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Partner's Respect For Your Privacy

nice to see loads of excuses and shockingly stereotypical justifying repsonses from the female posters :(

i get this double standard all the time in the office and it's laughed off when challenged.

they'd be a control freak, domineering possible psycho if it was a bloke. :rolleyes:
couple of sensible posts by kyser n foo tho
 
stdPikachu said:
Heck, I can't even think about what would make me feel more insecure than a gf poking about in my personal stuff without permission.

Couples don't become a single person in any relationship I'm familiar with - they're still distinct and seperate entities with their own lives, experiences and skeletons in the closet. Knowing and respecting this is, to me, essential to a healthy relationship both with and away from your partner.
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that bit in bold is the wierd thing isn't it. being with an insecure suspicious person can make you feel insecure yourself....and so it goes on.....a vicious circle.

a while after the relationship i was on about, finished, i realised (with a thud), that he was suspicious of me all that time because he himself was untrustworthy and up to no good - so was judging me by his own sly standards. cheeky fucker.
 
foo said:
that bit in bold is the wierd thing isn't it. being with an insecure suspicious person can make you feel insecure yourself....and so it goes on.....a vicious circle.
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Completely agree. All it takes is for one partner to act on their insecurity, and then the other partner starts asking themselves "why are they spying on me? What do they think I've done?" and then comes the temptation to spy on them to figure out what you think they think they're spying on you for. Vicious circle, and it needs to be nipped in the bud fast.

I don't think this advice should even be applied just to "insecure" couples, because I'm convinced that pretty much anyone can be insecure, given the right trigger (even if it's an accidental one).
 
she's insecure in the relationship, like a million people have already said! Thing is, she's got to get over it herself. I don't think there's anything you can do except just be your natural self. If she's not willing to accept that, then I don't know what else there is really.

I read an ex's email once. I am not an insecure person, but I was VERY insecure in the relationship. My gut instinct kept telling me he was a lying twat. I figured, having read his email, it was over whether my instinct was right or not, because I had no trust. I just wanted to see if I was right in feeling as I did, and I was.
 
stdPikachu said:
Completely agree. All it takes is for one partner to act on their insecurity, and then the other partner starts asking themselves "why are they spying on me? What do they think I've done?" and then comes the temptation to spy on them to figure out what you think they think they're spying on you for. Vicious circle, and it needs to be nipped in the bud fast.
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yep. i think being in *that* relationship did me long term damage (not meaning to sound melodramatic :o ).

i really do think i'm an honest and open person generally - but when i'm in a relationship, if that person starts asking me about what i'm doing when i'm not with them, i get really prickly and claustrophobic. even thinking about it gives me palpitations :D :rolleyes:
 
Iemanja said:
You didn't read my post properly did you? :confused: :D

Seems to happen a lot here, people misread stuff and project their own issues onto my posts... :hmm:
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i read it, i just didn't want to outright say you mum used very clever plausable psychological trick on you to deflect the transgression of the violation of your privacy with one of the big three 'parental concern' cards (drugs, pregancy and smoking).

and you bought it.

of course saying that is rather abrupt and rude about your mum. not only that but to suggest that this was a manipluation of you rather than a genuine reason for the action was in reality an excuse at best.

still as i said you bought into that so who are we to question it.

doesn't to my mind justify the action in the first place.

you suspect your child is being untrustworthy so you do something untrustworthy in order to assertain if they are being as dishonest as you are...

it's kinda judging people by your own standards and finding them lacking not because they have failed the test but because your standards weren't exemplary in the first place.

doesn't mean we have to beleive the stated motiveation or that we are in some way projecting our own ideas of things on to others or aren't reading your posts.
 
GarfieldLeChat said:
i read it, i just didn't want to outright say you mum used very clever plausable psychological trick on you to deflect the transgression of the violation of your privacy with one of the big three 'parental concern' cards (drugs, pregancy and smoking).

and you bought it.

of course saying that is rather abrupt and rude about your mum. not only that but to suggest that this was a manipluation of you rather than a genuine reason for the action was in reality an excuse at best.

still as i said you bought into that so who are we to question it.

doesn't to my mind justify the action in the first place.

you suspect your child is being untrustworthy so you do something untrustworthy in order to assertain if they are being as dishonest as you are...

it's kinda judging people by your own standards and finding them lacking not because they have failed the test but because your standards weren't exemplary in the first place.

doesn't mean we have to beleive the stated motiveation or that we are in some way projecting our own ideas of things on to others or aren't reading your posts.
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I bought it that my mum was concerned about me? Why wouldn't I buy it? :confused:

She read my diary but I didn't catch her doing it. She actually told me what she had done because she felt bad about reading it but wanted to be honest with me. Sorry, you're making it sound like she did a bad thing and I really don't agree with you on that one. She wasn't the perfect mother and she screwed up in many ways, but she was always upfront with me and one thing I always felt sure about was that she didn't lie to me.

so don't go trying to shatter my illusions :p :p
 
Iemanja said:
I bought it that my mum was concerned about me? Why wouldn't I buy it? :confused:

She read my diary but I didn't catch her doing it. She actually told me what she had done because she felt bad about reading it but wanted to be honest with me. Sorry, you're making it sound like she did a bad thing and I really don't agree with you on that one. She wasn't the perfect mother and she screwed up in many ways, but she was always upfront with me and one thing I always felt sure about was that she didn't lie to me.
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she did do a bad thing. you don't recognise it as such but that's more about your levels of forgiveness. she violated your privacy, that fundamentally is a bad thing. Its good you don't see it as her actions as such but it is still a bad thing. just not one which seems to have particularlly affected you.
 
I must be a right weirdo as i can't think of many things i have privacy issues with........


p'raps i don't have proper boundaries..........:hmm:



:confused:
 
Iemanja said:
I kept a diary when I was a teenager and my mum went through it once. I was quite angry at first, then she explained she was worried I might be doing drugs, as she said I'd been quite 'difficult' lately and she felt she couldn't talk to me as I never wanted to talk to her (it was just hormones, no drugs)...

Normally she wouldn't have done this as she respected my privacy and trusted me most of the time. When she explained why she read that I realised she was worried about me and wasn't angry anymore. By the way I didn't catch her in the act, she told me herself.

I'm all for respecting privacy but it's not a black and white thing and I wouldn't judge anyone so harshly or 'red card' them (funny how people refer to relationships as football matches :D ).
Click to expand...

Your Mum used the same argument used to justify CCTV, RFID passports and the rest of it - I need to know because you might be doing something wrong.

Which is quite funny really - people on this thread basically saying they wouldn't be able to resist looking through someone elses stuff who think the govt doing it is an unforgivable assault on their personal liberty...
 
foo said:
i really do think i'm an honest and open person generally - but when i'm in a relationship, if that person starts asking me about what i'm doing when i'm not with them, i get really prickly and claustrophobic. even thinking about it gives me palpitations :D :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Yeah, I get the same thing. I don't think it's particularly uncommon either - sure that most people have stuff that they don't want to talk about with their partner, for whatever reason, even if they are open and honest in other respects. Feels even worse when someone tries to strongarm you into talking about it, and it make me feel a bit ill to think that someone near and dear to me would actively delve into an uncomfortable aspect of my (private) life, even if they think it's something I need to get out in the open.

kyser_soze said:
Which is quite funny really - people on this thread basically saying they wouldn't be able to resist looking through someone elses stuff who think the govt doing it is an unforgivable assault on their personal liberty...
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Yup. Personal liberty is personal liberty, and breaching it for "your protection" is either wrong or right. Can't have it both ways.

When I was going though my turbulent adolescence, I know I worried my parents sick but they never broke my trust by doing shit behind my back. But we've all been brought up as independent people and there's very little in the way of "closeness" in our family. Not saying that people who mollycoddle/spy on/nanny their kids in such a way are bad, it'd just have creeped the fuck outta me. Heck, other peoples' bedrooms were out of bounds uninvited, cos it's personal space.
 
:hmm:
come to think about it my current partner only signed up here to stalk me
caught her with 'view all posts by ddraig' open in browser once as well :eek:
:hmm:
 
GarfieldLeChat said:
she did do a bad thing. you don't recognise it as such but that's more about your levels of forgiveness. she violated your privacy, that fundamentally is a bad thing. Its good you don't see it as her actions as such but it is still a bad thing. just not one which seems to have particularlly affected you.
Click to expand...

kyser_soze said:
Your Mum used the same argument used to justify CCTV, RFID passports and the rest of it - I need to know because you might be doing something wrong.

Which is quite funny really - people on this thread basically saying they wouldn't be able to resist looking through someone elses stuff who think the govt doing it is an unforgivable assault on their personal liberty...
Click to expand...

stdPikachu said:
Yeah, I get the same thing. I don't think it's particularly uncommon either - sure that most people have stuff that they don't want to talk about with their partner, for whatever reason, even if they are open and honest in other respects. Feels even worse when someone tries to strongarm you into talking about it, and it make me feel a bit ill to think that someone near and dear to me would actively delve into an uncomfortable aspect of my (private) life, even if they think it's something I need to get out in the open.



Yup. Personal liberty is personal liberty, and breaching it for "your protection" is either wrong or right. Can't have it both ways.

When I was going though my turbulent adolescence, I know I worried my parents sick but they never broke my trust by doing shit behind my back. But we've all been brought up as independent people and there's very little in the way of "closeness" in our family. Not saying that people who mollycoddle/spy on/nanny their kids in such a way are bad, it'd just have creeped the fuck outta me. Heck, other peoples' bedrooms were out of bounds uninvited, cos it's personal space.
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Guys you are too strict and harsh!!! It really isn't a black and white thing and you're mixing parental love and concern with personal liberty! Seriously I don't see things this way and I couldn't disagree with all 3 of you more! :p

No wonder nature made women mothers, we're a lot more understanding and able to separate the issues...

Everyone makes mistakes, and as far as mistakes go, the mistake of caring for your child and being too overprotective isn't the worse thing one could do.

(Funny how I'm quite happy to criticise my mum but won't let anyone else do it :D)
 
Iemanja said:
Guys you are too strict and harsh!!! It really isn't a black and white thing and you're mixing parental love and concern with personal liberty! Seriously I don't see things this way and I couldn't disagree with all 3 of you more! :p
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Afraid my cold, hard, logical brain can't see it in too many shades of grey. IMHO spying on a person, for whatever reason, even if you're convinced that you're doing entirely the right thing, is a significant breach of trust.

Not saying I'm right and you're wrong either, it's just not something I agree with myself - perhaps because I was always brought up in an environment where personal space and privacy were sacrosanct.
 
Iemanja said:
Guys you are too strict and harsh!!! It really isn't a black and white thing and you're mixing parental love and concern with personal liberty! Seriously I don't see things this way and I couldn't disagree with all 3 of you more! :p

No wonder nature made women mothers, we're a lot more understanding and able to separate the issues...

Everyone makes mistakes, and as far as mistakes go, the mistake of caring for your child and being too overprotective isn't the worse thing one could do.

(Funny how I'm quite happy to criticise my mum but won't let anyone else do it :D)
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erm aside fromt he sexist load of claptrap there... i cannot for the life of me see why it's not different.

goveremental responsiblty stems from indivdual responsiblity if we cannot behave in a decent manner towards each other including resepcting peoples privacy rights and boundaries then what hope do we have of ensuring our goverments do. you can't really hold people or peoples accountable to standards which you aren't following yourself.

but it's not an attack on your mum persay but a comment to say the action taken at it's fundamental core for what ever reason or excuse given was a bad action.

and yes people make mistakes, i don't think reading someones private correspondance without their permission comes under that heading in most cases you have to deleiberately go out of your way to look for it. at a base level the act of looking for the correspondance states there is already a lack of trust and then reading it proves it.

trust like respect should be given fully until it's broken and then has to be earned...
 
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