I'm doing this as I read it, so there may not be commonly duplicated faults.
First of all, part one. I didn't find it that engaging; a slightly more complex version of 'this then that then this then this then that then this'.
I think it'd be better if it was more subtle, and there's plenty of opportunity to do this. It's blinding obvious what it's all about by the end of the second, if not first, paragraph. It'd be a winner if it took ages to decide whether the story was about say, a rave, or a trip or something, and then 'ooh, a video game'.
Some of it reeks of a forced attempt to ape other styles, or more specifically, to add detail or phrases for the sake of it. It works, but only as the literary equivalent of Gath Marenghi; "I could not smell or taste anything. The air was completely devoid of aromas, and my taste buds lay dormant" is a slight example, though it could be worse. It's the wrong kind of repetition; reinforcing something we already know, like we're stupid and need to be told again. I wrote a
story a bit like this, except I was taking the piss.
The rest of it is immeasurably better, but your average reader won't get that far. Part two is immediately much more readable and entertaining, and propels itself onward.
I agree with the poster who said about grammar. This is probably your story's biggest failing. It's vital, and no bollocks post-modernism is going to dilute this fact. If you want to be post-modernist, write the sodding thing in Esperanto txtspk. With a spoon. In space. Otherwise, do it properly. This also applies to dialogue.
On the same tip, too many brackets. They make the story look like it's made up of annotations, not natural parts, and it doesn't flow. You may as well use footnotes. In fact, that might
actually work better.
As an overall concept, it's mediocre. It has more potential, but falls back into confusion. Ambiguity and not knowing what's going on is a key part of this tale, but drifting around without purpose is not. Again it feels a bit 'this then this etc' but with forced interludes in between. It has strong structure but needs either padding out with more detail, to make a longer story, or trimming down to fewer exchanges to make a more succint short snappy story with a kick. I favour the latter.
I don't know if that's the finished ending but it could do with more of a twist. You should go back to defeating the game and stop there. Then plot out a series of alternate endings; try to be dangerous, funny or malicious. Those are the more interesting paths to pursue. Who gives a shit about Liam?
That'll do for me - this is possibly the longest post I've ever written, and I don't really know why. I don't care if your story's a success or if you don't take any of this onboard, or even find it insulting; it's just the truth about what I think of it, or at least the more negative aspects of it. It's good, but needs more work and refinement, like any first draft.
