Make Me Simile (Come Up And See Me)

[Mogden]

Camper than an scout's jamboree

Bugger whether it's a similie or not, I made that one up and try and get it in whenever I can

 

[kakuma]

she had a fanny like a wizards sleeve

 

[Mogden]

Oooo Ninjaboy just reminded me of another, not my own creation.

Like throwing a stick up a high street

describing rather ample female rudey bits.

 

[kakuma]

"how was it charles?"

"dear...it was like putting my cock out of the window and fucking the night"

 

[rosa]

"how was it charles?"

"dear...it was like putting my cock out of the window and fucking the night"

That's just sick and wrong. My two favourite things.

 

[hektik]

Oooo Ninjaboy just reminded me of another, not my own creation.

Like throwing a stick up a high street

describing rather ample female rudey bits.

on a similar vein, tom arnold came up with a killer line to deal with the taunts from his ex-wife's (roseanne barr) taunts about him having a tiny penis:

"let's be fair, even a jumbo jet looks tiny when flying through the grand canyon"

 

[Rasberry Nipple]

"Tighter than a gnats twat"

 

[kakuma]

(nicked from viz)

she had a fanny like a bulldog chewing a wasp

 

[Mogden]

Nicked from Flashman. I have no idea where he got it from:

Drier than a nun's cnut

 

[laptop]

And for balance: what would euphemestically be described as "a romantic encounter" with Nicholas Soames MP was

"like having a wardrobe fall on you with the key sticking out"

* tries to remember similies about the birds and the trees *

 

[STFC]

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

 

[Fong]

"i look like a Bangkok whore on a sunday after the navy has just left"

 

[Ryazan]

"Fidgeting like a whore in church".

 

[kakuma]

sweating like a fat paedo at school disco in a boiler suit

 

[foo]

Aways liked the description of Fevvers' corset in Nights at the Circus which "poked out of the empty coalscuttle like the pink husk of a giant prawn emerging from its den"

ah fevvers. i haven't any Angela Carter for ages, but Night at the Circus was one of my favourites.

edit: oops sorry Dubster, no similie from me this morning...

 

[Mrs Magpie]

John Gay's 'A New Song of New Similes' is interesting, especially as some entered the language and are still in use today.


My passion is as mustard strong;
I sit all sober sad;
Drunk as a piper all day long,
Or like a March-hare mad.

Round as a hoop the bumpers flow;
I drink, yet can't forget her;
For though as drunk as David's sow
I love her still the better.

Pert as a pear-monger I'd be,
If Molly were but kind;
Cool as a cucumber could see
The rest of womankind.

Like a stuck pig I gaping stare,
And eye her o'er and o'er;
Lean as a rake, with sighs and care,
Sleek as a mouse before.

Plump as a partridge was I known,
And soft as silk my skin;
My cheeks as fat as butter grown,
But as a goat now thin!

I melancholy as a cat,
Am kept awake to weep;
But she, insensible of that,
Sound as a top can sleep.

Hard is her heart as flint or stone,
She laughs to see me pale;
And merry as a grig is grown,
And brisk as bottled ale.

The god of Love at her approach
Is busy as a bee;
Hearts sound as any bell or roach,
Are smit and sigh like me.

Ah me! as thick as hops or hail
The fine men crowd about her;
But soon as dead as a door-nail
Shall I be, if without her.

Straight as my leg her shape appears,
O were we join'd together!
My heart would be scot-free from cares
And lighter than a feather.

As fine as five-pence is her mien,
No drum was ever tighter;
Her glance is as the razor keen,
And not the sun is brighter

As soft as pap her kisses are,
Methinks I taste them yet;
Brown as a berry is her hair,
Her eyes as black as jet.

As smooth as glass, as white as curds
Her pretty hand invites;
Sharp as her needle are her words,
Her wit like pepper bites.

Brisk as a body-louse she trips,
Clean as a penny drest;
Sweet as a rose her breath and lips,
Round as the globe her breast.

Full as an egg was I with glee,
And happy as a king:
Good Lord! how all men envied me!
She loved like any thing.

But false as hell, she, like the wind,
Chang'd, as her sex must do;
Though seeming as the turtle kind,
And like the gospel true.

If I and Molly could agree,
Let who would take Peru!
Great as an Emperor should I be,
And richer than a Jew.

Till you grow tender as a chick,
I'm dull as any post;
Let us like burs together stick,
And warm as any toast.

You'll know me truer than a die,
And wish me better sped;
Flat as a flounder when I lie,
And as a herring dead.

Sure as a gun she'll drop a tear
And sigh, perhaps, and wish,
When I am rotten as a pear,
And mute as any fish.

 

[Dubversion]

good to see some interesting contributions amongst all the second hand Viz crudity.

 

[onemonkey]

the alien space ship hung in the air in just the way that bricks don't

 

[Dubversion]

the first Adams of the thread?

 

[onemonkey]

Don't, don't ask another question, said a part of Polly's mind, but she ignored it out of sheer horrible curiosity, Wazzer was nice, well, sort of nice, in a slightly scary way - but talking to her was like picking at a scab; you knew what was likely to be under the crust, but you picked anyway.

 

[trabuquera]

the parental (or police) threat in African American:

"If you do {undesired action}, I will be all over you like white on rice."

 

[Orang Utan]

The lyrics from Art Ensemble Of Chicago's Theme De Yo Yo has some great similes

 

[redsnapper]

"I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer"

 

[redsnapper]

Like prawns and thousand island dressing, I'm on a roll.

 

[redsnapper]

she had a fanny like a wizards sleeve

And lest we forget.........An arsehole like a clown's pocket/rusty sheriff's badge

 

[ChrisFilter]

Surprisngly a 50 Cent lyric tickled me.. "I love you like a fat kid loves cake'

I realise that's very pauce in a literary sense, but still..

 

[ChrisFilter]

I just invented that word, pauce, I declare it a reverse-engineered derivative of paucity.

 

[kakuma]

good to see some viz crudity amongst all the second hand ponciness

 

[Fruitloop]

And lest we forget.........An arsehole like a clown's pocket/rusty sheriff's badge

or a bullet wound....

 

[kakuma]

it was as big as an elephants nose