Most common work phrases

[moonsi til]

'put the kettle on'

'is anybody free'

'are you busy'

'im knackered' .....

 

[43mhz]

'whose coming down the pub at lunchtime'

 

[dirtysanta]

"Fuxake, im not speaking to (insert customer). hes a cunt, knows fuck all"

"Cunts"

"Fucking Cunts"

"Oh jesus, Shhhhhtchuuuuupid Cunt"

"FFS, theres no fucking milk"

"I couldn't give two shits"

"I cant wait to get the fuck out of here!"

"One Sugar pleeeze"

"Bollocks. Well, thats that fucked"

"c'mon then lets fuck off for a pint"

"give us snout, im all out?"

"alright mate, yeah, see you tomorrow "

 

[Gavin Bl]

Plaintive cries of the analyst

"Thats not in the requirements!"

And far too often I have to hear someone say

"Going forward"

Even when things are going wrong.

 

[Mogden]

"Whose turn is it to get the teas in" - which results in "I'm not taking your manky mug" to me

Can you look after the inbox today

Oh Christ <any twat from marketing> has sent a shitty request for a website change again

bummers are deaf I think I'm at the top of the leaderboard for catching people out with that one

 

[dum dum]

Boss-"You haven't seen a set of keys around here by any chance have ya"

Boss-"Can we all just stop and look for a set of keys please"

Boss "I've put some keys down somewhere and i can't for the life of me..."

Me-"THIS IS A FUCKING LOCKSMITHS YOU FUCKING MENTALIST"

Luckily my boss is almost completely deaf

 

[GarfieldLeChat]

next time some wanker states "theres no 'I' in team" reply with "no,but theres a 'U' in cunt"

no no no

there's no i in team and there's no i in work either...

 

[Wintermute]

"But it was working before."

"Of course I haven't changed anything, do you think I'm stupid?"

"You people are a joke. I demand that you fix this problem immediately."

"Master database? What Master database? I thought that was old. Can I un-delete it then?"

"I've been an idiot, haven't I?"

 

[Firky]

"if they're French, stick an extra 25% on the price"

 

[rennie]

"if they're French, stick an extra 25% on the price"

racist!

 

[Firky]

lol its my boss, he's aussie and bit of a SUV driving, daily mail reading pig

I totally disagree with him on just about everything but we seem to work well and have an understanding, he actually said said that no one should be right of the middle until they're at least 50

 

[Jayshat]

"What a bleedin' nightmare" under my breath

"Bugger" out loud

 

[baldrick]

I totally disagree with him on just about everything but we seem to work well and have an understanding, he actually said said that no one should be right of the middle until they're at least 50

i can't remember where i read it, but someone semi-famous once said something like "if you're not left-wing before you're 20, you have no intelligence, if you're not right-wing by the time you're 40, you still have no intelligence."

 

[cyberfairy]

'oops, sorry, I forgot'
'Oh sorry, I thought you meant...'
'oh sorry, i didn't realise'
'I don't feel very well, I think i may be coming down with something. Do you mind if I leave early?'
'What's a p45?'

 

[j26]

" ............................. "

(I work in an office on my own - not as easy as it sounds)

 

[marco mark]

oooxxxxxxii pala = no again

 

[Ryazan]

"fuck off you twat"