It's me or the dog
I was clicking around the TV channels last night trying to find something that wasn't about fat people or dieting ....when I stumbled across a programme called "It's Me Or The Dog". Normally I wouldn't bother with this kind of shit, but I saw this overweight boxer type of dog incessantly humping the leg of anyone that came within a few feet of him and it made me laugh.
However, my laughter turned to wide-eyed and profound amazement when I saw that this dog was also urinating wherever he wanted (in the house) as well as biting the children, refusing to go for walks, eating whenever he wanted and taking a shit on the patio. Part of his behaviour was explained as him "establishing his authority". And so these poor, helpless saps that owned the dumb animal needed a 'Dog Expert' (along with a Channel 4 film crew) to come along and show them how to deal with the problem. All of which begs the question .....how the hell do these pet owners manage to walk and breathe at the same time?!?!?
Any dog that "established his authority" in my house would meet with my own version of establishing authority ....a swift kick in the plums.
In fact, there's an alternative Channel 4 show right there. Dogs misbehave and someone comes round and kicks the dogs in the chads ....that would sort the problem out easily. Probably sort out the excessive leg humping too. They could call it "The Dogs Bollocks". Maybe I'll write in to Channel 4 and suggest it.
Anyway, then it got worse. The dogs owner, a fat bloke with a stupid accent, reckoned that castrating his dog would be same as castrating him (oh ...if only, if only). This is also a man who would regularly prepare the dog a meal of a 12-egg omlette, filled with butter, cheese and ham, followed by a banana yoghurt!?!? Not content with being a fat bastard himself, he wants to make his dog one too. This idiot can barely look after himself, let alone a stupid fucking dog.
The problem with "It's Me Or The Dog" is that it focuses too much on the dog and shows what is essentially a dumb animal, far too much respect.
What this programme needs to do to create a better version of this idea, is to pop round to these idiot pet owners homes, take the dog and his owners hostage, hold a gun to both their heads and invite people to phone in and vote who should get terminated. That would be a lot more fun, be making a greater contribution to society and would slash the programme budget in half. Everyone wins.
It would also add some real meaning to the phrase "it's me or the dog".
This concept of reality television could be extended to those incessant dieting programmes with titles like "Help ...I'm Killing Myself By Eating Too Many Cakes" where the obese people are put in glass cage suspended over a big pile of chocolate profiteroles for a month. Then they'd lose some weight. It could be hosted by David Blaine. There could also be a new Celebrity Big Brother show called "Who Wants To Avoid Pissing Me Off", hosted by me .....where tacky, gormless 'celebrities' ran around performing tasks that I set them, which would just piss me off even more and so each of them gets ripped a new one at the end of each episode.
Everyone would lose on my reality TV shows.
I was clicking around the TV channels last night trying to find something that wasn't about fat people or dieting ....when I stumbled across a programme called "It's Me Or The Dog". Normally I wouldn't bother with this kind of shit, but I saw this overweight boxer type of dog incessantly humping the leg of anyone that came within a few feet of him and it made me laugh.
However, my laughter turned to wide-eyed and profound amazement when I saw that this dog was also urinating wherever he wanted (in the house) as well as biting the children, refusing to go for walks, eating whenever he wanted and taking a shit on the patio. Part of his behaviour was explained as him "establishing his authority". And so these poor, helpless saps that owned the dumb animal needed a 'Dog Expert' (along with a Channel 4 film crew) to come along and show them how to deal with the problem. All of which begs the question .....how the hell do these pet owners manage to walk and breathe at the same time?!?!?
Any dog that "established his authority" in my house would meet with my own version of establishing authority ....a swift kick in the plums.
In fact, there's an alternative Channel 4 show right there. Dogs misbehave and someone comes round and kicks the dogs in the chads ....that would sort the problem out easily. Probably sort out the excessive leg humping too. They could call it "The Dogs Bollocks". Maybe I'll write in to Channel 4 and suggest it.
Anyway, then it got worse. The dogs owner, a fat bloke with a stupid accent, reckoned that castrating his dog would be same as castrating him (oh ...if only, if only). This is also a man who would regularly prepare the dog a meal of a 12-egg omlette, filled with butter, cheese and ham, followed by a banana yoghurt!?!? Not content with being a fat bastard himself, he wants to make his dog one too. This idiot can barely look after himself, let alone a stupid fucking dog.
The problem with "It's Me Or The Dog" is that it focuses too much on the dog and shows what is essentially a dumb animal, far too much respect.
What this programme needs to do to create a better version of this idea, is to pop round to these idiot pet owners homes, take the dog and his owners hostage, hold a gun to both their heads and invite people to phone in and vote who should get terminated. That would be a lot more fun, be making a greater contribution to society and would slash the programme budget in half. Everyone wins.
It would also add some real meaning to the phrase "it's me or the dog".
This concept of reality television could be extended to those incessant dieting programmes with titles like "Help ...I'm Killing Myself By Eating Too Many Cakes" where the obese people are put in glass cage suspended over a big pile of chocolate profiteroles for a month. Then they'd lose some weight. It could be hosted by David Blaine. There could also be a new Celebrity Big Brother show called "Who Wants To Avoid Pissing Me Off", hosted by me .....where tacky, gormless 'celebrities' ran around performing tasks that I set them, which would just piss me off even more and so each of them gets ripped a new one at the end of each episode.
Everyone would lose on my reality TV shows.
Fuck me about once every month I treat myself to a 6 egg ommlett and this wastful bastard makes on for his dog.
