The inhabitants of the Federation planet Styris IV had the fish for dinner, leading to an outbreak of deadly Anchilles fever. With Styris IV's fate in the hands of Acting President Ted Striker and his intern Elaine, the Enterprise pays a visit to the only planet in the entire galaxy that can provide a vaccine, Ligon II.
Picard meets with the Ligonian leader Lutan and his little buddy Hagon when they beam up into the ship's cargo bay. On the way to meet them, Troi and Riker tell Picard that the Ligonians are a proud people with a very structured society. Picard thanks them for waiting until they're in the turbolift, going to the meeting to tell him this important information, instead of bogging down the pre-meeting briefing with it. When they get to the cargo bay, we discover that the Ligonians are also descended directly from a 1940s pulp novel set in deepest, darkest Africa, and that they are amused to discover that the Enterprise's security chief is a woman.
Oh good! We're going to be racist and sexist in this one!
Lutan has brought a sample of the vaccine to give Picard, but when Hagon tries to hand it off, Tasha stops him. When Hagon tries to give her the business, she hands him his ass. When she hands Picard the vaccine sample, Troi tells him that apologizing would be a sign of weakness, so Picard decides to really rub their noses in it with an invitation to the Observation Lounge for one of his patented seventeen-page scenes about nothing.
Nah, I'm just kidding. He actually gives Lutan an ancient Chinese horse statue as a gesture of friendship, because his culture is so similar to ancient, feudal China. (Man, the Sung dynasty really built their shit to last, didn't they?) Lutan tells Picard that, though they're not as technologically advanced as the Federation – well, except for the whole having-their-own-transporter thing, and having the same cool videophones as the Enterprise, and of course digital watches – they can still call the shots, because they have the vaccine and the most sparkly turbans in this part of the galaxy. He tells Picard that if he respects their customs, they'll totally be BFF , even after they all go home from Summer Camp. Picard starts a Slow Clap, a cheesy power ballad starts playing, and John Hughes cashes another residual check.
Everything is going so well, Lutan sends his homeboys back to the 'hood – whoops! Sorry. I mean, back to the planet – and asks to check out the holodeck, which he's heard is used for officer training.
Picard responds with what will be, until Wesley describes Worf's penis in "Justice," the most unintentionally dirty line of the season:
"It's also used for other things. Perhaps Commander Riker and Counselor Troi can demonstrate for you."
Lutan picks up on this and says, "Hey, that sounds great, but I'm not really interested in a swordfight. How about letting Tasha show it off?"
Tasha says, "I'd like to do it."
Lieutenant Butthead says, "Huh huh huh. Yeah, she said 'do it.'"
Ensign Beavis adds, "Yeah!" And they head out to the holodeck, where everyone is disappointed to learn that it isn't running Debbie Does Tasha, but Enter the Ninja.
Tasha spars for a minute with a computer-generated opponent, kicking its ass as soundly as she kicked Hagon's in the cargo bay. Hagon demonstrates how unimpressed he is by attempting to spar with it himself. He is instantly thrown to the ground, and Worf files a union grievance.
(If you'll allow me to stop snarking on this for just a moment: this scene is really cool. The holodeck was one of the truly awesome concepts on TNG, and one of those things that nerds who like to write their own technical manuals – like me, for instance – really enjoyed. Tasha's basic description of the technology is simple and not nearly as expository as it could be, and Jessie Lawrence Ferguson's reaction to the whole thing is honest and connects with the audience nicely. Also, Tasha's marshal arts look real because she and Jonathan spent one or two lunch breaks a week taking actual training, so their characters could use it in the show. And before you ask, no, I didn't take annoying nerd lessons on my lunch breaks. I was already a level 29 master of those particular skills, thank you very much. I spent my free time rehearsing lame dialogue until I could read it without wincing. With the writing in the first season, I didn't have time for much of anything else.)
Lutan is very impressed with Tasha's abilities. He's so impressed, in fact, that it gets a little creepy, and we wonder if she's going to be using a doll later to show the captain where Lutan gave her the Bad Touch.
They return to the cargo deck to say their tearful goodbyes. Lutan gives Picard a high five, but before Picard can catch him on the rebound, Lutan grabs Tasha and they beam away.
Picard sends the ship to red alert and goes back to the bridge, where he tries to contact Lutan, who is totally ignoring him. That shit don't fly with Picard, so he shoots a whole bunch of photon torpedoes at the planet to shock and awe the Ligonians. Lutan must be in a parking garage or something, because he still doesn't answer his cell. Picard asks Troi if she thinks they'll hurt Tasha, and Troi says they're probably just curious, but, in the case of Lutan, she felt "other needs."
