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Erroneous Travel Advice Thread

toblerone3 said:
What's the quickest way of getting from Kings Cross to St. Pancras by overground rail?
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Kings Cross - Kentish Town - St Pancras - journey time 16 minutes. Off peak single fare £4.00

(In fairness the website did suggest "walk - journey time 1 minute. Off peak fare 0.00)

:)
 
teuchter said:
Do you have any transport related queries? Please post them here and I will answer them in my own time and as per the terms and conditions outlined in the thread title. I specialise in timetable, ticketing, fare, routing, border crossing, shipping, rail, air, road and shipping related advice. There is in fact no question I can not answer.
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Dear Sir

How do I get from Lundy Island to Lidls Barnstaple intime for "renovate your home offers" and returning with frozen shopping. Please take into consideration I have the use of one leg and have lost my crutch. To assist you the wind generally prevails south westerly.

Thanks in advance
 
toblerone3 said:
What's the quickest way of getting from Kings Cross to St. Pancras by overground rail?
Click to expand...

The train service is suspended due to signaling problems/leaves on the line/wrong sort of snow/flag waving bloke having a sprained wrist.

Your best alternative route is to use one of London's fine cab drivers.
It's a simple journey via Watford if you are a tourist.
 
Oh! Mister Teuchter, what shall I do?
I want to go to Birmingham
And they're taking me on to Crewe,
Send me back to London as quickly as you can,
Oh! Mister Porter, what a silly girl I am!


i'm not a girl though :hmm:
 
IS it OK to ask the filth for a lift home after public transport has shut for the night, as long as you make it clear that they are public servants and you do indeed pay their wages ?
 
BingoBongoBango said:
Dear Sir

How do I get from Lundy Island to Lidls Barnstaple intime for "renovate your home offers" and returning with frozen shopping. Please take into consideration I have the use of one leg and have lost my crutch. To assist you the wind generally prevails south westerly.

Thanks in advance
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You must fashion a seaworthy craft from driftwood. You will not need a sail; the gulf stream will deliver you to Lidl. You will have no need for your land legs.

Remember to make your craft big enough to fit in all of the shopping. You will have a head start on anyone else making a similar journey as you will have the equivalent of one leg-volume's worth of space more.
 
_pH_ said:
Oh! Mister Teuchter, what shall I do?
I want to go to Birmingham
And they're taking me on to Crewe,
Send me back to London as quickly as you can,
Oh! Mister Porter, what a silly girl I am!


i'm not a girl though :hmm:
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You need to see a psychiatrist immediately.
 
teuchter said:
Under the highway code, panniers are classified as "side-cars" and as such you need to have a motorbike licence to use them. This should be of greater concern to you than the wind direction.

Cycle clips are unnecessary and are used by bicycle shops as a "gateway accessory" - for this reason you should avoid them. I recommend that you wear brightly coloured trousers and use elastic bands to secure them around the ankles.

When you arrive you are legally entitled and obliged to chain your bicycle to any SUV. If the owners of the SUV attempt to move their vehicle before you return they are liable to prosecution under the Ealing Cycling Initiative Act 1997.
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Yes, that's all very well but I was talking about travelling on a Sunday clearly. You can't get the staff these days.

So, we have religious sensitivities that must be taken account of, not least of which is the fact that Arsenal might be playing at home this weekend.

What colour elastic bands? Is there more to life than bands and bondage? I need to know.
 
Paulie Tandoori said:
Yes, that's all very well but I was talking about travelling on a Sunday clearly. You can't get the staff these days.

So, we have religious sensitivities that must be taken account of, not least of which is the fact that Arsenal might be playing at home this weekend.

What colour elastic bands? Is there more to life than bands and bondage? I need to know.
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My advice applies 7 days a week.

The colour of the elastic bands is up to you, but I recommend the red ones provided by the Royal Mail and left for your convenience on doorsteps throughout London.
 
teuchter said:
Dear Mr Botulism,

It is one of the drawbacks of foreign travel that one will inevitably meet foreign people along the way. However, my approach is to make the best of a bad lot and use these encounters as an opportunity to educate the foreigners about the British Way Of Life. Under no circumstances give in to invitations to eat the local cuisine: travel instead with a variety of British-made canned goods and a supply of sterilising equipment. Offer some of this to the foreigners, and take with you some photos of British Pub Meals to help explain that the fresh food available in Britain even better than the canned varieties. However, be sure to remind the foreigners that Britain has strict border controls so they should not attempt to follow you back. Carry large amounts of cash with you at all times, and show this to the foreigners to demonstrate the wealth that is possible to amass in a Civilised Nation. By promoting British Ways and Culture you will help the foreigners see the errors of their own ways and instead of trying to bomb us they will learn to use their energies to improve themselves.

I hope you have a pleasant trip.
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Sir, I am replying to thank you for your advice above. I have just returned from The Wonders of Ancient Egypt and your advice was very helpful. In fact because I bought a package deal and went everywhere on organised tours I met blessedly few Musselmen and those I did meet - our tour guide and the bus driver - I tipped heavily every day so that it would not occur to them to kill me. Taking your advice I took some tinned sausages, and they went down with all the foreigners I met, including the aforementioned Muslins and the Pole who was also on the tour and was delighted to be introduced to sausages.

On the basis of this experience I can heartily recommend The Wonders of Ancient Egypt as a destination to all your readers, though of course it is not one for the fainthearted!

Yours heartily

RHB
 
1. Is this the way to Amarillo?

And more importantly

2. Will "My baby" know when I get there?

Thanking you in advance for your excellent advice and public service.
 
I want to get to Clarksville but I need to arrive very late. Is there a service later than the 23.54?

Any chance you could meet me at the station?
 
Andrew Hertford said:
I want to get to Clarksville but I need to arrive very late. Is there a service later than the 23.54?

Any chance you could meet me at the station?
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Teuchter may well be here soon to offer more accurate advice, but i believe if you board the last train to clarksville, you can be there by 16.30. This may not suit your travel needs.

e2a: i believe it is possible for seating to be reserved on this service
 
Dear Uncle Teuchter,

Hoping you can help me; I was taking some friends to Alderran but my satnav appears to be using an out-of-date map. I'm now heading instead for this small moon in the distance, but that's not showing up either and now Obi-Wan keeps muttering something about space-stations, the senile old twat. Can you point me back towards Mos Eisley, preferably avoiding the A406?

Yours,
Han
 
I believe it takes just a day from here to Tulsa, but according to the timetable I can never, never, never go home again. This seems incorrect - can you advise?

If it helps, I'm currently at a small motel with a jukebox and a very attractive young lady.
 
Can you recommend a route to help me find America?

Hitch-hiking was rather slow and random, so I tried taking the Greyhound from Pittsburgh to New Jersey, but I got distracted by a TSA agent who was spying on me throughout the journey and missed it. Besides, it seems they have recently banned smoking on the bus. :mad:

Please help, I'm a bit lost. I think I'm on a Turnpike right now :(
 
teuchter said:
My advice applies 7 days a week.

The colour of the elastic bands is up to you, but I recommend the red ones provided by the Royal Mail and left for your convenience on doorsteps throughout London.
Click to expand...
Thank you. That is a vey practical suggestion.

Does the bus route 21 (from Stoke Newington to Lewisham) offer an alternative route, if I should happen to find that my red lacky bands are lacking a certain grip maybe?
 
cybertect said:
Can you recommend a route to help me find America?

Hitch-hiking was rather slow and random, so I tried taking the Greyhound from Pittsburgh to New Jersey, but I got distracted by a TSA agent who was spying on me throughout the journey and missed it. Besides, it seems they have recently banned smoking on the bus. :mad:

Please help, I'm a bit lost. I think I'm on a Turnpike right now :(
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I think you need to look for a bridge. A bridge over something or the other; a body of water I seem to recall. I will need to consult my atlas.
 
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