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Partner's Respect For Your Privacy

Yelkcub said:
My gf asked to borrow my USB stick yesterday to transfer some stuff between computers. I explained that I'd downloaded my inbox from my old work, before we met 10 months ago, so there might be some old personal stuff on there. They were in a folder called 'INBOX' that she could easily avoid and she promised not to look in there.
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Sounds like you don't trust her not to snoop, which is sad but understandable if she's done it before.

However, telling her not to look would make it more likely, imo. I know if my bf told me not to look at something, it would make me more likely to in a "what's he trying to hide" sort of way.

But this just seems like self-sabotage on her part. It's gained her nothing and made her feel utterly shit about being untrustworthy and sneaky, i dare say.

Time for a serious talk i think. I couldn't be with someone who read my textx/emails/letters because they were insecure. It would do my head in.
 
baldrick said:
However, telling her not to look would make it more likely, imo. I know if my bf told me not to look at something, it would make me more likely to in a "what's he trying to hide" sort of way.
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If he really had something to hide, surely he would have deleted it before handing the dongle over in the first place. Anyone with a bit of cop-on would realise that.

Pure breach of trust, plain and simple. And by the sounds of it, not for the first time.

I'm another one in the "time for a serious talk" camp
 
I read through my boyfriends' texts once. Not because I remotely thought there'd be anything abnormal there; I'd just been using his phone and found myself doing it without thinking really. He wasn't angry, but I seem to remember he was a bit disappointed. Since then I've forced myself not to go though things that aren't my business. I'm quite a nosy person, but I resist the temptation, because I do completely trust him, and if I did see anything untowards from before we were together I know I'd get upset, even though I'd also know that I'd have no reason to be. If I ever did see anything I didn't like from before we were together, I'd know that being upset would be irrational and stupid, but at the same time I would be. It's easier not invading other peoples' privacy, because there can never be a good outcome- if you didn't find anything, then you'd be consumed with the guilt of doing it, and have to live with that or tell them and risk a fight. Lose/lose really.
I trust that the bf would never keep anything from me, and knows that I wouldn't either :)
 
Hmmm- So how do you clear the recently used documents list then? :p


Its a gross breach of trust, one which will totally change the way you view her.
She's given you a peak into her head and it isnt pretty.

My other concern is that she wasnt mortified to be caught out, and moreover she has raised issues she found by snooping.
*yikes*
 
All this babbling about insecurity when she's obviously nosy doesn't make life any easier. Far better to mock up some emails linking you to all forms of dodgy deeds and have a laugh with it. Plus if you really don't want someone to read something why would you then give it to them on a USB stick? Was it a test?
 
Dhimmi said:
Plus if you really don't want someone to read something why would you then give it to them on a USB stick? Was it a test?
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I was leaving in a rush when she asked to borrow it. It was possible there were emails from a past relationship on there, but I didn't want to jeopardise her interview today by saying she couldn't use the stick to transfer the info she needed.
 
Dhimmi said:
All this babbling about insecurity when she's obviously nosy doesn't make life any easier. Far better to mock up some emails linking you to all forms of dodgy deeds and have a laugh with it. Plus if you really don't want someone to read something why would you then give it to them on a USB stick? Was it a test?
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Sounds like a test.
 
I'm quite a jealous person by nature (I can't help it) and yet I've still managed never to snoop at a boyfriends texts or info. I had the same thing happen to me, needed to borrow my boyfriends USB and he said that there was a folder of pictures on there that I shouldn't look at! Must admit the temptation was there, but I managed not to lol!

I can see how someone more insecure than I am would have problems though. If I'd ever thought he was cheating on me I'd have been there in a second....not saying that this is whats running through her mind at all, some people just need less reason to snoop....or, as some people have already pointed out.....no reason at all, just major insecurity

:(
 
Good to know there's lots of people out there with a good sense of personal privacy. All this 'I couldnt' resist' stuff is bollocks.

I'm with TC - yellow card for this. AFAIC email, phone, diary etc unless you're told you can look through them completely are private things.
 
To nose about is one thing.. bad enough...

... but to bring it up 'for discussion', so to speak..... :mad:

Red card.... may as well get it over with now rather than later, I'm afraid....
 
kyser_soze said:
Good to know there's lots of people out there with a good sense of personal privacy. All this 'I couldnt' resist' stuff is bollocks.

I'm with TC - yellow card for this. AFAIC email, phone, diary etc unless you're told you can look through them completely are private things.
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But if someone gave me something like that and said "don't look" I'd really struggle not to :D
 
kyser_soze said:
Good to know there's lots of people out there with a good sense of personal privacy. All this 'I couldnt' resist' stuff is bollocks.

I'm with TC - yellow card for this. AFAIC email, phone, diary etc unless you're told you can look through them completely are private things.
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what he said. totally.

and not just with partners. even my sons know not to read my texts, emails etc. they won't go in my bag either and will pass it to me so that i can get whatever it is out of the bag.

i'm the same with them though, and never snoop or pry*. everyone should be able to have some privacy in their lives imo.



*unless i'm quizzing their girlfriends :D
 
Why did you tell her not to look when you know there's nothing personal in there?

TBH if my BF said 'here's this stick but don't go through my inbox' I'd tell him to fuck right off and I hope he'd do the same for me.

No need for secrets and certainly no need to 'make out' there's something there when there isn't.

I don't go through his phone or email or stuff like that, but if he told me not to I definitely would. :D
 
i don't see it as having anything to do with secrets though zenie. more about having respect imo.
 
I don't think I've EVER read G's emails or looked at texts tbh... :confused:

If he went down my shit I'd go proper sick at him.
 
it's just human curiosity, no? You can't expect to put something there, tell them it's there, hand it to them and expect them not to have a wee look.

Maybe some people just have much better self control but i'd find it hard not to have a few clicks (of course i'd have been smart enough to not leave them in recent documents.

And from now on if you don't want her reading your shit then don't give it to her.
 
zenie said:
Why did you tell her not to look when you know there's nothing personal in there?

TBH if my BF said 'here's this stick but don't go through my inbox' I'd tell him to fuck right off and I hope he'd do the same for me.

No need for secrets and certainly no need to 'make out' there's something there when there isn't.

I don't go through his phone or email or stuff like that, but if he told me not to I definitely would. :D
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I didn't know there was nothing personal on there. It a memory stick I've been using for work for 18 months. I left a previous client in May 2007 and downloaded my inbox in case there was anything useful there. I haven't looked in that folder since so couldn't be sure of there were any personal mails in there and didn't have time to check.

I'd be perfectly happy for her to read old personal mails if previous experience didn't tell me she's get upset by them and it'd cause us problems.
 
foo said:
i don't see it as having anything to do with secrets though zenie. more about having respect imo.
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So if your partner specifically said they didn't want you to see something what would you think? :hmm:

I'm not saying what she's done is right, but I can totally see where she's coming from.
 
revol68 said:
it's just human curiosity, no? You can't expect to put something there, tell them it's there, hand it to them and expect them not to have a wee look.

Maybe some people just have much better self control but i'd find it hard not to have a few clicks (of course i'd have been smart enough to not leave them in recent documents.

And from now on if you don't want her reading your shit then don't give it to her.
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Exactly!
 
For all those who can't resist...if you'd kept a diary and your mum had read through it, or if your parents ever went thru your stuff, were you ever pissed at them for doing it?

Same principle. I don't even like going thru partners private stuff or even bag, even when I've got permission - it's not about keeping secrets, as foo says, it's about respecting another's privacy even if you're in a relationship.
 
zenie said:
So if your partner specifically said they didn't want you to see something what would you think? :hmm:

I'm not saying what she's done is right, but I can totally see where she's coming from.
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I think anyone who isn't Data or Spock can see where she's coming from, I think some people just want to play the righteous card.
 
revol68 said:
it's just human curiosity, no? You can't expect to put something there, tell them it's there, hand it to them and expect them not to have a wee look.

Maybe some people just have much better self control but i'd find it hard not to have a few clicks (of course i'd have been smart enough to not leave them in recent documents.

And from now on if you don't want her reading your shit then don't give it to her.
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Actually I would expect an adult to do exactly that.
 
i'd sit em down and explain that you are utterly dissapointed that this has happened and that if this continues in anyway that you cannot see a way forward in the releationship.

essentially this is a trust issue. and for what ever reason she currently doesn't trust you.

if you like her and the releationship then you owe it to both to get to the root of these trust issues and move on together. If however, your not that into it and aren't looking for a long period of adjustment (you'll both have to make) to allow that trust level to be equal between you as partners then you should do one of two things.

1) accept that she won't change and you'll have to live with being untrusted regardless of your actions or
2) sack it off saying you weren't looking for a project.
 
kyser_soze said:
For all those who can't resist...if you'd kept a diary and your mum had read through it, or if your parents ever went thru your stuff, were you ever pissed at them for doing it?

Same principle. I don't even like going thru partners private stuff or even bag, even when I've got permission - it's not about keeping secrets, as foo says, it's about respecting another's privacy even if you're in a relationship.
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keeping a diary is just fucking stupid and if i'd been a big enough gimp to have kept one i'd probably have been pissed off if my mum read it but at the same time would totally expect my mum to read it if she found it.
 
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