense of superiority.

They might say that the particularly skilfull way it does that - knows the British lower middle class inside out - is largely responsible for its success.

I think you're completely right. You've only got to look at the Express to realise that what the Mail does, it does brilliantly. It is what it is. You don't have to like celeb magazines to realise that Heat is the best at what it does.

However, this does not mean that it is not fun to take the piss out of the Mail at every opportunity.

One in the eye for Mr 'Anthony' Blair, methinks! Etc etc etc.

(I actually read the Mail most days, by the way. How many others here do?)

 

[Ron Merlin]

(I actually read the Mail most days, by the way. How many others here do?)

I'd rather set fire to my own bollocks, thank you.

 

[LJo]

I always find it useful to know what the enemy is thinking.

It's a bit dangerous to criticise something you never actually read.

Well, must be off. According to the Bible Code, the aliens who built the pyramids are going to end the world is ending fairly soon so I need to have an affair with a highly-placed government minister, throw out all the foods in my larder which are giving me cancer, obsessively check the price of my house and evict some gypsies.

 

[chegrimandi]

They might say that the Daily Mail is very cleverly targeted specifically at the lower middle class

cleverly targeted or not its still an overtly bigoted pile of shite that knowingly and purposefully peddles lies and untruths, and encourages bigotry of every kind- it deserves denouncing and ridicule at every possible opportunity. Like most mainstream newspapers.