1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I'm Oop 'Anley

Discussion in 'Midlands and the North' started by danny la rouge, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    I'm in the Potteries shopping centre having a cortado at Costa.

    The Teen is buying presents but I'm just the driver, so I'm staying out of the crowds. Not that's it's too bad today.

    If you're in town say hi. (I'm the best looking guy in the cafe. You can't miss me).
     
  2. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    You'll need to be quick, though. She's just called by to drop off some bags and to say she's only got "one more thing" left to get "oh and can I borrow twenty?"
     
    Spymaster and marty21 like this.
  3. quimcunx

    quimcunx Too tall.

    Why are you* shopping in England? What's wrong with Scotland's central belt?

    * by which I mean the teen.
     
    marty21 likes this.
  4. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    Mrs la rouge is from hereabouts. We're here at her Mum's for Christmas. We always come here for Christmas.

    As for why is she only doing her Christmas shopping now? That's because she reacts badly to deadlines.
     
    marty21 and quimcunx like this.
  5. quimcunx

    quimcunx Too tall.

    Well I am not in 'Anley so cannot join you for refreshments but I wish you well, and the teen.
     
    danny la rouge likes this.
  6. mauvais

    mauvais change has become unavoidable

    This is how it begins.

    You're pootling along contentedly on the road between your Scotch castle and Fancy London, and you see a sign for the Potteries, and you joke to yourself, "it's just going 'oop 'Anley', as they probably say, what's the worst that can happen? I've checked on Wikipedia and it's in the West Midlands, I'll be fine"

    But little do you know, oop Anley is classic gateway north.

    Your examine some pottery that you think will improve your home. It will not. Some other pottery falls on you from a shelf. You pass out.

    You wake. A day has passed. You are in some sort of track and field competition. Just as you begin to get your bearings, you are hit in the head by a world famous black pudding. You pass out.

    You wake, a week is missing. It's freezing. Some sort of sighthound is licking your face. You look around. Gasp! No! You're on Ilkla Moor baht 'at! You pass out.

    You wake. It's April. You've never been so cold. Jimmy Nail is here, injecting unsolicited volumes of chip shop curry sauce (three different varieties) into your arm. 'Areya gan oot doon toon?', he asks. You don't know what that is. You pass out.

    You do not wake. You are dead now. Gazza is here. He has a chicken. Oh, you think. I thought my Scottishness would save me. I like haggis and whiskey you know. I thought that latitude was a linear measurement. I wish I had gone to the Bon Accord Centre instead. Then I would still be Monarch of the Glen, and not here, dead, with Gazza, the most northern thing that could have happened.

    But it's too late.
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
  7. farmerbarleymow

    farmerbarleymow daft apeth

  8. farmerbarleymow

    farmerbarleymow daft apeth

    Purchased any tasteful pottery products yet danny? Perhaps a lovely glazed earthenware cockring? They have sex shops that specialise in pottery sex toys in that part of the world, I hear. :hmm:
     
  9. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    I've been coming here since 94. I have tried all that time to do the vowel the locals do in "up", "bus", and "love". It doesn't exist in Scotland. It's halfway between the vowel my "up" and my "move". I still can't do it.

    "Is this it? - bus", I'll say.
    "No," the locals will say.

    They sing those old hymns with blood and love on line ends, and they actually rhyme. It's like the Great Vowel Shift never happened.

    I once had a mechanic here tell me he had a car like mine but changed the wheel size to "save the myther". Thinking this was something mechanics know about, like torque, I nodded gravely in agreement. You don't want mechanics to think you're ignorant.

    But I like it here. Total strangers call you love. Men call you duck.

    I first ate "cheese and onions" here. I was offered it by the MIL and agreed, expecting a sandwich with cheese and perhaps chopped spring onions. It wasn't something I was used to, but the words occur in a flavour of crisps, so I thought "why not?"

    I'll tell you why not: what I was presented with was breadcrumbs and onions that had been boiled in milk and then grated cheese melted though it. It was like warm cat vomit. I was shocked and appalled. "What were you expecting?" Mrs la rouge asked. "Not this. Never in a lifetime would I have guessed this".

    And they have pancakes made from porridge. They call them oatcakes, but they're wrong about that. But those are at least tasty.

    Mard-arse. "What's Scottish for 'mard-arse'?" They'll ask. "We don't have any need for such a word" I'll explain.

    But I keep coming back.
     
  10. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    There's a toilet exhibition in Longton. Toilets Through The Ages. With authentic smells.

    Really.
     
  11. farmerbarleymow

    farmerbarleymow daft apeth

    Is it housed in a cottage? :hmm:
     
  12. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    Yes. Although no happy ending.
     
    farmerbarleymow likes this.
  13. farmerbarleymow

    farmerbarleymow daft apeth

    Leaving Stoke now - thankfully. :thumbs:
     
    danny la rouge likes this.
  14. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    Were you in Stoke station all that time?

    Sorry for your troubles.
     
    farmerbarleymow likes this.
  15. farmerbarleymow

    farmerbarleymow daft apeth

    No, just passing through.

    I think it was you I spotted doing unmentionable things to a lump of clay outside the Wedgewood factory. :eek:
     
    danny la rouge likes this.
  16. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    If you thought at first glance it was a young Robert Redford, then, yes that was me.
     
  17. farmerbarleymow

    farmerbarleymow daft apeth

    More Roy Cropper from Corrie. So it was you. Yer dirty bugger!
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
    kebabking and danny la rouge like this.
  18. Vintage Paw

    Vintage Paw dead stare and computer glare

    I WAS IN HANLEY.

    But I didn't see this.

    DAMN 2016 - WHEN WILL YOU STOP YOUR CRUELTY?
     
    Fez909, marty21 and danny la rouge like this.
  19. Vintage Paw

    Vintage Paw dead stare and computer glare

    And bus = buzz.

    And it's not "I'm goin' oop 'anley", it's "I'm goin' oop 'anley, shug."

    HTH
     
    danny la rouge likes this.
  20. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    Were you in the Potteries centre? That was me carrying a load of bags for a Scottish teenager.

    She bough a Port Vale Santa hat off the hawker outside the main entrance. (For her Stoke supporting grandad. Lol).
     
  21. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    And PMT isn't yer period, it's the boozz operating company.
     
    Vintage Paw likes this.
  22. Vintage Paw

    Vintage Paw dead stare and computer glare

    I never ventured into the centre, I'm afraid. I went to Iceland (near the bus station), then to M&S, and then walked past the Christmas Tree and down to Tesco. So I was a stone's throw from the centre, and I would have perhaps been able to see you inside Costa if you had waved vigorously, and had I known you were there.

    Nice bit of trolling the granddad :thumbs:
     
  23. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    And that's another thing: "bought" and "brought" are synonyms. You can use either in either situation.

    I find that weird even now.
     
    friendofdorothy likes this.
  24. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    I was in M&S.

    Spooky.
     
  25. Vintage Paw

    Vintage Paw dead stare and computer glare

    Stoke has a beautiful and weird mash-up of accents, hand-picked from Derby, Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. I'm quite fond of it.
     
    danny la rouge likes this.
  26. Vintage Paw

    Vintage Paw dead stare and computer glare

    Did you see a large, flustered-looking woman with green glasses, messy hair, and a far-too-long orange scarf? If so, 'twas me.
     
    marty21 and danny la rouge like this.
  27. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    Mrs l r is from Cheadle Staffs. (The one near Alton, not the one near Manchester). They say housen for houses! That's like Anglo-Saxon or something!
     
  28. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    I'm going to say yes, and we can both choose to believe it.
     
    kebabking and Vintage Paw like this.
  29. danny la rouge

    danny la rouge This is definitely the darkest timeline

    There's a really good record shop, too. Rubber Soul Records. Didn't get to it this time. Maybe next time.

    There was one called Canonball records too. But I've not been there for a couple of years. I hope it's still open too.
     
  30. Shirl

    Shirl Brexit my arse

    There was a time when I had to regularly visit Hanley, Burslem, Stone, Tunstall and Longton. Apart from Stone it always felt that the sun never shone there :(
     
    romeo2001 and danny la rouge like this.

Share This Page