Partner's Respect For Your Privacy

[electrogirl]

I think anyone who isn't Data or Spock can see where she's coming from, I think some people just want to play the righteous card.

this.

all this 'sack her' 'get rid of her mate' stuff is pathetic.

 

[Thora]

For all those who can't resist...if you'd kept a diary and your mum had read through it, or if your parents ever went thru your stuff, were you ever pissed at them for doing it?

Same principle. I don't even like going thru partners private stuff or even bag, even when I've got permission - it's not about keeping secrets, as foo says, it's about respecting another's privacy even if you're in a relationship.

I never kept a diary, but I would have been pissed off if my mum went through my stuff to find it. If, however, I handed her the diary and said "this is my diary, but don't read it you might get upset" I wouldn't be suprised if she read it.

 

[Yelkcub]

So if your partner specifically said they didn't want you to see something what would you think?

I'd expect you to think if there was REALLY something relevant to THIS relationship to hide, you'd hide it better than saying, with all the caveats repeated christ knows many times above about why I didn't want her to look, 'here you go, but don't look in there'?

You've read that I have nothing to hide and I explained to her BEFORE giving her the stick because previous instances like this caused upset?

 

[cesare]

For all those who can't resist...if you'd kept a diary and your mum had read through it, or if your parents ever went thru your stuff, were you ever pissed at them for doing it?

Same principle. I don't even like going thru partners private stuff or even bag, even when I've got permission - it's not about keeping secrets, as foo says, it's about respecting another's privacy even if you're in a relationship.

Yep.

 

[foo]

I think anyone who isn't Data or Spock can see where she's coming from, I think some people just want to play the righteous card.

oh fuck off revol. why is it anytime people disagree with you, you have to act like they've got some problem

zenie - admitedly, that would make it seem sus - and yes, maybe i'd be tempted.... i don't remember being in that situation so can't give an honest answer.

edit: in this situation though, i don't think Yelclub gave her any reason to be suspicious.

 

[revol68]

and another thing all this 'if she can't trust you', well sorry alot of people have trust issues and they are often based on very good historical reasons, i'd have thought if you were in love with the person you'd be more interested in reassuring them and graually building trust rather than simply breaking it off.

 

[Yelkcub]

edit: in this situation though, i don't think Yelclub gave her any reason to be suspicious.

I definitely haven't. The valentines card, the letter from the "ex-mum-in-law" and these mails were all clearly from the past. She assures me she knew that and it wasn't anything to do with being suspicious of me.

 

[Madusa]

and another thing all this 'if she can't trust you', well sorry alot of people have trust issues and they are often based on very good historical reasons, i'd have thought if you were in love with the person you'd be more interested in reassuring them and graually building trust rather than simply breaking it off.

innit.

 

[Yelkcub]

and another thing all this 'if she can't trust you', well sorry alot of people have trust issues and they are often based on very good historical reasons, i'd have thought if you were in love with the person you'd be more interested in reassuring them and graually building trust rather than simply breaking it off.

Which I am. But I thought we cracked it the last two times and I don't know what else I can do about the fact that that evidence that I once loved someone else exists.

 

[cesare]

It also occurs to me that attitudes to privacy are often to do with how you're brought up. My M&D were quite hot on that with us kids and were the same with each other, so I guess that's influenced my attitude.

Your g/f may have been brought up with a different approach Yelkcub?

 

[becki1701]

Which I am. But I thought we cracked it the last two times and I don't know what else I can do about the fact that that evidence that I once loved someone else exists.

You may just have to accept the way that she is. You'll just have to reassure her when she gets funny. People like that tend to get better but it takes time, and hopefully the longer you're together the more she'll learn to trust you and she won't feel the need to do it anymore.

Until then....just don't give her anything you know she'll kick off about. It's a shit situation, I'd talk to her if I were you

 

[foo]

Which I am. But I thought we cracked it the last two times and I don't know what else I can do about the fact that that evidence that I once loved someone else exists.

and this is what she probably can't handle thinking about. that you loved someone else before her, which is understandable i suppose but i still don't think she should've done what she did, especially if you've had to tell her about it before.

i have lived with a highly suspicious person - and oddly, it made me act like i had something to hide, even though i didn't. what i mean is, i was so nervous of being interogated all the time, i ended up not telling him anything and sneaking around even when i was doing the most mundane things. not being trusted is horrible. and will destroy a relationship ime.

 

[quimcunx]

I can understand that the temptation was too much for her but that doesn't mean you aren't well within your rights to be aggrieved that she did look. Give her hell, have a talk to her about it and explain that you're with her because you want to be and the only thing she need feel insecure about is you dumping her for letting her insecurities make her behave in such a way.

 

[revol68]

It also occurs to me that attitudes to privacy are often to do with how you're brought up. My M&D were quite hot on that with us kids and were the same with each other, so I guess that's influenced my attitude.

Your g/f may have been brought up with a different approach Yelkcub?

I grew up in a family of six in three bedrooms, so privacy and the like were never priorities. There were three boys in one bedroom until I was about 11, we were always in each others pockets and I always find it strange sharing houses with people who are anal about 'their stuff' and who lock their bedroom door.

 

[Yelkcub]

It also occurs to me that attitudes to privacy are often to do with how you're brought up. My M&D were quite hot on that with us kids and were the same with each other, so I guess that's influenced my attitude.

Your g/f may have been brought up with a different approach Yelkcub?

She has a fairly fractious relationship with her folks, as do I. Both sets of parents are Irish parents who came here in the sixties and still stuggle with some aspects of modern life.

(Mine read my sister's diary, found at she shagged someone and she ended up leaving home! Don't think that had a profound effect me though.)

 

[dolly's gal]

keeping a diary is just fucking stupid and if i'd been a big enough gimp to have kept one i'd probably have been pissed off if my mum read it but at the same time would totally expect my mum to read it if she found it.

^ this

 

[revol68]

She has a fairly fractious relationship with her folks, as do I. Both sets of parents are Irish parents who came here in the sixties and still stuggle with some aspects of modern life.

(Mine read my sister's diary, found at she shagged someone and she ended up leaving home! Don't think that had a profound effect me though.)

aww irish parents, see privacy is simply secrets in these parts and secrets are simply sins or sins waiting to happen.

catholic upbringing??

 

[Yelkcub]

and the only thing she need feel insecure about is you dumping her for letting her insecurities make her behave in such a way.

Yeah, those are probably the terms to calm the waters! Are you Jeremy Kyle?

 

[foo]

I grew up in a family of six in three bedrooms, so privacy and the like were never priorities. There were three boys in one bedroom until I was about 11, we were always in each others pockets and I always find it strange sharing houses with people who are anal about 'their stuff' and who lock their bedroom door.

i grew up in a family of 7 kids in three bedrooms too and like with you, there was very little privacy...which is one of the reasons why i think i value it.

 

[cesare]

I grew up in a family of six in three bedrooms, so privacy and the like were never priorities. There were three boys in one bedroom until I was about 11, we were always in each others pockets and I always find it strange sharing houses with people who are anal about 'their stuff' and who lock their bedroom door.

Ah right, that makes sense. We were all pretty protective of our privacy, plus I've never shared with anyone apart from family.

 

[dolly's gal]

aww irish parents, see privacy is simply secrets in these parts and secrets are simply sins or sins waiting to happen.

catholic upbringing??

yeh! my mum's irish and she's...


...well fucking mental as it goes!

 

[Yelkcub]

aww irish parents, see privacy is simply secrets in these parts and secrets are simply sins or sins waiting to happen.

catholic upbringing??

Yup. Although my church visits were curtailed aged 9 after I told the priest 'it's not very likely, is it?'

 

[girasol]

For all those who can't resist...if you'd kept a diary and your mum had read through it, or if your parents ever went thru your stuff, were you ever pissed at them for doing it?

Same principle. I don't even like going thru partners private stuff or even bag, even when I've got permission - it's not about keeping secrets, as foo says, it's about respecting another's privacy even if you're in a relationship.

I kept a diary when I was a teenager and my mum went through it once. I was quite angry at first, then she explained she was worried I might be doing drugs, as she said I'd been quite 'difficult' lately and she felt she couldn't talk to me as I never wanted to talk to her (it was just hormones, no drugs)...

Normally she wouldn't have done this as she respected my privacy and trusted me most of the time. When she explained why she read that I realised she was worried about me and wasn't angry anymore. By the way I didn't catch her in the act, she told me herself.

I'm all for respecting privacy but it's not a black and white thing and I wouldn't judge anyone so harshly or 'red card' them (funny how people refer to relationships as football matches ).

 

[toggle]

At the moment, I wish i'd done a lot more going through his mail and checking his email, then i might have had a clue that he wasn't paying the bills and was planning to move out

 

[becki1701]

At the moment, I wish i'd done a lot more going through his mail and checking his email, then i might have had a clue that he wasn't paying the bills and was planning to move out

(((toggle)))

Bastard!!!

 

[JTG]

I grew up in a family of six in three bedrooms, so privacy and the like were never priorities. There were three boys in one bedroom until I was about 11, we were always in each others pockets and I always find it strange sharing houses with people who are anal about 'their stuff' and who lock their bedroom door.

yeah I'm one of five and we were always in each other's rooms (and I shared with my older brother for a long time anyway) whether invited or not. The dividing line between 'our' stuff and common property was always pretty shaky tbh.

It can be a bit like that in my current flatshare as well.

 

[GarfieldLeChat]

I kept a diary when I was a teenager and my mum went through it once. I was quite angry at first, then she explained she was worried I might be doing drugs, as she said I'd been quite 'difficult' lately and she felt she couldn't talk to me as I never wanted to talk to her (it was just hormones, no drugs)...

Normally she wouldn't have done this as she respected my privacy and trusted me most of the time. When she explained why she read that I realised she was worried about me and wasn't angry anymore. By the way I didn't catch her in the act, she told me herself.

I'm all for respecting privacy but it's not a black and white thing and I wouldn't judge anyone so harshly or 'red card' them (funny how people refer to relationships as football matches ).

don't want to call you mum a liar but really...

i mean you are seriously sayign that the one time she was cuaght was the one time she did it...

doesn't matter what platitides or excuses people find to violate others privacy to my mind they've still done it, and are therefore untrustworthy...

 

[stdPikachu]

There are quite some reasons there to feel insecure. And some of us don't even need reasons!

Not meaning to sound like a dick, but isn't it one of the key tenets of a relationship that even if you are insecure, you don't take it out on your partner...?

I mean, I can be a pretty insecure fellow, but I realise that turning it into suspicion or even just idle curiosity and looking at what your partner considers personal or private is a bad thing to do. Heck, I can't even think about what would make me feel more insecure than a gf poking about in my personal stuff without permission.

Couples don't become a single person in any relationship I'm familiar with - they're still distinct and seperate entities with their own lives, experiences and skeletons in the closet. Knowing and respecting this is, to me, essential to a healthy relationship both with and away from your partner.

Another vote for yellow card.

I kept a diary when I was a teenager and my mum went through it once. I was quite angry at first, then she explained she was worried I might be doing drugs, as she said I'd been quite 'difficult' lately and she felt she couldn't talk to me as I never wanted to talk to her (it was just hormones, no drugs)...

It's one thing that someone is looking out for you (although still a breach of trust IMHO); it's quite another when a partner goes around looking for ammunition to use in relationship power struggles.

 

[girasol]

don't want to call you mum a liar but really...

i mean you are seriously sayign that the one time she was cuaght was the one time she did it...

doesn't matter what platitides or excuses people find to violate others privacy to my mind they've still done it, and are therefore untrustworthy...

You didn't read my post properly did you?

Seems to happen a lot here, people misread stuff and project their own issues onto my posts...

 

[dada]

i hate it when partner snooping around...

this reminds me of a song by roisin murphy 'checkin' on me'

What do you think you're gonna find
Checkin' up on me
Baby, you've got a trouble mind
It's time to set me free

How can you judge
If I don't miss you enough
Any fool can see
If you can't trust yourself
Can't trust nobody else
Did you lie to me
Yeah, did you lie to me

Even when we are together
Still the jealousy
You know, I just wanna dance forever
And you wanna take that from me

Suppose you really think you're clever
Stealing my liberty, yeah yeah
...