A friend of the family has written a novel

[kyser_soze]

It is rather splendid, isn't it?

 

[Onket]

I think the jelly needs to be inside something inflatable.

 

[Bakunin]

I think the jelly needs to be inside something inflatable.

Indeed, it should be in a paddling pool and mixed with the appropriate amount of warm custard.

You can't have jelly without custard. Got to have the custard.

 

[kyser_soze]

You would think that I'd be able to find a suitable illustration for this, wouldn't you?

The results from google for 'jelly wrestling' are very dissapointing.

 

[Bakunin]

You would think that I'd be able to find a suitable illustration for this, wouldn't you?

The results from google for 'jelly wrestling' are very dissapointing.

Indeed, good Sir. Why, I performed a similar search for 'custard wrestling' and promptly discovered this shot of sporting excellence:

Remember kids, when life is all against you and the world is getting you down, don't get flustered, just throw custard.

 

[Onket]

I found this thread on another board- http://www.buckscoop.com.au/forums/find-me-bargain/13831-jelly-wrestling-gear-pool.html

<edit2add> I like the custard wrestling pic.

 

[quimcunx]

It is rather splendid, isn't it?

It is. Very splendid indeed.

Like your tagline btw.

 

[teuchter]

... I am writing anonymously here as I always have done, on a site where you have to register to read it,

I don't want to get involved with your argument with Cesare... but are you aware that you don't have to register to read U75 (with the exception I think of the community and HRS forums)?

Anyone can read U75 without registering, and the contents of threads are subject to google searches.

Also, you know that your profile links to your blog which has details of your book and everything else on it?

 

[Badger Kitten]

Telling somebody to drop something doesn't work if you respond to them when they don't drop it. Basically, you're insisting that you want the last word on the subject.

Look, I think the only way to resolve this is for BK and cesare to fight it out.

In bikinis.

In a tub of raspberry jelly.

I am 100% certain that even if someone really, really tried hard, and was a really wierdy creepy stalker they would still never be able to find out who I am talking about in this thread.

I am also 100% certain that the author will never find it.
I am sorry that it took a tangent into this ludicrous area and I am pleased about all the advice and I will write back this weekend (to him) and then draw a mental veil over the whole business and I now know that I could never work as a writer's agent or publishing company recipient of unsolicited manuscripts.

 

[Badger Kitten]

I don't want to get involved with your argument with Cesare... but are you aware that you don't have to register to read U75 (with the exception I think of the community and HRS forums)?

Anyone can read U75 without registering, and the contents of threads are subject to google searches.

Also, you know that your profile links to your blog which has details of your book and everything else on it?

I thought you had to be registered? Oh fine, will remove blog from profile. Forgotten it was up there and haven't written on it for months.

 

[ViolentPanda]

Jesus H. shitting bum-fuck. That's got to be the most horrific opening paragraph I've ever read. It even surpasses Mein Kampf. The author is a man who obviously loves the sound of his own inner voice, and doesn't particularly care whether what the voice says makes any sense.

 

[Diamond]

On that basis, presumably you have no reason to object to my criticism? BK handed her critique of the man and his work over for comment - with total freedom on the part of the critic/s.

That's an idiotic, self-defeating argument.

Why don't you think it through for a moment?

 

[ymu]

Jesus H. shitting bum-fuck. That's got to be the most horrific opening paragraph I've ever read. It even surpasses Mein Kampf. The author is a man who obviously loves the sound of his own inner voice, and doesn't particularly care whether what the voice says makes any sense.

It's exactly like someone trying to recount the plot of a film in excruciating detail. Hence the leaden exposition and forgetting to mention stuff that is later important. And the extremely short length, because films can only ever capture about a third of the plot of a full length novel.

 

[Diamond]

Jesus H. shitting bum-fuck. That's got to be the most horrific opening paragraph I've ever read. It even surpasses Mein Kampf. The author is a man who obviously loves the sound of his own inner voice, and doesn't particularly care whether what the voice says makes any sense.

Bulwer-Lytton

Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the “Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.

The wind dry-shaved the cracked earth like a dull razor--the double edge kind from the plastic bag that you shouldn't use more than twice, but you do; but Trevor Earp had to face it as he started the second morning of his hopeless search for Drover, the Irish Wolfhound he had found as a pup near death from a fight with a prairie dog and nursed back to health, stolen by a traveling circus so that the monkey would have something to ride.

etc...http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2009.htm

 

[phildwyer]

Jesus H. shitting bum-fuck. That's got to be the most horrific opening paragraph I've ever read.

What's so bad about it?

Seemed alright to me. I've certainly read worse.

 

[Obnoxiousness]

This is worth a read...

http://prowritingtips.com/2009/02/the-7-worst-ways-to-start-your-novel/

 

[keithy]

Just be honest and concise. I agree with Kabbes, you've already written a whole bunch about it here so just put that to him. If he is offended then there's his first lesson.

 

[Paulie Tandoori]

I don't want to get involved with your argument with Cesare... but are you aware that you don't have to register to read U75 (with the exception I think of the community and HRS forums)?

Anyone can read U75 without registering, and the contents of threads are subject to google searches.

Also, you know that your profile links to your blog which has details of your book and everything else on it?

no!? really!!