Let's Just Say You Murdered Someone.

[laptop]

Obviously, the fictional detective I'd least like to have on my case would be Sherlock Holmes.

He'd have worked out what I had for breakfast on 16 December last before the body had stopped twitching.

My least-favourite fictionalising detectives would have to be the WMSCS - they'd have fitted me up for designing the Bull Ring before the body was cold.

 

[Donna Ferentes]

But they wouldn't consider brutalism a crime.

 

[spanglechick]

dick van dick.

that man isnt even a fukin copper and STILL solves crimes like columbo.

that scares me..

fear him.

ahem - i refer the honourable loud'un to post #3

 

[Bonfirelight]

i dont know that they ever investigated anything more serious than old men scaring customers away from themeparks, but it would sure annoy the fuck out of me having this lot snooping round my creepy mansion.

 

[Bonfirelight]

actually now i think about it, why the fuck did the police always arrest the bad guy/fighter against capitalist gentrification?
i can't think of many episodes where there were actually a crime committed. other than scaring people away.
i mean - "You're under arrest for wearing a fishmonster suit"
i'm sure old man Johnsons lawyers would have a field day with that.

 

[billy_bob]

Met CID circa 1994, south London.

No, wait.....

 

[Kitty Schmitty]

Not technically a detective, but I'd hate Cadfael on my case, what with having God on his side and all...

 

[equationgirl]

I'd hate to have the original Taggart team on my case. I'd be thinking I'd got away with it right up until the last minute when I'd be caught out through an insignificant detail.

I'd also hate to have Jessica Fletcher come visit as I'd probably wind up dead - that woman goes everywhere in the US yet a murder happens wherever she goes. Coincidence? I think not - she's really a serial killer who manages to hypnotise someone else into believing they're the murderer.

 

[Yu_Gi_Oh]

I'd half hate and half love to have Grissom(sp?) from CSI Las Vegas on my case, he's so thorough and doesn't give up but he's also so goddam attractive. I bet he's a consciencious and dilligent lover...

 

[Termite Man]

I reckon Miss Marple

That woman she know's everything

I would prefer to have miss marple investigating since the police in St Mary Mead are always really shit so I'd just kill Marple as well and never get caught .

If it was that murder she wrote person I'd just kill her anyway even if she wasn't investigating my murder ! In fact shells was wondering how big her christmas card list must be because she knows fuck loads of people !

 

[DJ Squelch]

DI Frank Burnside

or

 

[DJ Squelch]

I've just noticed that Fred's knees bend in the wrong direction. Maybe its just his "slacks". Nice to see a man sporting a cravat too.

 

[FridgeMagnet]

Most fictional detectives won't either fit you up or actually come up with anything solid, so all you'd have to do at the end is say "circumstantial bollocks mate, the CPS'll never go for it and you know it" and they'll shuffle off looking embarrassed. Rather than "Yes! I did it! And you know what, he deserved it! I'm not in the least bit sorry!"

I'd least like

on my case I think, on that basis.

 

[dylanredefined]

Dredd well whatever you do he would get you and make it hurt while he was doing it .
Though anyone who watched a lot of csi. would make sure they didnt find the body or leave any evidence.

 

[sensai]

Just one more thing....


Who's that detective guy who's in a Wheelchair and is well hard? Is it Ironside or soemthing?

 

[mpython]

The Famous five; those bastards were tenacious!!

 

[Markyd]

to be exclusive of the youngsters on here and slightly obscure.

Ellery Queen. of the Ellery Queen whodunnits. Class

Or Phillip Marlowe. I may be caught but I'd have the most stylish investigation

 

[Lava]

Quincy. So I could kill him too, the self-righteous wanker.

 

[Cid]

I had a dream about murdering someone last night - the problem comes in the fact it's nigh-on impossible to plan every aspect of the killing. In my case it was partly on the spur of the moment, and partly accidental so clues on the body and in the area of the crime were unavoidable. I hid the body in the garden shed to give me time to think it over, but you'd be surprised how quickly people start to realise other have gone missing. Didn't help that the guy was living with me at the time. I think I woke up when I started wondering how to dispose of the corpse. After all, these fictional detectives don;t get many murders without corpses - so on balance I'd have to say the CSI team, coz they're used to that kind of convuluted murder.

I should probably leave now...

 

[Markyd]

I had a dream about murdering someone last night - the problem comes in the fact it's nigh-on impossible to plan every aspect of the killing. In my case it was partly on the spur of the moment, and partly accidental so clues on the body and in the area of the crime were unavoidable. I hid the body in the garden shed to give me time to think it over, but you'd be surprised how quickly people start to realise other have gone missing. Didn't help that the guy was living with me at the time. I think I woke up when I started wondering how to dispose of the corpse. After all, these fictional detectives don;t get many murders without corpses - so on balance I'd have to say the CSI team, coz they're used to that kind of convuluted murder.

I should probably leave now...

Always have a default weapon and body disposal site at hand is my advice.

erm I'll get me coat

 

[Cid]

Always have a default weapon and body disposal site at hand is my advice.

erm I'll get me coat

Well I wasn't really ready for it... Was thinking I'd cut up the body at night in the shed, then head up to Suffolk with the parts in plastic bags in a hiking backpack (white, middle class - no chance of being stopped by the cops). The meat would've gone to the pigs (lots of farms up there, well spread out), the bones in a tree shredder then added to some fertiliser probably. Was thinking of eating the body myself, but time constraints due to people calling for the bloke I killed made this tricky. Cutting up in the shed would've been done with the floor and me covered in bin bags, which are easy enough to dispose of subtly (don't, for god's sake, bury them - just shove them out the back of a butchers or something).

err.... yeah, time to purchase a flight to cuba methinks

 

[Markyd]

Well I wasn't really ready for it... Was thinking I'd cut up the body at night in the shed, then head up to Suffolk with the parts in plastic bags in a hiking backpack (white, middle class - no chance of being stopped by the cops). The meat would've gone to the pigs (lots of farms up there, well spread out), the bones in a tree shredder then added to some fertiliser probably. Was thinking of eating the body myself, but time constraints due to people calling for the bloke I killed made this tricky. Cutting up in the shed would've been done with the floor and me covered in bin bags, which are easy enough to dispose of subtly (don't, for god's sake, bury them - just shove them out the back of a butchers or something).

A good plan, but think tidal beaches young man(?)

 

[Cid]

A good plan, but think tidal beaches young man(?)

Too risky desposing of corpses like that in heavily fished/touristy areas - really want absolutely nothing left to be found. I was thinking of using his oyster card to get to stockwell or maybe Vauxhall (so the fuzz chalked it up to a sad dissapearance related to yoofs), then buying a ticket back but there's the problem of being IDed using it with video cams... Maybe if I'd cut his face off and used it as a mask.

 

[Markyd]

Too risky desposing of corpses like that in heavily fished/touristy areas - really want absolutely nothing left to be found. I was thinking of using his oyster card to get to stockwell or maybe Vauxhall (so the fuzz chalked it up to a sad dissapearance related to yoofs), then buying a ticket back but there's the problem of being IDed using it with video cams... Maybe if I'd cut his face off and used it as a mask.

Worryingly I'm finding this interesting!

Have a v deserted beach near me with large littoral plain.

 

[Azrael]

Lennie Briscoe off Law & Order. Enduring the hosepipe's one thing, but any one'll crack under his cruel and unusual sarcasm.

 

[Cid]

Worryingly I'm finding this interesting!

Have a v deserted beach near me with large littoral plain.

I still wouldn't risk it - you'd have to check currents, nearby shipping routes, nearby fishing etc. You don't want that corpse washing up on a holiday beach down the coast a month later or turning up in someone's catch.

 

[Markyd]

I still wouldn't risk it - you'd have to check currents, nearby shipping routes, nearby fishing etc. You don't want that corpse washing up on a holiday beach down the coast a month later or turning up in someone's catch.

LOw tide, five foot hole. Never be seen again. I assure you. Worm food in three months

 

[Cid]

LOw tide, five foot hole. Never be seen again. I assure you. Worm food in three months

Decaying corpse releases gases, causes ground to above it to collapse, ground gets washed away. Skeletons survive for ages and you have to remember that eroision will be a problems... If they can't associate the dissapearence with you and you hang on to the property for the rest of your life it would probably be ok, but personally I'd like the peace of mind that comes from knowing no part of the body remains.

 

[Markyd]

Decaying corpse releases gases, causes ground to above it to collapse, ground gets washed away. Skeletons survive for ages and you have to remember that eroision will be a problems... If they can't associate the dissapearence with you and you hang on to the property for the rest of your life it would probably be ok, but personally I'd like the peace of mind that comes from knowing no part of the body remains.

That deep in tidal sand would get filled everyday twice a day! I think it's fool proof.

Look I'll get a body tonight and report back ok?

 

[zed66]

I remember a great Ray Bradbury short story about a perfect murder. The reason most people are convicted is that they have a clear motive or link to the victim. In this story the murderer decides the best way to commit the perfect murder is to leave it ten years, knock on your victims door when you know they are alone, kill them once inside the house and leave.

There is still a risk form being identified by members of the public but in general most risks will be minimised. In the story the murderer knocks on the victim's door after ten years but feels so much pity at the state of his intended victim's life that he walks away.

I think the best chance of committing an undetectable murder would be to kill a person at random (Like the psycho in the Jerk-"Die Navin Johnson").But then why bother?