How much cash to give as wedding gift?

[cyberfairy]

£25 each I reckon. I got the same request on a wedding invite this week and thought it was a bit rude. Having said that, if that's what they need then why shouldn't they I guess? It just seems more polite to disguise it as vouchers. Don't think I'd be brave enough to do it for my own wedding but I certainly won't be going round John Lewis with a zapper gun ordering a variety of ceramics.

It is fair enough to ask but the way it was phrased was more of a demand. I would have made it a bit more 'don't feel obligated but if you would like to contribute to our new home we would appreciate some money towards it' or something.
Sainsburys vouchers would be great or something-everyone goes shopping!

 

[May Kasahara]

Yeah, like VP I would feel very weird about expecting loved ones to kit out my house with white goods and luxury flatscreens etc. It shouldn't be about the money!

If we ever get married, I quite like the idea of doing it for charity - someone at my work did this. Their daughter has a medical condition which means lots of hospital stays, so when the parents got married (after many years together and already having everything they could possibly need), they requested that anyone wanting to give a gift make a donation to a particular charity from which the family had benefited over the years. Apparently they raised loads

 

[ChrisFilter]

Have they explained why they want cash instead of gifts?

A good friend of mine stated a preference for cash when she got married, for the reason that her and new hubby were planning to go travelling a few months after the wedding, and contributing to that experience would be the best gift loved ones could give them. There was no obligation though, people could also give gifts or nothing at all if they chose.

It is a bit strange just asking for hard cash without explanation, but then I also think that wedding lists can put a lot of pressure on people - maybe this couple just want to take that pressure off and allow people to give what they wish/can afford.

We went the cash route because a wedding list isn't much good to us, we already have a fully furnished house so it'd just be duplicating stuff. We explained this in the invite, said we didn't expect any gifts but if people wanted to, cash would be great.

We asked loads of people, no-one thought it rude.

Funny people on here, sometimes.

 

[ChrisFilter]

Bloody weddings. So bloody expensive.

Travel, accommodation, gift, and (for the ladies) new frock and shoes. In return the guests get to stand about gawping at two people celebrating a private relationship, and an often mediocre meal and disco.

Bah humbug.

I'd go with the plain brown envelope idea, and only give as much as you feel comfortable giving.

Get fucked... we've done ours so it's accessable to London by public transport, last train is late so no need for a hotel, providing travel to the station at the end, totally free bar, bouncy castle, and loads of effort to make sure everyone has a fucking great time, including delicious, non-poncey food

 

[Belushi]

We asked loads of people, no-one thought it rude.

No one told you they thought it was rude to your face

 

[Madusa]

Bloody weddings. So bloody expensive.

Travel, accommodation, gift, and (for the ladies) new frock and shoes. In return the guests get to stand about gawping at two people celebrating a private relationship, and an often mediocre meal and disco.

Bah humbug.

I'd go with the plain brown envelope idea, and only give as much as you feel comfortable giving.

 

[cyberfairy]

We went the cash route because a wedding list isn't much good to us, we already have a fully furnished house so it'd just be duplicating stuff. We explained this in the invite, said we didn't expect any gifts but if people wanted to, cash would be great.

We asked loads of people, no-one thought it rude.

Funny people on here, sometimes.

You weren't rude as stated that people didn't have to give cash and phrased it nicely

 

[beeboo]

I think the fact the request was in the form of A POEM means you should boycott the entire wedding

 

[May Kasahara]

Heh, yeah...or present them with a poem in return, written on a photocopy of a fiver.

It's your special day
So here is your gift
You may think it rude,
I'd just call it thrift.

 

[Mallard]

Enough to buy a reasonable toaster (about £20)

 

[story]

Get fucked... we've done ours so it's accessable to London by public transport, last train is late so no need for a hotel, providing travel to the station at the end, totally free bar, bouncy castle, and loads of effort to make sure everyone has a fucking great time, including delicious, non-poncey food

Why so touchy?

Of course there is always the exception, as you have proven: the perfect wedding that considers all the various needs and whims of the guests, while providing joy and delight for all.

I admit to being a grumpy old killjoy about weddings. To me, most weddings look like self-indulgent look-at-me show-pony competative grandstanding. Also, I simply don't understand the need to get wed.

And to answer the next point - yes, I do decline invitations, as politely as possible whenever possible. And if I must attend, I am cheerful and well behaved, and generous with the gift. I am fully aware that my own opinion is not shared by the majority, and so I don't broadcast my own grumpiness.

 

[Madusa]

Why so touchy?

Of course there is always the exception, as you have proven: the perfect wedding that considers all the various needs and whims of the guests, while providing joy and delight for all.

I admit to being a grumpy old killjoy about weddings. To me, most weddings look like self-indulgent look-at-me show-pony competative grandstanding. Also, I simply don't understand the need to get wed.

And to answer the next point - yes, I do decline invitations, as politely as possible whenever possible. And if I must attend, I am cheerful and well behaved, and generous with the gift. I am fully aware that my own opinion is not shared by the majority, and so I don't broadcast my own grumpiness.

Good post... recovered well... work that tagline!

 

[Kanda]

To me, most weddings look like self-indulgent look-at-me show-pony competative grandstanding. Also, I simply don't understand the need to get wed.

Spot on!!

I generally try to avoid weddings at all costs. Tedious fucking circle jerks

 

[ChrisFilter]

Why so touchy?

Of course there is always the exception, as you have proven: the perfect wedding that considers all the various needs and whims of the guests, while providing joy and delight for all.

I admit to being a grumpy old killjoy about weddings. To me, most weddings look like self-indulgent look-at-me show-pony competative grandstanding. Also, I simply don't understand the need to get wed.

And to answer the next point - yes, I do decline invitations, as politely as possible whenever possible. And if I must attend, I am cheerful and well behaved, and generous with the gift. I am fully aware that my own opinion is not shared by the majority, and so I don't broadcast my own grumpiness.

Touchy because it's on Saturday, and it's all as stressful as hell

I dunno, I have the opposite view, weddings can be great. Everyone mucking in together, all your friends there, big ol' party.

I suppose being a fringe guest can suck a bit, not knowing many people, etc.

 

[ChrisFilter]

Spot on!!

I generally try to avoid weddings at all costs. Tedious fucking circle jerks

Bollocks.. not mine.

 

[Kanda]

Bollocks.. not mine.

I wasn't invited so have no need to avoid it, you're right

 

[story]

Touchy because it's on Saturday, and it's all as stressful as hell

I dunno, I have the opposite view, weddings can be great. Everyone mucking in together, all your friends there, big ol' party.

I suppose being a fringe guest can suck a bit, not knowing many people, etc.

Ah - well, good luck with that, have a great day, hope it stays dry, and nobody loses their knickers.

See, that stress thing is another reason it makes no sense to me. Why put yourself through it? It looks like weeks and weeks of misery.

But you make a good point about how it'sprobably different to be in the inner circle, or the outer fringe.

Kanda - circle jerk. heh.

Madusa -

 

[ChrisFilter]

Ah - well, good luck with that, have a great day, hope it stays dry, and nobody loses their knickers.

See, that stress thing is another reason it makes no sense to me. Why put yourself through it? It looks like weeks and weeks of misery.

But you make a good point about how it'sprobably different to be in the inner circle, or the outer fringe.

Misery is a little extreme, and it's bearable stress.

Why do it? Well, seperating the act of marriage, and the wedding itself, because it's going to be a massive party for 120 of my family and friends. Everyone is well excited about it. Great food, decent soundsystem, free and flowing drinks.. take the 'wedding' title away from it and it'll just be a wicked party. It's very informal...

 

[robotsimon]

We had a really tiny wedding with only 13 family members there. We didn't tell any of our friends we were getting married until we got back from our honeymoon, then we had a post-wedding party. On the invitations to the party we specifically said no presents please (after all, this was just a party, not a wedding). And yet pretty much everyone did get us something which I was really touched by.

In answer to the orginal question, I guess we normally spend about £50 on a wedding present/vouchers or whatever. I've never been asked to give anyone cash but don't really see a problem with that.

 

[moose]

The last wedding invitation I received had bank details on it so you could just pay the money straight into their account
I didn't go.

Just give what you'd have expected to spend on a 'real' present. In a plain envelope

 

[ShiftyBagLady]

i hate this. the whole point of giving gifts, for christmas birthdays and every other special event is about the thought behind the gift. call me old fashioned but i really believe its the thought that counts.
ive had stupid gifts that i would never use or buy or look at twice and and ive also had humble thoughtful gifts that have really touched me. i think its plain rude and even vulgar when people (especially children or their parents -what kind of lesson is that for the children.) ask for money instead of a personally chosen and thoughtful gift

 

[May Kasahara]

Even when the money is for a specific purpose that means more to those people than any other gift?

 

[ShiftyBagLady]

yep even then. the guests would presumably know if they were going off travelling an they could choose to get them something appropriate or all club together and buy them a ticket/travelling fund/floppy sun hat

 

[Wookey]

The tradition of giving household gifts as wedding presents began in the days when newlyweds would be on the threshold of starting up a home together. They usually lived with parents, and the marital home was usually the first home they had of their own. So giving them toasters and cutlery sets and a bit of crystal (if you were flush) made complete sense.

Nowadays, couples tend to live together (often for years!) before they commit to marriage. They have everything they need, and duplicates of kettles and crockery is a waste. Hence this request to turn the gesture into a monetary one.

Turning the gesture into a monetary one seems sensible, but there is something more than a little crass about a couple who have everything, spending oodles of cash on a party, at which guests will give them cash back. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, in fact I'm sure it is, but culturally that seems to me to demean and belittle the importance of the day. It taints it, in a way, with a whiff of greed and self-indulgence.

I would give £50 to charity, or sponsor a child for the new couple, or maybe sponsor a pair of swans at the zoo, you can train a farmer for £60 with Oxfam gifts, or plant a forest of mango saplings for £80, which will help people for years after the wedding day is finished.

You get to make a gesture that celebrates the wedding day, they get a nice feeling on the day (which £50 in an envelope will not provide when it comes alongside ones with £500 in, let's be honest) - and it's a small reminder to couples who have everything and who ask for more that greed is never an attractive quality in newlyweds. Aaaaaand, bonus element, they can't say a fucking word without looking like twats. So even if they aren't genuinely moved by the sentiment, they have to pretend to be.

Social event engineering, by Wookey.

 

[cyberfairy]

The tradition of giving household gifts as wedding presents began in the days when newlyweds would be on the threshold of starting up a home together. They usually lived with parents, and the marital home was usually the first home they had of their own. So giving them toasters and cutlery sets and a bit of crystal (if you were flush) made complete sense.

Nowadays, couples tend to live together (often for years!) before they commit to marriage. They have everything they need, and duplicates of kettles and crockery is a waste. Hence this request to turn the gesture into a monetary one.

Turning the gesture into a monetary one seems sensible, but there is something more than a little crass about a couple who have everything, spending oodles of cash on a party, at which guests will give them cash back. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, in fact I'm sure it is, but culturally that seems to me to demean and belittle the importance of the day. It taints it, in a way, with a whiff of greed and self-indulgence.

I would give £50 to charity, or sponsor a child for the new couple, or maybe sponsor a pair of swans at the zoo, you can train a farmer for £60 with Oxfam gifts, or plant a forest of mango saplings for £80, which will help people for years after the wedding day is finished.

You get to make a gesture that celebrates the wedding day, they get a nice feeling on the day (which £50 in an envelope will not provide when it comes alongside ones with £500 in, let's be honest) - and it's a small reminder to couples who have everything and who ask for more that greed is never an attractive quality in newlyweds. Aaaaaand, bonus element, they can't say a fucking word without looking like twats. So even if they aren't genuinely moved by the sentiment, they have to pretend to be.

Social event engineering, by Wookey.

I like that idea a lot particularly choosing a charity of my choice like Vegan Liberation Front!

 

[May Kasahara]

yep even then. the guests would presumably know if they were going off travelling an they could choose to get them something appropriate or all club together and buy them a ticket/travelling fund/floppy sun hat

But in my friends' case, that's exactly what their guests did

 

[Wookey]

I like that idea a lot particularly choosing a charity of my choice like Vegan Liberation Front!

And there, you have stumbled on that fine line between 'gift' and 'insult'.

 

[Cobbles]

Here you go - a set of 12 vintage foreign bank notes (starting at a quid) courtesy of ebay:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/12-VINTAGE-FO...oryZ3098QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Nip round to WH Smith and get a nice ring binder , lay them out artistically, wrap finely and present them with this fine introduction to a new hobby that they can enjoy together........

 

[ShiftyBagLady]

But in my friends' case, that's exactly what their guests did

yes but my point was that i think its better if that was guest's iniative not a request

 

[May Kasahara]

That's pretty unlikely though, isn't it, seeing as it's a rare wedding where every guest knows each other and is able to communicate with each other beforehand.

I just don't see that there's any problem with people saying "If you want to give us something to mark our special day, we would really appreciate X". Demanding cash with no explanation or context would come across badly, but not this way, at least not to me.

It also depends on how good people are at gift-buying. If you know someone well, it's not too much of a problem to get a thoughtful present that both you and they will feel good about. Less easy when you're invited to the wedding of acquaintances, or friends of friends, or workmates or whatever. I'd rather give someone money/vouchers (if I knew they were ok with that) than buy something which is totally wrong for them.