If films were real.....

[isitme]

The Crow:

goth shoots some people. Michael Moore makes a documentary about it.

 

[SpookyFrank]

Human Traffic - he would have got the absolute living shit kicked out of him for attempting that lame stunt with the bouncers.

Absolutely. Pretty sure real journalists have press cards and so on.

Scarface: Tony Montana sticks his face in a pile of cocaine and dies insantly from a massive heart attack.

 

[frogwoman]

John Constantine has the ability to see angels and demons and soon realises that there is a war going on between good and evil with Mammon attempting to return to earth; he realises that real people are being killed, and that this led to the "suicide" of a young girl. He is sectioned under the Mental Health Act on the grounds that he is a danger to himself and members of the public.

 

[rekil]

Buoyed by victory over Sauron's armies, the surviving peasants and common troops of middle earth attempt to use their military service and the labour shortage as leverage to demand better wages and an end to feudal bollockry. They are slaughtered mercilessly by the aristo forces. Sam is given control of a battalion of orc mercenaries and proves to be an especially bloodthirsty little shit.

 

[isitme]

Highlander : he gets older and older and the films get worse and worse

 

[FridgeMagnet]

Two people from wildly different classes in a very stratified social environment do not meet, let alone form a romantic attachment, in a ship which hits an iceberg. One of them drowns; the other doesn't notice.

 

[frogwoman]

The Number 23: A man discovers a book by a man obsessed by the number 23 who appears to have committed all sorts of horrendous crimes. Thinking that it is a total pile of shit he sells it on ebay

 

[SpookyFrank]

Dr Strangelove: no, wait, that's pretty much exactly how the world works isn't it

 

[DotCommunist]

John Constantine has the ability to see angels and demons and soon realises that there is a war going on between good and evil with Mammon attempting to return to earth; he realises that real people are being killed, and that this led to the "suicide" of a young girl. He is sectioned under the Mental Health Act on the grounds that he is a danger to himself and members of the public.

Mammon is not Satan dude.

He's a senior demon in the court of hell.



I totally need to set up a course on this. Maybe get Art Council funding.

 

[frogwoman]

Mammon is not Satan dude.

He's a senior demon in the court of hell.



I totally need to set up a course on this. Maybe get Art Council funding.

I know but thats not what the film says

 

[the button]

Fatal Attraction. Glenn Close stays home, drinking gin and weeping.

 

[upsidedownwalrus]

Two people from wildly different classes in a very stratified social environment do not meet, let alone form a romantic attachment, in a ship which hits an iceberg. One of them drowns; the other doesn't notice.

We have a winner

 

[Shippou-Sensei]

Highlander : he gets older and older and the films get worse and worse

highlander

sean connery with a spanish accent

 

[DotCommunist]

Buoyed by victory over Sauron's armies, the surviving peasants and common troops of middle earth attempt to use their military service and the labour shortage as leverage to demand better wages and an end to feudal bollockry. They are slaughtered mercilessly by the aristo forces. Sam is given control of a battalion of orc mercenaries and proves to be an especially bloodthirsty little shit.

The Dunlanders get particularly hard pwning and spend the rest of their days working in dangerous mines, saruman takes the fruit of their labour, And won't let them talk in Dunlander speak anymore.

The Rohhirim are exposed as nordic fash cunts and marginalised while Gandalf takes over the government and banks all the dirty gold.

 

[cesare]

In Dirty Harry, Clint Eastwood loses his hair and the remnants turn ginger, shortly before asking 'do you feel lucky, pub?'

 

[wobble]

Human Traffic - he would have got the absolute living shit kicked out of him for attempting that lame stunt with the bouncers.

 

[the button]

Forrest Gump.

Man with learning difficulties lives in total obscurity, and dies friendless and poor.

 

[DotCommunist]

Saving Private Ryan


an entire unit is wiped out in a war against fascits that will be half remembered and semi-legendary to kids who cannot even spell fascist

 

[upsidedownwalrus]

Harry met Sally - sally would have been arrested and cautioned for inappropriate and suggestive behaviour in a public place...

 

[the button]

The Green Mile.

Large but gentle and quiet-spoken black man imprisoned in the deep south. The warders show him who's boss, and he dies of massive internal bleeding.

 

[frogwoman]

your ones are fuckin depressing button

 

[isitme]

Shawshank Redemption: He just gets raped

 

[cesare]

Thelma and Louise - any decent women would have got a couple of blokes to take over the front seats at the end.

 

[DotCommunist]

Shawshank Redemption

A wrongly convicted man dies after massive hemorrhage from the anus caused by suspected gang rape


(Button started it froggy)

curse you isitme

 

[frogwoman]

Alien vs Predator: They go down the mining shaft in Antarctica but then are fired upon by Russians as it's inside their territory and the whole thing provokes a massive scandal as Antarctica is not meant to be used for mining and possibly world war 3 as well

 

[DotCommunist]

All James Bond films evr

The state assassin wins, plays off loads of women without twitching an eyebrow when they get pwnt and the n swans off to sip cocktails inna posh bar. The cunt

 

[DotCommunist]

Uncle Buck

A suspected sex offender looks after some geezers kids and terrorises the eldest daughters BF

 

[the button]

All James Bond films evr

The state assassin wins, plays off loads of women without twitching an eyebrow when they get pwnt and the n swans off to sip cocktails inna posh bar. The cunt

... meanwhile James Bond dies slowly of cirrhosis of the liver, lung cancer and AIDS.

 

[frogwoman]

... meanwhile James Bond dies slowly of cirrhosis of the liver, lung cancer and AIDS.

fuck i know it's wrong but

 

[revol68]

Land and Freedom; the revolution is stamped out by the combined forces of Stalinism and Fascism.

oh.....