Golden Opportunities in Britain
I am very proud of Britain. I think this is in part down to my tough upbringing. I worked on a cabbage farm since I was eight years old. My father was a dour and God fearing Evangalist who married a one armed Yugoslavian peasant from Skopje. She never spoke a word of English and still doesn't.
My father moved on in the late 1980's having eloped with a Tibetan Monk. I never heard from them again but I escaped from the cabbages. I was an only child until my mother re married again and I now have 4 step sisters and 3 step brothers.
I washed cars in the biting winds of the North East coast to earn money for the family and despite looking after my mother and her young siblings I was thrown out of house and home at the age of 18.
I moved to London and was going to sleep rough. Since then I have encountered nothing but kindness. I remember my first day in the capital. It was just after Halloween in 1987 and I found this old pumpkin which I wanted to slice up into pieces so I borrowed a meat cleaver I found at the back of the Chinese Restaurant and as I was returning to the rubbish skip for the pumpkin I bumped into a man who looked at me without saying a word and handed me the total contents of his wallet. Can you believe it. I am sure that meat cleaver was lucky.
With this kind donation I checked into a hotel. What luxury. I had never been in a hotel before. They had this thing called a bidet with fresh water pouring out of it that you could drink from.
On the second night I was in the lobby trying on some sun glasses that I never intended to buy and doing my best James Bond impression and watching my reflection off the shop window. I wondered if I could become an actor. Out of the blue a total stranger walks up to me and in perfect Slav he hands me a suitcase, shakes my hand and thanks me for all my work for the motherland. I thanked him also and praised the motherland profusely. I felt so good and warm that someone appreciated me and I never had the heart to tell this person that I didn't know what he meant. So uncanny that he should speak in a language I understood so well. It was almost as if he had singled me out from amongst the crowd.
Can you imagine my shock when I later opened the suitcase and found over a million dollars inside it, all in one hundred dollar bills. I was overwhelmed. The world is full of such caring and sensitive people. I cried with gratitude. It was meant for me after all. I must have met my guardian Angel.
In the morning I had a wonderful breakfast and contemplated my future. I would buy a house with a nice garden and open a Donkey Sanctuary. As I left the hotel that morning I was reminded how some people waste their time on the wrong things in life. I heard that two men had taken shots at each other and were arguing about money before being arrested by armed police and taken away. I think they were foreigners from some troubled country trying to purchase or sell arms. I am glad I at least kept to an honest way of life.
So you see. With this kindness showered upon me and a sunny outlook on life I can only be happy, content and caring and sensitive. Life has smiled on me. I even won a huge lottery prize two weeks ago to extend my farm and help lots of animals. I suppose all I now need is a wife to make my life complete.
